Sober Sex (PODCAST) (Patreon)

In my last post, I mentioned that my recovery from COVID has been rough, but I didn’t really get into details. And even here, now, where I’m posting the photo/text updates I shared privately with my friends-only list on Instagram, I still don’t really express just how shockingly bad this has been for me and- by extension- Matt, who has to deal with me losing my fucking mind this last week.

Honestly, it’s been scary and also really demoralizing. Like, I went through Space Camp, I graduated from six months of DBT, I have the tools to take care of my mental health now. But, when I am once again slipping backwards into crisis, in this exact kind of scenario that I have been training for the last several years, I… can’t access my tools.

Some months ago, Louisahhh Pillot interviewed me for Sober Sex. As the name suggests, it’s a podcast about recovery from addiction and/or your other demons, and connecting intimately to yourself and others.

Tonight I listened to this version of me from just a few months ago and it feels weird to admit but………. I needed that?

A grounded, kinder version of myself was speaking to me about the exact poison that is burning through my (our) brain right now and she was patient, she was hopeful, she had love. For me. She had love for me. I had love for me.

I had love for me.

Sorry, I can see how uncharitably this can be interpreted. What kind of narcissist loves hearing her own voice say reassuring things to her? It sounds self-obsessed and cringe, I know, I know.

But also… my internal voice is……………. not kind. It’s scary. It scares me. When my mental health is bad? It’s real fucking scary in there.

So, to hear my own voice cutting through my internal poison with patience and kindness and acceptance? Yeah. Ok. If that is a bad look, fine, I’ll take it.

Maybe we should all do this. When you’re in a good place, you could leave a message for your future self, the version of you that is struggling with those demons you’ve always had and will probably always have. You could tell yourself the truth, that this stuff is hard and hurts and it could very well destroy you, and also… you can survive it. You can even thrive sometimes. It’s going to get worse and it’s going to get better and you’ve survived it before and, believe it or not, you actually are able to survive it now, once again, just keep swimming, baby, just keep swimming. You know you can believe this message, because who knows you better than you?

Comment Request:

I’d most love to hear about something positive from you. The best thing that happened to you in the last seven days or something like that.

Please refrain from reassuring or praising me, or going in-depth about bad mental health, I’m a bit too fragile for those kinds of stories right now /:)

Thank you so, so much for honoring my request! ❤️