a post about content, grieving, feeling lost & burnout (Patreon)

hey. it's been a while, i'm so, so sorry for that.

i keep putting this off, because i keep thinking something's going to magically change, and i've come to realise over the last few weeks whilst desperately trying to force it to that this won't work. i've been grinding out stuff nonstop, working miserably on new videos, freaking out over patreon, and barely struggling to hold myself together.

i don't want this to be a pity party, because that isn't my intention. i just want to tell you the truth and tell you how i'm really feeling, and how i'm going to attempt to proceed over the coming months. after how long some of you have supported me, through good times and bad times, i think i owe you that.

if you didn't know, in november my household contracted covid-19. i became extremely sick, was bedridden for several weeks and i have several long-term health issues i'm still battling because of it. i'm weakened and tired and i don't have nearly as much energy as i did before contracting it, as well as struggling with vocal range, breath capacity and having that nasty no-taste-no-smell thing going on. but the main thing covid did was kill my father figure and one of the only stable people i've ever had in my life. one of my most important people was taken from me.

nobody i've known has ever died before. nobody whatsoever, and this is someone that raised me and has always been there every day of my life. i'm still absolutely stunned. it hasn't sunk in. i wake up bewildered and confused every day. every deep voice i hear is his for a moment until it clicks that it isn't. i haven't been able to visit his grave yet. i can't get out of bed most days.

the one thing that gets me out of bed is streaming. streaming is the only thing i have in my life right now that makes me truly happy, makes me feel like i'm not completely worthless and i have something to live for. being able to entertain people and have fun with everyone almost every day gives me a reason to get up and to brush my hair and to take baths and to eat meals and to do my best every day. i can forget about the immense pressure on me now within my life, forget about how devastated i am every moment i'm not streaming. if it wasn't for streaming, i think this truly would've killed me. i don't think i'm strong enough to take this alone.

even if i wasn't completely devastated emotionally and struggling to function i also have a lot of pressure on me as i mentioned before. there's two other adults in my household. one of them is retired and the other is battling cancer and cannot work. this makes me the sole breadwinner of my household. i'm paying most of the bills, buying all of the food etc. i'm not in a dire state financially as i have savings and my income is enough to support me and my family right now. again, that is for streaming. streaming makes up the vast majority of my income nowadays, something i am eternally grateful for. 

it's going to take me a long time to get things working okay. both inside of my head and out. if you didn't know, i suffer from schizoaffective disorder and a few other things and i go through really high highs and really low lows. i don't handle pressure well, i can barely leave my bedroom at the best of times due to my mental state and i need a lot of support from my family just to function like a somewhat normal person.

that gets us onto the next chunk of this: video content.

can i be honest with you for a bit? i haven't been enjoying making videos too much for a while.

a little bit before everything happened in november, in fact. i was trudging through it, still able to force myself in short bursts. motivation would come and go, but it was enough to keep making videos at the pace everyone expected. now that's gone.

i've been working on a new video on and off since december. i work on it a little every day, whether that's staring at the screen of the script or attempting to work on the art. almost every time i end up getting so stressed i want to break something or i burst into tears. there's just no inspiration there right now, i just don't want to do it. i could force myself before but now even trying to do that doesn't get me anywhere. i had a mini breakdown last week on stream trying to work on the video art because i got so stressed and upset over it.

even if i don't enjoy it like i used to, it was always my intention to continue putting out video content, and it still is. i do not think i will EVER stop making asmr videos completely. i will liklely do this until either i explode or die. (no they're not the same thing)

i know so many of you love them and that motivates me, makes me want to keep making them, but also puts this huge pressure on me because i know some of you depend on them and that's why i want to keep making them.

but right now, even if i sit myself down and force myself to work... i just can't.

nothing happens. i don't get anywhere. i used to be able to force progress out of myself, but since november trying to make videos does not get me anywhere. i feel hopeless, useless and so incredibly stressed.

one more thing i wanted to touch on before i move on: patreon letters

they've been done since november. i literally have novembers letters sealed and sitting in my room. they are right here! so why haven't i posted them?

i have no way to.

the person in my family who passed away is the only driver in my family. i don't have anyone else who can take me anywhere. i can't go out alone. (i can barely even leave my room alone)

i'm removing the £50 tier as nobody should be supporting me here at that. if you still wish to donate to me, there's methods through my twitch stream. just a sub is enough. if you decide to move on, i understand entirely.

i can't provide the £50 tier reward anymore, and i'm sorry i kept it up so long. i was hoping that i would have a way to soon but i never did, and for that i'm really really sorry. i kept trying to figure things out but i never could. you should not be charged for this month.

the reason i waited so long to make this most is all my fault, and i'm sorry. i sat down to write it so many times and just couldn't. i didn't know how to say everything i wanted to and i didn't even know what the point was because i don't know where to go from here. and that summarises all of this: i just don't know where to go from here. that's it, that's everything i'm dealing with right now summarised.

so what now?

this is my plan for now:

- taking a short break from working on video content until i find myself physically capable of doing it. if we reach 3 months from today without a new video i will pause billing until i return with a new video. (but i'm hoping that will not be the case, i don't want it to take that long at all.)

-  removing the £50 tier. i can't send out patreon letters anymore because i have no transport. if this ever changes in the future, i may bring it back.

-  if you wish to unsub, that's a good idea! i won't hold it against you. alternately, consider removing your patreon pledge and supporting me on twitch if you watch my streams, you get cool emotes and you actually get consistent content.

- i'm in a lot of pain but i won't go anywhere forever, i'm streaming almost every day, videos will be back as soon as i can physically force myself to make one. 

- if you don't already, please consider stopping by the streams, because that's where i'm most active. we do asmr about once every two weeks and i stream 5+ times a week.

i fully expect most of you to unsub and i'm utterly fine with that. i'm sorry i left you in the dark for so long and i couldn't bring myself to make this post sooner. i'm sorry that every time i seem to post here it's something awful.

next time, whenever it is, i'll have a video to give you. i'll work hard on it, alright?

please wait for me, and thank you for so many years of support.

shadow.