Wrestlemania Goes Hollywood - Night 1 (Patreon)

It's mania season again, brother. That doesn't just mean mania itself, it means more wrestling than any human can watch. I'm a week behind on AEW, still haven't seen ROH Supercard, and for the sake of living my life i had to give up on NXT entirely a long time ago. Doesn't matter. I ain't here to be Meltzer, grading every match on earth with a totally nonsensical scoring system while not vetting my sources and posting stupid rumors that derail people's careers. 

I'm here to be the superior wrestling journalist, me, laughing and joking and cutting promos that only tangentially have anything to do with an actual opinion, let alone any kind of comprehensive breakdown on a match. I'll tell you if something kicked ass or sucked dick and whether you should devote any of your time to watching it, then i'll go off on a silly tirade or 3 about who i like, who i hate and who makes me horny. That's the Endless Jess way. That's what I'm cookin. That's the bottom line. Figuratively, i mean. It's not the actual bottom line there's more. 

What Wrestlemania even is this? They don't have numbers anymore, which i can only imagine is either Vince's attempt to ignore the marching arrow of time or to make me feel as senile as he's going. Like this one is called Wrestlemania Goes Hollywood which makes me feel like i'm having a dementia flashback because i swear they already did Wrestlemania Goes Hollywood 20 years ago. Remember when John cena was Tom Cruise and Stone Cold was Gladiator and Booker T was Pulp Fiction? That happened! I am not crazy! 

Oh whatever. You know, I recently went Hollywood myself for a film festival, what an adventure that was. I smoked drugs in public, got in 2 fights, barhopped with a blue haired stripper, got called a Hillbilly by some rich karen, had tacos at a Star Wars bar, saw a bunch of really cool movies and then dropped my favorite hat in a beer puddle, which then got lost in the wash. It was a good trip, a great one if the hat is ever found.

But that was months ago, and now life is hatless and bad again. Once more all i have to look forward to in this horrible life if wrestling. But wrestling has as many ups and downs as life does. This year's mania was full of em. From The highest of highs on night 1, to... well, you'll see what i thought of night 2 soon enough. For now enjoy some positivity before your joy is destroyed like mine was. 

Night 1 one ruled. The only bad part was having to see Logan Paul continue to exist, but at least Seth got to kill him a little bit. Too bad he didn't finish the job. But hey, that's just my opinion this month, i'll probably have a different one next time i have to talk about him, since i don't like repeating myself. Oh God, does that mean i'll have to like him? Let's hope not. 

I'll just have to keep finding new ways to dislike him. Funny ways, silly ways, pissed off ways, hateful ways and grateful ways, passionate ways, stupid ways, hungry ways, like a werewolf, a yelling screaming laughing joking werewolf who hates influencers and annoying rich people who show up on my wrestling show. It's a thankless job but i'm just the man for it. So since no one else will say this, thank you, me. I'm welcome.