My Japanese Animes - The Bullet Club (Patreon)

It's here! The triumphant return of My Japanese Animes! I can hardly imagine the anticipation of all my loyal weebs after a year of ruining my anime channel with The Pleeb and The Weeb. So what's it gonna be?

Am I finally gonna do a big in depth analysis on some classic anime? Cowboy Bebop or Evangelion? Or could it possibly be at long last the fabled My Japanese Animes - Cross Ange? Or.... perhaps... something new? Some new popular animu that everyone's talking about, guaranteed to rake in views and actually help my career in some way? What's that show everyones won't shut up about? The one with the dragon maid? No that was last year. Sally and The Franks? 

Well it's not any of those things. It's an amv. A wrestling amv. Because why help my career when i can do the hinder it again? Why give my audience what they want or expect when i can alienate and confuse them? Why do the smart thing when I can do the cool thing?

For those who don't understand what the hell this even is, let me explain. The Bullet Club is a faction of pro-wrestling super-friends who've been taking over Japan for the last 5-6 years. They're hobbies include drinking beer, wearing the coolest t-shirts, beating up Japanese people, and in recent years they've expanded that to include beating up John Cena, who I'm almost positive is not Japanese. 

The group originally started under Prince Devitt (the handsome Irish guy in the beginning), with his pals Tama Tonga (face paint boi) and Bad Luck Fale (big scary guy). Later Karl Anderson and Doc Gallows joined (little bald guy and big bald guy), and then The Young Bucks (little flippy guys who kick people). 

Originally the group were big time heels. The whole idea was that they were a group of disrespectful Gaijin who came to Japan and didn't give a shit about the rules of society, or even more damning, the rules of professional wrestling. Basically they ganged up on everybody, cheated to win, beat people up, kidnapped people, didn't bow, took shits and didn't flush, probably did a lot of raping, and won all the titles. 

The thing about wrestling is that no one can really be a bad guy for long, because if you're good enough at being bad you become the coolest guys and everyone starts buying your shirts. 

This is not WWE by the way, this is New Japan Pro Wrestling, and over the last few years these guys have put that company on the map like never before. Their shirts are the best selling hot topic merch of all time, and they're pretty much unanimously loved by sweaty wrestling fans the world over. They've been consistently the most popular group in all of wrestling which is massively impressive being primarily outside of the WWE marketing machine (although a few of them are now in WWE).

Anyways, Prince Devitt started the group when he turned on his tag partner and became a rude dude with a rude tude. Eventually he fought his old tag partner, and when he decided he didn't want to cheat, the group turned on him and beat him up, causing him to lose the match and leave Japan in shame, never to be seen or heard from again. Just kidding, he showed up in WWE like the next day. He's called Finn Balor now, he's doing just fine. 

So after that The Bullet Club Boiz needed a new leader, and then right on time AJ Styles showed up. AJ Styles is a guy who everyone loves because he has shiny soccer mom hair, a good old boy souther accent, plays video games on planes, and also happens to be like the best wrestler in the world. So AJ Styles was the leader for a little while and then this other guy joined called Kenny Omega, who had also fucked off from his tag partner to be a rude dude. Are you keeping up? This is important stuff for life and it *will* be on your final exam.

Kenny Omega is this impossibly buff and handsome anime nerd/gamer dork who is fluently bilingual, vaguely bisexual and dresses like Sylvester Stallone from the movie Cobra. He's currently the most popular wrestler in the world among the demographic of sad fat comedians with terrible lives who live in moldy flooded basements in a house full of drug addicts and who also run d-list youtube channels while their 20s are slipping through their fingers so they project all their failed hopes and unachieved dreams onto Kenny's beautiful body. Apparently I'm also bi-a-lot-of-things but lingual isn't one of them. 

Anyways, pretty much as soon as Kenny Omega joined the group he turned on AJ Styles, killed him, and took over the group as it's new leader. AJ Styles left Japan in shame and was never seen again. Just kidding he showed up on WWE like a day later and became world champion like 3 times. I think he'll be okay. 

Under Kenny's leadership the group won even more titles and kicked even more ass. During this time Doc Gallows and Karl Anderson got the call from their boi, AJ to come to WWE and help him beat up John Cena. This didn't take place on tv, it took place in a comic book written by AJ Styles to explain why they just showed up in WWE one day. Wrestling encompasses all mediums and everything is cannon so you have to be a media guru who knows literally everything like me, or else you're watching it wrong. Don't worry, I'll hold your hand and be your guide. It's my gods-given labor to be the Librarian of Lore until Ragnarok comes to free me of this burden. 

During this time Kenny Omega garnered a reputation for himself as the guy who has amazing matches that you've like, gotta see, man. Dave Meltzer, who I've mentioned before in these blogs, the only wrestling journalist who anyone takes seriously because he's famously hard to impress, started showering Kenny's hot, sexy body with 5-star ratings like he suddenly grew allergic to them and had to get them all out of his house. 

This reached the apex of ridiculous-ness when Dave, who i repeat is the only wrestling journalist people take seriously, flat out said fuck it and broke his own rating scale to give one of Kenny's matches a 6-star rating. Then he did it again like a month later, only this time it was a 6 and a half star rating. So apparently Kenny Omega is officially and demonstrably the best wrestler of all time. Wrestling is strange and exciting thing, one could call it "The Ultimate Thrill Ride" tm, but please don't or we'll all owe Vince money.  

During this time, The Bullet Club was taking over the wrestling world both inside and outside of Japan, becoming a global force, not to be confused with Global Force Wrestling created by Jeff Jarret, although Jeff Jarret himself also became a member of the bullet club. You better be keeping up with this. 

Over in Ring of Honor, which used to be a prestigious wrestling organization but now is just sort of like New Japan's American sidekick, yet more people super-friends-in-training were putting on the cool shirts and joining the increasingly massive ranks of Bullet Club Boiz. At this point the group is like a self-replicating wrestling virus that everybody wants because even though they don't want to be sick, those shirts are just so cool.  

The Young bucks showed up in ROH one day, (they like to show up wherever) and threw one of their famous "Super-Kick Parties", which I think should be self explanatory, but if not, it involves kicking people in the face. During this party they gave a shirt to Adam Cole and he became a member too. But he was only a member for like a year before they got a new member, Marty Scurll, who is like a renaissance doctor/Batman villain or something. For some reason this meant Adam Cole wasn't good enough anymore so they kicked him out and beat him up. Adam Cole was never seen again. Just kidding he showed up in WWE like a day later and became the North American Champion. 

Also there's this other guy in the group called Hangman Paige, I don't even know when he joined but he's there. He, The Young Bucks, Marty Scurll, and Kenny Omega were a part of a special Club within the ranks of the Bullet Club called The Elite. They had a youtube show. Nobody knows why. I would give anything to escape youtube and be a wrestler, and now you got all these wrestlers trying to have it both ways and be youtubers like it's cool. It's not cool. Stop it. 

Also around this time Cody Rhodes quit the WWE and decided find himself traveling the world and wrestling everybody in the wake of his father's death, The American Dream Dusty Rhodes. He became The American Nightmare, which is like an evil version of his dad I guess, and beat up everybody and became the Ring of Honor champion. 

Eventually he started wearing expensive suits and died his hair blonde to really cement that he's a bad dude now, complete with requisite bad tude. And since it's an unwritten law that bad dudes with bad tudes get to be in The Bullet Club, he was very quickly recruited. Once in, he immediately started butting heads with Kenny Omega for leadership. 

Eventually he betrayed Kenny and kicked him out of The Bullet Club and beat him up with Hangman Paige. But then Kenny's old tag partner/bestfriend/maybe-lover, Kota Ibushi came to save him and they reunited and everyone cried a million gay tears. 

Also Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson are now called "The Club" in WWE but are still basically The Bullet Club, while also being a part of Finn Balor's "Balor Club" which is like The Bullet Club except way into representation and diversity and lgbt issues or something. It's weird and complicated and doesn't make any sense at all but it's all basically just different groups of buddies in different parts of the world still bonded as family under the Bullet Club Umbrella, not to be confused with the Bullet Club umbrella carried by Bullet Club Elite member Marty Scurll because umbrellas are like his thing. 

Adam Cole is in NXT and he sort of started his own Baby Bullet Club with two other guys called The Undisputed Era so those two are like Bullet Club Boiz by proxy of being next to a Bullet Club Alumni. AJ Styles is there and he's not currently waving any flags for clubs, but as a former leader of The Bullet Club and still current best friend of Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson he is still about of The Club which itself is a part of The Balor Club, which itself is a subsidiary of the The Bullet Club and may in fact be the truest Club of all The Bullet Clubs because Finn Balor used to be Prince Devitt who started the Original Bullet Club in the first place. 

Basically The Bullet Club is 4 life. Regardless of where in the world they live and work, The Bullet Club has no borders and these men are bonded for life as brothers and best friends, despite the fact that they are constantly stabbing each other in the back, kicking each other out of the group, and starting their own offshoot groups. This is what wrestling is, a bunch of Boiz in clubs. 

There, now you're up to speed on The Bullet Club, and it only took me 2 and a half minutes to show you the entire wholesome saga set to some kickass weeby Presidents music. But hey, who needs little old me. I'm sure some other massively successful anime youtuber could explain all that with much less humor and much more time wasted talking.... like..... this... as if.... everything... is the most serious...... academic.... profound.... thing.... that ever happened..... in human history. 

I suppose you could find a video like that to watch. Or you could rock out to a fun amv that transfers all that information into your brain subconsciously while showing you a good time and lettin ya have fun, complete with a detailed and a hilarious Patreon post by a guy who always goes the extra mile for his loyal Endless Friends and Buttchug Brothers on patreon.com/endlessjess. 

Not that I'm referring to anyone in particular. Wait... that joke doesn't even make sense I already said I'm talking about me. Umm... look, i'm not bitter or anything. I'm glad that big successful youtubers are taking the time to suck all the fun out of wrestling with dry, slow, academic, entry level videos and getting patted on the back and praised for it by everyone like there hasn't been a guy here talking passionately about wrestling and getting new audiences interested in it for 7 goddamn motherfucking years. I'm not bitter.

I'm happy about it. Really, it's great. I don't need to be successful. I'm happy doing everything first and getting no credit for it when it becomes a bandwagon years later. I like getting no respect and no recognition and being treated like a piece of shit. In fact i love it. I love having no success, and no money, and having wasted away all of my 20s in a basement. This is a good life that i live. Really. I'm not bitter. 

This is good. 

Everything is good. 

Endless Jess..... is fine. 

...Please God get me out of here. It's not a joke. Help. Let me out.