This is (Not) The Rocky Horror Picture Show (Patreon)

Ho Ho Ho it's time for HOWL-O-FuRTER tHe CooLeST HOWL-IDAY In Town! Im a fucking WOof Man HOWWWWWLLLLLLLLLLLL

Here's a Not Review of a Not Rocky Horror made-for-TV-Shit-Show that no one asked for and which should not be. A heartless farce which features

0 Columbia Nipples

17 Commercial Breaks

7 Ads Literally On The Screen 

0 Believable Performances 

0 Reasons To Exist

3 Cast Members Chosen For Diversity Reasons As Opposed to Being Right For The Role

1 Transgender Female Incorrectly labeling herself as a Sweet Transvestite

0 Boners

1 Adam Levine or Lambert or whatever

1 Jarringly out of place Harley Quinn Impression

3 Butchered Accents

1 Extra Depressing Post-Stroke Wheelchair Bound Tim Curry Too Old And Dead Inside To Care

....Oh shit I made myself so sad with that last one I can't even continue with this stupid pointless numbering gimmick. 

For real the only good parts of this remake were the somewhat creative opening, and Tim Curry taking over for the narrator. Despite looking like he's at Death's door Tim manages to put more genuine emotion into his lines and has more presence than the entire rest of the cast put together. Him singing the closing narration brought an actual tear to my eye if only for the reminder that he's up there in years and actors of his gravitas and charisma are in dire short supply these days. 

That's not to say it's impossible for any actor to step into the role of these beloved characters and imbue the with their own spark. I've seen it done. Rocky Horror has been playing on stage for 40 years now. I went to a performance some ten years ago where the entire cast was played to perfection even whilst being vastly different from the original actors performances in some cases. I remember the guy who played Riff Raff went for a much less dry and sardonic portrayal and instead went full shuffling hunchback with Beast-Man-like snarling and Igor-esque foot dragging. The guy who played Frank N' Furter was much huskier both in voice and frame than Tim Curry, but managed to play the character in a way that made it work to his advantage and be just as memorable in it's own right. 

I regret that I don't remember the actors names from that night but it goes to show that no matter how iconic the original performance, a talented actor can make any role their own. So it's a cop-out to suggest it would be impossible for Laverne Cox to match Tim Curry's performance, it's very possible, just not for Laverne Cox specifically because she fucking sucks and can't act for shit. 

But for worst performance i have to hand out a special go away and never touch Rocky Horror again acting demerit to Annaleigh Ashford's bi-polar performance as my favorite character, Columbia. Played to tragically sexy perfection by Nell Campbell in the original. Most of the cast members in the remake attempted to channel the original actors, except for Miss Ashford who made the bold artistic decision to not play anything resembling Columbia at all, and instead simply down an entire box of Nyquil before attempting every drunk Comic-Con cosplayer's impression of Tara Strong's impression of Arleen Sorkin. Why? I don't know. All I know is down inside I'm bleeding. 

Also I ate Taco Bell before a halloween party and spent the entire night doubled over in the back seat of a parked car shitting my pants, which was only slightly more irritating and unpleasant than Faux-Furter's emotionally tone deaf rendition of I'm Going Home. Also I farted just now while writing that sentence and came very close to shitting my pants again which i suppose would fall under some definition of irony, like Rai-eee-aaaiiiin on Brad and Janet's wedding day. 

Fart-Shits must go, down the river of hot steaming

Flow Diarrhea Slow, and let the poo and pee come streaming

Into my shoes, INTO MY SHOOOOEEESSSS