RE: Trailer Trash Special (Patreon)

/// I'm kicking off April Fools on Royal Road with a special RE:TT chapter that I'll leave up for only April 1st before replacing it with the actual next story chapter on April 2nd. I won't be dissuaded from trying out a total prank post at least once in my writing career.

┌

  Initializing system…

  Target host found!

  Negotiating with host…

                                       ┘

┌

  Target host accepts!

  Quantifying values...

  Overwriting Tabi Mure…

                                         ┘

   Please. Please… anything but this. Someone— anyone, save me… Tabi gasped for each ragged breath in fright as clawed hands scrabbled, pawed, and grabbed at her leather jerkin to tug and drag her prone form through the muck and matted plant vegetation. Her head was in splitting agony from the blow struck to her temple, a fresh line of blood snaked down her brow to run across her dirt-smeared face, and Tabi’s entire body ached from the beating she’d taken.

   The hunched-over creatures snarled and hissed at each other in a guttural form of speech she didn’t understand, and raw terror urged her to struggle again. With the last of her ebbing strength Tabi flailed, attempting to twist out of those filthy hands and resist being pulled into the goblin den. A novice adventurer of only thirteen summers, Tabi knew beyond any shadow of a doubt that once she was stolen away into that foul-smelling hole, there would be no return.

   Annoyed by their captive’s uncooperative kicking and screaming, one of the goblins struck her across the face with a gnarled fist. The haphazard punch had more than enough force to stun Tabi into stillness. She tried to blink—the world seemed like it was spinning—and that knobby goblin hand came down across her twice more for good measure. Tabi sputtered out a mouthful of blood, seized, sagged, lurched, and then— 

┌

  Transmigration Success!

                                           ┘

┌

  Level Advancement!

  Tabi Mure → Tabitha Moore

  Level 2 → 16

  Health 13/70 → 52/280

  Strength 6 → 30

  Dexterity 7 → 44

  Constitution 6 → 26

  Intelligence 13 → 64

  Wisdom 7 → 35

  Charisma 5 → 40

                                               ┘

   Disoriented and confused, Tabitha let out a startled breath of surprise, shrugging off her would-be captors with a shove and sitting up in alarm.

   She was outside somewhere, seated on a sloping streambank at the bottom of an overgrown gulley leafy with ferns and foliage. Scattered sunbeams broke the canopy of branches overhead here and there, illuminating a gloomy ravine bottom. Steep, muddy banks and the stagnant puddles remained of what might have been a small stream in rainier seasons, and the apparent passage of water had eroded the empty streambed into overhangs of tree roots and trapped soil.

   The goblins rushed her, all five of them pouncing at the same time to knock her flat into the sludge again. 

   “What the—who—?” Tabitha screamed out. “Get the fuck off of me!”

   To the collective surprise of the creatures, this didn’t seem to be the last surge of strength of a cornered animal. The young adventurer girl they’d subdued so easily earlier was inexplicably now five times stronger. Tabitha’s panicked thrashing broke one shocked goblin’s arm and two of the others were thrown off of her as if from a bucking horse. The goblin hunting party’s leader, Scassh, raked filthy claws across the girl’s bare arm. The supple human flesh that should have sliced and split between his sharp digits was now impossibly tougher and hardier than it had been moments ago—he left only bloody scrapes behind.

   “Ow, ow! That fucking hurts!”

   Realizing something had gone horribly wrong, the goblin leader’s grotesque features twisted in dismay. Scassh was already trying to disengage when Tabitha kicked him, but the sheer force of the strike caved in his chest with a crunch of snapping bones and folded the goblin in two around the girl’s boot. He was killed instantly.

┌

  Goblin Scassh has been defeated!

  150 XP

                                                          ┘

   “Stop, stop!” Tabitha shrieked. “Get the—get the fucking fuck OFF OF ME!”

   Managing to fight her way back up onto one knee, Tabitha grabbed the final hissing and biting goblin that was trying to claw its way atop her by the arm and hurled him. The gangly creature flew, landing hard on the slope of the distant bank with a heavy splat. One of its limbs—as well as the entire shoulder it was attached to—twisted backwards in the muck with the impact, and dark-looking blood blossomed beneath the skin across its naked abdomen as organs ruptured. The thing let out a brief inhuman squawk that faded into a choked, gurgling rattle as it died.

┌

  Goblin has been defeated!

  75 XP

                                            ┘

   “What the—what the fuck?!” Tabitha yelled out as she stumbled to her feet.

   One of the surviving goblins rose from the ferns and growled out something that sounded like ghrassu vlat and was almost certainly some form of swearing, but its two companions were already scurrying away through the brush in different directions. The monstrous creature regarded Tabitha with hateful beady eyes for one last lingering moment. Then the hideous goblin turned away with a hiss and made his own escape.

   “What the fuck,” Tabitha repeated breathlessly, wheeling around in dismay.

   She felt exhausted, battered with bruises and covered with scratches and cuts— many of them stinging, deep, nasty ones. Her clothing was strange and hanging on her in wet, filthy tatters. It felt like she’d crawled her way through a flooded latrine or a sewer, and she had no idea what the fuck was even— 

   No. No, I DO know what’s going on, Tabitha realized, grabbing for the knife she kept on her belt. The empty leather sheath dangled there, flaccid and impotent. Tabi’s treasured knife was long gone. I... sort of know what’s going on. Sort of. Kind of?

   She was once Tabi Mure, an orphan peasant girl pressed into becoming a novice adventurer at the promise of coin. The insides of her skull felt positively slick with unfamiliar memories and the context of Tabi Mure could be immediately gleaned in a weird, unsettling way. Everything she could grasp about the situation seemed like completely bad news, but at the very least Tabitha had a distant sense of what the hell was going on.

   Focusing on the slight mental pressure lurking on the periphery of her awareness, Tabitha allowed the waiting status windows to appear one by one, examining them with disbelief as they swam into view.

┌

  Class Advancement!

  Class: Adventurer (E Rank) → Undefined (Err̸o̵r̵ Ran̴͖̫̗̙̖̆k̶̳͎̱͎̓͋̒̋̽̐̀)̵̡̳͓̹͕̞̉̽̄̉̚͝

  A problem has occurred with Class Advancement.

  Please notify your Undefiň̷̥ed Class Trainer for assistance.

                                                                                                ┘

┌

  Skill Advancement!

  Adventurer Basic Survival (Simple) → Martial Art: Taekwondo (Yellow Belt)

                                                        → Movement Art: Parkour (White Band)

                                                                                                                         ┘

┌

  Skill Advancement!

  Short Run (400 Paces) → Sustained Run (10,000 Paces)

                                                                                               ┘

┌

  Skill Advancement!

  Literacy (Simple) → Literature (Advanced)

                                                                      ┘

┌

  Skill Advancement!

  Handcrafting (Simple) → Craft Specialization: Climbing Harness (Intermediate)

                                                                                                                                 ┘

┌

  Skill Advancement!

  Cooking (Simple) → Cooking (Erro̴̤̎ȓ̵̪)̵̟̼̱͛

  A problem has occurred with Skill Advancement.

  Please notify your Unḏ̵͕̣͊́̚e̷͔̝̖͌f̷͓̈́́͂̆̔̈́̎̕̕  ḛ̸̡̨̤͕̤̤̥̙̞͈͖͈͙̲̞̈́͂͑̄͊͊͒̒̓̕͠d̷͖̱̰̀͜ Cl  s̵̛͇͙̗͓̩͍͍̟̼̥͛̇̋͑̋͑̒̈́͌̆̚̕  r̵̻͍̞͙͇̗̔à̷̟̥̘̪͔͚̩̖̜͋̎͂͌͝͝ỉ̵̹̖̱̖͈̥̝͉͎̭̩̻̆ņ̸̼͓͙̫͖͙͒e̸͇̺̳̠̖͔͍̞̤̩̪̥̪͑̈́̅͐̈́͑͋̆͒̂̆͜ͅͅ f̷͍̙͇͍͇̲̬̃̒̑́͒̐̔̒͒͊̀̌͜͠ơ̷̧͙̝̰̦̗̲͚̞̣͕̹̗̙̈́́̑̅͌̓̽̽͂͐̚͝ͅ a̸̢̨̯͇̬͝s̶̢̳̱̏̈̌̅̏̈́̇̈́̆͊̐̓̆͛̈́̕ ì̴̫̞̊͂̒̈̓̒̋̿̀̃͒͌s̷̛̝̬̙̜͑̈́͂̈́̽͆͊̐͗̂̽̽̃̚̚ţ̵̢̛̰̟͍̫̖͖̙̦̈́̀̏̈̉̎͊͗ͅͅà̷̗̘̳̦̹̩̮̹͍̻͈̖͊͂̇̿̀͒͗́͛͋͋̕  ę̸̮̊̓͐͂̈́͊͑͊̐́̑͘͝͠͝..̴̢̼͕͍̱͔̪͍̭̫̲̻̍̎͒̽̕̚

                                                                                        ┘

┌

  Skill Advancement!

  Arithmetic (Simple) → Mathematics: Algebra (Error)

                                    Mathematics: Geometry (Error)

                                    Mą̶̞͗͊̉̆ṱ̶̟͚̭͎̙͔̝̖̿̄̀̃͜͝ẖ̸͖̜͖̝́  mat̴̼͔̺̟̹͂̏́̍̓͠ḯ̶̲͈͑̂  s̴͚̺͑: Č̶̢̡̢͇̦͕̹̭̰̙̦̹̙͙̜̓̇̂̐̌́̒̚͠ą̶̣͙̟͓͇̮̠̫̯̱͔̣̊̽̍̓̿̏͒͗͘l̵̡̛͍̲̗̦̝͎̹̜̤͎͙̪͍̋̒͜c̶̘͊͌́̀̆̔̕͝ ļ̵͈̹͓̝̩̘̥̭͍͔̽̑͌̄͗̉͋̂̏͗͋͝ȗ̶̠̳̄̓̇̍s̶̲̯̯̳̈́̌͑̍͝ (E̶̡̢̦͇͎͈̙̤̯͈͓̯̪̳̝̪͖̱̋͐̓͑́͑͌̄͆̈́̄̉̎̈́̕͜͝͠r̸̗̤̂̐͐͑̕r̸̡̨̙͈̗͖̲̠̲͔̝̮͓͙̝̘̖͖̺̙̼̯̹̱̰͍̹̹̫̪̺̘̹̜̫̈́̏̋́̔̇̇̏͆̇͑̎͒̉̎̈́̏͑͊̑̆̏̀̇͊̌͑̚͜͜͜͝ͅǫ̸͍̹̮̝͕̥̳̩̣̣̯͉̲͔̪̳̬͕̪̜͗̈͑̌̂͐̋̀̇͜͠ͅr̷̥͉̩͓̻̬̖͕̜̖̬͖̹̜͋̌̄͝)

A probl m has oc urred with Sk ll Adv ncement.

Plea̸̺͝se no ify yo̷̲͝ r Unḏ̵͕̣͊́̚e̷͔̝̖͌f̷͓̈́́͂̆̔̈́̎̕̕  ḛ̸̡̨̤͕̤̤̥̙̞͈͖͈͙̲̞̈́͂͑̄͊͊͒̒̓̕͠d̷͖̱̰̀͜ Cl  s̵̛͇͙̗͓̩͍͍̟̼̥͛̇̋͑̋͑̒̈́͌̆̚̕  r̵̻͍̞͙͇̗̔à̷̟̥̘̪͔͚̩̖̜͋̎͂͌͝͝ỉ̵̹̖̱̖͈̥̝͉͎̭̩̻̆ņ̸̼͓͙̫͖͙͒e̸͇̺̳̠̖͔͍̞̤̩̪̥̪͑̈́̅͐̈́͑͋̆͒̂̆͜ͅͅ f̷͍̙͇͍͇̲̬̃̒̑́͒̐̔̒͒͊̀̌͜͠ơ̷̧͙̝̰̦̗̲͚̞̣͕̹̗̙̈́́̑̅͌̓̽̽͂͐̚͝ͅ a̸̢̨̯͇̬͝s̶̢̳̱̏̈̌̅̏̈́̇̈́̆͊̐̓̆͛̈́̕ ì̴̫̞̊͂̒̈̓̒̋̿̀̃͒͌s̷̛̝̬̙̜͑̈́͂̈́̽͆͊̐͗̂̽̽̃̚̚ţ̵̢̛̰̟͍̫̖͖̙̦̈́̀̏̈̉̎͊͗ͅͅà̷̗̘̳̦̹̩̮̹͍̻͈̖͊͂̇̿̀͒͗́͛͋͋̕  ę̸̮̊̓͐͂̈́͊͑͊̐́̑͘͝͠͝..̴̢̼͕͍̱͔̪͍̭̫̲̻̍̎͒̽̕̚

                                                                                    ┘

   A dozen more garbled windows followed, each successive one growing more unreadable than the last. With an uneasy laugh, Tabitha dismissed all of the remaining Skill Advancement windows. From what she could surmise, this system failed to translate a lot of her previous life correctly into concepts here.

   My previous life… Tabitha felt herself begin to tear up. No, no. No time to think about it right now. I’ll— I’ll figure it out somehow. Right now I’m in danger. Need to focus on surviving.

   The two broken goblin corpses strewn across the bottom of the gulley were a grisly reminder. Tabi had been utterly terrified by the creatures— and with good reason— but that weaker girl had been subsumed. Looking at the gory stinking remains, Tabitha Moore felt only nausea and disgust. It was a bit like looking at some large animal she’d accidentally hit with her Honda Pilot on one of Kentucky’s back roads. Roadkill. She hadn’t intended to murder them and didn’t wish violence on anyone, but... it had happened. They were dead, and Tabitha didn’t want to dwell on the fact a moment longer than necessary.

   There was still an insistent vague pressure and she knew there were still a few more status windows demanding her attention— these ones even felt more important somehow— but Tabitha needed to take a look around her and get her bearings. The vast swath of forest to the far west of her hometown Mure could be a dangerous place.

   The small creekbed had been drying up for days and days, and it wasn’t one significant enough for Tabi to remember from any oral description of the area. Glancing from one end of the small valley to the other, Tabitha couldn’t even tell which direction the water flowed when there was water, and that was a problem. Her cursory glances at the muck and dark clay covering her entire body revealed several gashes that needed immediate attention, and in Tabi’s small experience that meant she needed a source of fresh water to clean her wounds.

   Behind her, buried deep in the recesses of an outcropping of tangled roots, was a goblin warren. The opening was small, not something she could enter just on her hands and knees. To get inside, she would have to actually crawl, slither down some fair stretch of tunnel, the sides of which were packed with pressed goblin feces and the parts of animal carcasses that goblins were unable to digest.

   Which, obviously, I’m never, EVER going to do, Tabitha decided, taking a healthy step back from the entrance. 

   Tabi had been an E Rank Adventurer, which didn’t have much of an analogous comparison to anything from Tabitha Moore’s world. It was the necessary rank to explore the wildlands on her own to harvest bundles of tillyweed. Because of how dangerous the forests were, citizens weren’t allowed outside the far boundary wall without a minimum E Rank— feeding even helpless humans to monsters was commonly known to slightly stimulate monster’s growth, making them more intelligent and cunning and ultimately raising their threat level.

   Or worse, girls getting dragged away to become a goblin seedbed, Tabitha thought to herself, warily eyeing the goblin warren one last time and then heading off down the ravine a ways. She was now fourteen full levels higher than the poor ill-fated Level 2 Tabi Mure, but there was no sense taking any chances. When she was a fair distance down the old creekbed she climbed up the slope to where she had a better view of her surroundings, and then finally released her mental hold on the status messages.

┌

  Title Gained!

  Returner: Host retains memory buffer when targeted by time revision magics, skills, or effects.

                                                                                                                                                          ┘

┌

  Title Gained!

  Dreamstrider: Host remains lucid when targeted by dream encroaching magics, skills, or effects.

                                                                                                                                                              ┘

┌

  Title Gained!

  Transmigrator: Host values aggregate for local conversion when traversing incompatible realms.

                                                                                                                                                             ┘

   Okay. Bonuses, maybe, Tabitha thought, reading them over again before dismissing them. Cool. Definitely sound handy, but I honestly really, REALLY hope I’ll never be in those kinds of situations to need them. There’s… apparently both time magic and dream intrusion? What the fuck else do I need to watch out for, then?

   Titles seemed to be rare, at least. Tabi hadn’t been aware of any titles besides Lord, because there was a ‘Lord Conneran’ who ruled over the several small towns and one little city that existed in their region.

   Whatever. Not important, Tabitha decided. Not a priority, right now.

   She was seriously hurting. Her health had at some point ticked down a few numbers to 48, but she wasn’t extremely clear on what the points represented beyond the obvious. Every part of her body ached with bruises and injuries as if she’d taken a bad tumble down a long staircase and then been unkindly dragged back up said stairway for another tumble or two.

( RE: Trailer Trash Special pt 2 )

/// This is part 1 of 3 of the RE:TT special. Putting up a real RE:TT post tomorrow, gonna try to alternate back and forth between them for a bit. Expect daily posts for a good while, lol.