RE: Trailer Trash, 58 pt 1 (Patreon)

    As always, a trip to Springton’s Food Lion was a nostalgic affair. In her past life she had stopped shopping there when she moved out of the trailer for college—even after moving ‘back’ to the area her apartment was over towards the other side of town. At that point she had gotten groceries at the Kroger in Fairfield, since it was closer. Memories of the Food Lion here in town from her past life now were scant—she maybe remembered following behind her father with the shopping cart, listless and annoyed to be there.

    Memories from her present life had stolen center stage, because this was where Tabitha hunted carefully for bargains and cross-checked coupon prices throughout this past summer. Her parents finally conceding the food planning to her had been one of the first instances of regaining agency and starting to feel like her life was in her control again, so they were positive memories. Even more than those ones, she remembered coming here for ice cream to celebrate right when they’d taken her home from the hospital.

    Was excited and just so… HAPPY. It was one of those rare moments where I felt like I was connecting with my ‘child’ self, Tabitha recalled, unbuckling her seatbelt.

    Riding in the back of a police squad car was a novel experience, because Tabitha hadn’t thought cops were allowed to use their patrol vehicles for personal errands. Apparently, here in Springton it was even somewhat encouraged; an off-duty officer was still an officer, and the presence of a police car throughout town was a reassurance to everyone and in theory helped deter crime.

    “Alright girls, looks like I can’t keep you under arrest,” Officer Macintire chuckled.

    The man opened the rear door for Hannah so that she could hop out, and with a wry smile Tabitha opened her side and also climbed out. Immediately the bobbing dark hair of Hannah crossed around the back of the vehicle and took Tabitha’s hand—then, Hannah led Tabitha to the waiting Officer Macintire and held his hand as well. The parking lot and crossing the street rules were in solid effect; they all had to be holding hands.

    Feel like this would be a funny kinda-sorta prank to pull on my friends, Tabitha thought. Sometime or other when we’re all together and Hannah’s there. Since Elena got so fussy about teenagers holding hands during the movie.

    The trip down the row of parked cars to the storefront was difficult—or rather, Hannah was being difficult today. The little girl was pulling them both forward as if incredibly impatient to get there, and she even dropped down as if to hang her body weight from each of their arms once.

    “No, Hannah,” The girl’s father scolded. “Not this time. We can’t be swinging you like we used to—you’re eight hundred pounds now, and Tabitha’s not gonna put up with all your weight like that.”

    “Ugh! Fine,” Hannah pouted, instead swinging each of their held hands back and forth.

    Tabitha could almost picture it—a slightly younger Hannah exclaiming with glee as her feet lifted off the ground, swung between her two parents. It was surely something she was used to doing while walking with her father. Or, perhaps Hannah just wasn’t as behaved when she was around her dad, because Sandra was the one who was more quick to scold her in situations.

    “Thank you, Hannah,” Tabitha said, giving the little hand a squeeze. “In fact—just a little bit slower, please. I had a looong day at school, and even just walking here like this, I’m a little out of breath.”

    It was actually Officer Macintire who was having trouble matching the seven-year-old’s excited pace. He was walking about as steadily as she remembered seeing him walk yesterday when they went to the bus stop together, but it was still a sedate, careful walk. The man had been stuck in bed for most of the past several months and was just beginning to finish his recovery.

    Officer Macintire gave Tabitha a small, appreciative smile at helping cover for him, and Tabitha quickly looked away, blushing out of control.

    Wh-wha-what the fuck?! Tabitha felt a giddy rush. That was the most fatherliest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. He’s SO HANDSOME. That was like, THE father move of father moves. Except he’s not MY dad, he’s this hot older guy I’m living with. No, HE’S NOT HOT. He’s taken. He’s married already. Chill! Calm down. Ease off, hormones! He’s not on the menu. Just, uh yeah, SHEESH, okay Sandy fine yeah, your husband is very good looking.

    Tabitha stared intently down towards the pavement as she watched her new shoes take each step to cross the pedestrian area in front of the Food Lion. She’d had a few slightly starry-eyed moments with Bobby where she was feeling a little infatuated, and then she remembered a burst of this strange sudden attraction back when she first met Matthew Williams. That one had faded away, and surely this one would, too.

    I want to say I just need laid, but that is NOT happening anytime soon, Tabitha struggled to shove down the unwelcome feelings. If ever.

    I well, I maybe do need some sort of safe outlet for… THAT kind of stuff. Not even a SEXUAL one or like ‘private time’ or anything like that—those harlequin novels she gave me didn’t do much for me. I feel like getting the cast off and getting cleared to run again will help a ton. That’s a SAFE outlet. Feel like it helps stabilize all my crazy moods, gives them a way to… I don’t know, vent or something. Good exercise, getting my workout zen on, into that sort of meditation zone.

    They crossed up the small ramp cut into the curbside area, and Tabitha released Hannah’s hand, following behind the father and daughter pair as the way forward became too narrow to comfortably pass with the three of them side-by-side. Double-doors automatically opened for them, and directly above, a blower of some sort was installed and attempting to push back the January air from creeping inside. Officer Macintire began to tug a shopping cart out of the nested line of carts queued up, but Hannah slapped his hands away and put up a mighty struggle to pull one out herself.

    “Dad! I push the cart. Remember?!”

    “Hah—okay, okay. Can you get it out, though?”

    “Hnnnghh—yeah I can get it out. It’s stuck, though. Dad—”

    “Want me to get it? Here—”

    “No! I’ve got it. hnnn-nngghhh! Tabitha, help pull this—”

    “Here—” Officer Macintire tried again.

    “No! We’ve got it!”

    “Alright, Hannah,” Tabitha gave Officer Macintire an apologetic smile as she stepped forward and put one hand on the cart’s long handlebar alongside Hannah’s hands. “Are you ready?”

    “Yeah! I’m ready.”

    “One, two—”

    “Three!!” Hannah yanked with her entire body.

    The stubborn shopping cart disengaged from the one it was stuck in with a loud clatter as the metal mesh of that one dropped down—Hannah almost lost her footing and was bowled over as their prize rolled back into them, but Tabitha managed to scoop her up. Officer Macintire let out an over dramatic sigh for Hannah’s sake, and Hannah responded with a smile so gleeful it bordered on bratty.

    “See? We got it. All by ourselves!” Hannah said, taking the handle and swiveling the cart towards the inside of the store in a wild motion. “All by ourselves.”

    “Hannah!” Tabitha warned. “Careful, please. There’s other customers here, too.”

    “Oh, she’s fine!” An older woman beamed down at Hannah as she pushed a cart full of grocery bags out through the exit. “She’s adorable!”

    “I know,” Officer Macintire shook his head and let out another aggrieved sigh. “Hannah Piana, why don’t you let Tabby steer the cart for us today?”

    “I want to steer,” Hannah pouted. “And, it’s not piana, it’s pian-o.”

    “I think… she must just be excited to be out with you again, after so long?” Tabitha said with a wince. 

    “Pssh, no I’m not,” Hannah retorted, so much sarcasm dripping in her voice that Tabitha’s eyebrows rose up. “I just want to push the cart!”

    Yeah, I can tell—I was just trying to make excuses for you, Tabitha put on a strained smile. I’m not used to seeing THIS Hannah come out. I remember Mrs. Williams and Mrs. Macintire both warning me about what a little monster she can be, but I guess over time I thought they must be exaggerating. Nope! Here it is. She’s like an angel when she’s just with me, and kind of extra snarky when she’s with her mother, and then when she’s around her dad… apparently she’s more like this?

    It was hard to understand the change in dynamic, because Officer Macintire didn’t seem like a bad dad. On the contrary, he seemed like a picture-perfect sitcom father. He still chided Hannah when appropriate and was mindful of her and what she was doing, so it was hard to fathom where all of this sudden attitude from Hannah sprung up from, here.

    I guess… it’s just not something I can understand right away? Tabitha walked beside Hannah with her good hand guiding along the girl’s back. I barely even comprehend the weird situation between me and my own father, I can’t just assume I’ll be able to look at the Macintires and the way they act and GET IT all of the sudden. But, yeah. She’s seven, and sometimes she’s just gonna be a total handful. Need to appreciate how good she is most of the rest of the time.

    Tabitha realized she had been extraordinarily blessed to have seen so much of Hannah’s good side—but also now this was embarrassing, because she felt responsible for Hannah and wanted to help her be on her best behavior. As the girl’s live-in nanny, there with their family for the express purpose of helping them take care of Hannah, wasn’t that her duty? This made her feel awkward, inadequate, like she was all at once revealed to have been doing a terrible job. And, right in front of her dad! Ughh!

    “Hannah,” Tabitha asked in a gentle voice. “A little slower, please.”

    “We don’t have to go that slow,” Hannah said. “Look. See?”

    They followed the shopping cart together into the store proper, and Tabitha cast a wistful look across the long aisles of different products. There was always so much to take in; fluorescent lights high up above, promotional display of pepsi boxes. The antiquated terminals at each of the check out stations, the afternoon customers shopping, and the quaint aprons over uniforms each of the cashiers was dressed in. One of the heavyset women working over there even had orange hair which was almost the same shade as Tabitha’s own.

    That’s rare, Tabitha thought to herself, frowning as she watched for the woman to turn so she could see her face. She almost looks like—

    The step of her Nike Air Maxes slowed as Tabitha’s mind seemed to lurch to a halt, and the protective hand she had kept at Hannah’s back was suddenly reaching for air as the little girl moved on without her.

    Mom…?

    That couldn’t be, because it was impossible—but she recognized that cashier over there, and it was her mother. Shannon Moore. Except, her mother couldn’t be here working at a Food Lion, because that was completely impossible. Tabitha’s mind whirled as it attempted to compute what she was seeing, but only returned errors, because this was not something she could parse.

    What’s she doing here?

    Her mother was checking out a customer, passing item after item through the scanner and bagging them as if she was a cashier here. Which she couldn’t be, because her mother never left the house—Mrs. Moore had severe social anxiety and some form of agoraphobia. She was a shut-in, she always had been. In defiance of these facts, her eyes saw a very different reality, one where her mother was instead working at the grocery store here in town.

    “Tabitha?” Officer Macintire paused, sounding unsure as to why she had stopped.

    “That’s—” Tabitha wanted to let out a laugh of disbelief. “That’s my mom. Over there.”

    “What?” Hannah stopped and looked back.

    How is she out of the house? Tabitha’s mind was racing. How does she have A JOB. She’s never had a job before—not since back before I was born, whatever modeling or advertising stuff that didn’t work out. Acting and whatever. She never left the house after that—sh-she didn’t even get a job after dad passed. It was, she didn’t, this can’t—?!

    The timeline had changed, because in this divergent reality, her mother was able to get a job.

    She’s pregnant—I don’t know HOW I keep forgetting that, Tabitha swore to herself. Not even just that, everything’s different. The home situation. I’m not there, and we, we aren’t the same with each other, we kind of bonded a little, and I started to get her eating better. She OPENED UP about the stuff with her past. I think the logic of it is sound—she’s pregnant, and with another child on the way, they’ll need more income. Probably. It makes sense.

    Her mind could make sense of it maybe, but her heart could not. She was used to understanding her mother in certain ways that no longer applied, Tabitha’s mental picture of her mother was mapped into a box that she shouldn’t have been able to get out of. Things had changed, but Tabitha hadn’t realized how much they had changed, for her mother to be out here among people, working a job. The sudden dissonance was a startling wake up call—and guilt followed with it.

    She was in tears back when we had dinner at Applebees, and she took my side when we had Christmas, Tabitha wanted to groan with frustration at her own apparent ignorance. She was mad at dad, she’s BEEN upset with him. The day I left, she was sobbing, I remember seeing her yell at him. Tell us that of course we had their permission for me to stay with the Macintires.

    There seemed to be a sad combination of denial and detachment at play that clouded Tabitha’s perception in this direction, and it was incredibly frustrating to feel so out of touch with what was really going on. She knew her mother had changed, but also she refused to really accept it, believe it, internalize it as truth. The issues with her immediate family drove her to avoid thinking about them whenever possible, or to replace that sort of actual thinking with just a long series of unfavorable comparisons to the Macintires.

    “Oh,” Officer Macintire made a noise of surprise at spotting Mrs. Moore. “Wow—didn’t realize your mom worked here.”

    “...Neither did I,” Tabitha said, still stunned. “I didn’t know.”

    “You okay?” Officer Macintire asked.

    “I—yeah, yeah,” Tabitha tore her eyes away from her mother. “We can, um, let’s get everything we need. And then, if it’s okay—I’ll talk with her? We can check out in her line.”

    “Sure, yeah,” The man nodded. “So long as you’re cool.”

    I don’t think I’m cool.

    Tabitha wandered along behind Officer Macintire and a now very wary looking Hannah as they started for the side of the store where the wrapped packs of meat lined the open cooler displays. She didn’t know what to think or how to feel, but Tabitha knew she was not okay with this. No, that wasn’t right. It was good that Mrs. Moore had somehow broken out of her shell and was out amidst people; great, even. It was Tabitha who was in the wrong, for abandoning her mother so thoroughly and jumping ship to an easier life.

    That’s… not completely right, either, Tabitha thought, feeling like she’d swallowed a bug. I just. I don’t know. I couldn’t BE THERE. I needed time, and then even when all this time has passed, and—I haven’t put much of any honest thought towards even going back. Because things are so much BETTER at the Macintires, living with them. I was supposed to be working through things and resolving all of that, and instead I’ve just been off thinking about my NEW LIFE, not thinking about them at all. Because—I left them behind.

    Suddenly being made to confront a lot of uncomfortable truths had her head spinning, because she hadn’t been prepared to delve back into this at all. Tabitha was in her high school mindset, she had been thinking about Bobby, thinking about becoming popular, about her new friends and new life. Not much thought at all had been spared towards her actual parents, who still lived at the old trailer in the trailer park, as trailer trash.

    What do I say to her? Tabitha’s stomach fell. What do I DO, here? I honestly just want to keep running away from this, to run and run and run away from all of THAT and never look back. But also, I CAN’T. Because—I do love my mom. And my dad, I love both of them. Just, coming to terms with the idea that they’re not, I don’t know. The same? That he’s not the same stubborn infuriating dad who can’t listen to reason, that she’s not the insufferable trailer park despot she used to be. No, I’ve known she hasn’t been like that for a while, now.

    The boys, too! Tabitha’s heart fell. How long has it been since I visited them? Aside from that hour or two there at Christmas, I never go over there and play with them, any more. I don’t spend time with grandma Laurie, even after EVERYTHING she’s done for me. Sewing together like we used to, or looking through magazines for ideas, or just TALKING. I just… traipsed on out of their lives, because I had traded up for something better, basically. Left all of them behind.

    The thought of going back terrified her, and now the thought of not going back also filled her with dread. Tabitha had to do something, she knew she did, but she had no idea what to do.

    “Tabitha?” Hannah now looked frustrated to be stuck pushing the cart, and dropped one hand off of the handlebar there as if tempted to leave it behind. “Are you—are you okay?”

    “I’m—surprised?” Tabitha answered. “I guess.”

    “That’s your mom?” Hannah asked.

    “Yeah,” Tabitha said. “I uh, I think you’ve maybe met her? I don’t know if you would remember. From the hospital. I know you were both there the day they took me home from the hospital, we um, we visited your dad there before we left.”

    “I remember,” Hannah said, staring at her with an expression Tabitha didn’t know how to decipher. “Do you have to see her?”

    “I think so,” Tabitha frowned. “Yeah.”

    “Oh.”

    “Hannah Piana, s’not like she’s gonna just pretend she didn’t notice her own mom,” Officer Macintire chuckled. “We’ve all gotta at least stop through and say hi.”

    “Yeah.”

    Hannah took on a strange, almost manic look for a moment—a sudden sharp intake of breath as though she might suddenly start to cry, a hard look at the tiled floor of Food Lion as if forcing her eyes not to water. Then, Hannah pivoted on her heel and righted the shopping cart again, pushing it forward slowly now, purposefully. Bossy, bad behavior Hannah had been forcefully boxed away and shelved deep within Hannah’s psyche somehow. It was a fascinating scene and Tabitha would have loved to understand what was going through the little girl’s head, exactly, but her own thoughts were such a mess that she wasn’t even sure where to begin.

    She doesn’t want me to go back to living with them, obviously, Tabitha thought she understood. But, that’s not something that would happen anyways. Is it? I can’t even imagine leaving, at this point. On the other hand though, there’s some small part of me that I guess can’t imagine NOT leaving. Not going back, at least for a little bit. Not figuring out what is going on with them and me, resolving things there. Oh, lord. What am I going to even do?

( Previous, 57 pt 7 | RE: Trailer Trash | Next, 58 pt 2 )

/// I forgot, next month is May! So, chapter 55 will go up to Royal Road on the fifteenth, instead of the first. Readers there are more forgiving of my terribad writing when I can slip in an author note about it being my birthday then.

/// ONE more RE:TT section so I can get through some interesting bits, then I'll switch back over to Renfaire Fantasy.