70. Rationalisations (Patreon)

“I need to tell you one more thing, and then I think that you will know all my secrets,” I told Herald. It felt good. I hadn’t liked keeping anything secret from her, not with how kind, trusting, and above all trustworthy she had proven. “The hole in the ceiling, there. The square one. Up there is a room that is connected by one of the long tunnels to a pit, where I woke up. And beyond that is a cave where I have my nest, and my hoard. It’s connected to an opening on the mountain, so that is how I usually go in and out.” I paused and thought for a moment. “Yes. I think that is everything.”

“Thank you for trusting me with this, Draka,” Herald said, reaching out to stroke my neck. I loved it when she did that. It was relaxing. Calming. Especially with her resting against me the way she was, it reminded me of rainy afternoons cuddled up under a blanket with Andrea, drinking chai and bingeing Netflix. Comforting physical contact is a rare thing when you’re a big ol’ murder lizard, and I missed it often.

I still had to push a little before I could let our conversation go. “The fact that you are refusing to hold me responsible for whatever is affecting you and Mak, does it not bother you? It seems like you are rationalising it away, or ignoring it.”

“Perhaps I am. But now that you have told me everything that you know, it is easier to accept. I believe you when you say that you are not doing anything intentional, and I hope that you believe me when I tell you that I can still tell when you are hiding something from me. Whatever this is, it is not making me believe you blindly. But, sure, this unknown power of yours may be making it so that I do not worry about it. I worry about that, and I hope that it is not so. But you have only ever made me happier, richer, and more fulfilled. You have never taken advantage of me, as far as I know. So I will not blame you for things you have no control over.”

She reached up and put her hand on my chin, guiding my head so that we looked directly at each other, and solemnly said, “But I ask again that you be kind to Mak. Perhaps she deserved some punishment, but she had no control over the situation when she helped the slavers. She did what she had to to protect me, and she could do nothing else. If she could have died instead, she would have. We both know that. She has been punished, and she continues to punish herself. Enough. I understand if you cannot undo what has been done to her, but do not abuse her. Promise me that.”

“Yeah. I promise. But I need you to remind me of that promise if necessary. If the dragon part of me comes to the front, I may use her however feels most beneficial in the moment. I need you to keep me honest.”

“I will,” she said, and there was nothing yielding or agreeable in her voice. It was a promise. I had her sister’s life and happiness in my hands, and Herald was not going to let me handle them roughly.

It was hard to know exactly how I was affecting her, but I was pretty sure that if anything was going to break Herald away from me it would be that, and no part of me was willing to risk Herald’s friendship and goodwill. I didn’t know what I would do if I lost her, whether someone took her from me or I drove her away. She was my life line. She made me feel connected to my own humanity in a way that no one and nothing else did.

“I wish I could take you up there,” I told her. “To show you my hoard.”

“Is that the human or the dragon talking,” she asked, one side of her mouth quirking up. “I am not sure I would want to go if it is the dragon. I wish to see the sun again some day, you know.”

“Do not worry. There is a lovely ledge you can watch the sunrise from. It is a thousand feet or so above the forest, with a lovely view all the way to the sea.”

“Do you have a bath?”

“Not at such, but maybe I could arrange something?”

“In that case I think we will have to keep it to a short visit. I would prefer not to become a permanent fixture unless I can have a bath every so often.”

I snorted. “Jokes aside, I do want to show you my home. Perhaps we could set up a rope ladder. Or I could teach you to climb, if we can get the right equipment, but that is for another day. For now, we should return to the camp and see if Ardek has managed to keep himself alive.”

“I believe that you are projecting,” Herald said. She got up, and even though it was my suggestion I felt a gut wrenching absence at the loss of contact. “Mak is not violent by nature. If anything she will have scolded him into submission.”

“Kinky,” I muttered, but the word didn’t translate.

“More of you ‘draconic’?,” Herald asked. “What does it mean?”

“I will tell you when you are older,” I answered primly, and she rolled her eyes at me.

“What is your plan now?” she asked me as we walked back.

“Plan? I am flattered that you think I have a plan. Three days ago I was expecting you to be happy wasting your silver in the city until you felt the itch to come hunt with me. Now all I have in mind is to keep you and your sister – and the boy you wanted me to keep – safe until we know how to handle the situation.”

“But you want revenge, do you not?”

“Yes. But saying ‘Let us go kill the whore who wronged us!’ is very different from actually doing it. Believe me, I want very much to just fly into the city and start tearing through anything that looks criminal until I find a lead, but I also know that will only get me killed in the long run. We need to know how to find her, and how to get to her. And before that, we need to know how to get that information.”

“And that,” Herald said in a lecturing tone, “is why I wanted you to keep Ardek alive. He was part of the Night Blossom’s organisation. He must know something!”

“He did say that he worked as security at some of her businesses…” I mused.

The conversation didn’t go much further, but we agreed that we had somewhere to start.

As we neared the hub and the camp we began to hear voices echoing in the distance. As we got closer I heard clear sounds of pain and I got a little worried, since my conversation with Herald had made Ardek’s importance rise in my mind. But when I heard Mak’s steady but annoyed voice, I calmed again.

“– wouldn’t hurt so much if you didn’t try to play tough all the time!” she was saying as we approached.

“Stay silent,” I whispered to Herald, and we carefully stalked closer.

Ardek’s voice carried through the darkness, strained with pain. “The dragon barely tolerates me as it is. How do you know she wouldn’t have just killed me if I slowed you down?”

Mak sighed audibly. “Probably because my sister asked her not to. Besides, she doesn’t kill needlessly. I’ve never seen her hurt anyone who didn’t deserve it. If you asked for a rest she would have been annoyed and said something threatening and snarky, but she wouldn’t have hurt you.”

We got closer. Mak had set up another light-ball to support the first, and in the overlap of the two Ardek lay on his back on some furs, his injured leg propped up on a bag. His trouser leg was pulled up to mid-thigh, and Mak had her hands on either side of his knee with a focused look on her face, gently massaging as her magic flowed from her into the joint. I stopped to listen, and Herald stopped with me, her hand on my back.

“You really don’t think she’ll kill me as long as I try to do what she wants?” Ardek asked, and as though it was the hundredth time she’d been asked this question Mak answered, “No. I don’t think she would. I don’t think she’d kill you even if you refused to do something, as long as it didn’t hurt anyone else. I don’t know what she’d do, but I don’t think she’d kill you. Now hold still. You keep making this more difficult than it needs to be.”

I could see that Mak’s healing was only trickling in, and I guessed that she was trying to hide the fact that she was using magic. I remembered the soothing warmth when she’d healed me; it would be hard to miss.

She was clearly hiding her abilities from Ardek, but she must have formed some kind of attachment to him. Why else would she be healing him? Perhaps it was just her role as Team Mom shining through, but I hoped that there was some kind of bond forming between them. Everything would go smoother if my minions got along with each other.

Minions. That’s what they were, weren’t they? A day ago I had been quite smug and satisfied about that, but now I wasn’t sure what I felt about it. Herald was right. Mak had been punished enough. But as much as I might like to – and I didn’t even know if I did – I had no idea to reverse something I had probably done when I’d never known how to do it in the first place. Ardek was another story. I still had no good reason to believe that he didn’t harbour some hidden loyalty to the Blossom, and I wasn’t letting him back in the city alive until I was sure. Keeping him under my clawed, scaly thumb was just a good idea. Besides, Mak seemed to have adopted him now, or something, so I couldn’t really get rid of him without good reason.

And honestly, now that I was calm and safe again, I could admit that Mak was right. I wouldn’t kill him for no reason. I couldn’t. I could very easily see myself becoming the kind of person, or creature, that would kill out of spite or annoyance. When you don’t feel horror or guilt at taking a life, it’s easy. And because I could see myself becoming that, because it was so easy, I couldn’t allow myself to cross that line even once. I didn’t know where my line was, but I wouldn’t kill anyone out of convenience, I knew that now. If he was the one to cross the line in my direction, though… well, then all bets were off.

“How are you holding up, really?” Mak asked Ardek as she released him and picked up a long strip of cloth from somewhere on the ground, which she began to wrap around his knee. “I get that you’re scared. Anyone would be. Want to talk about it?”

Ardek lay silent on the ground for a long time as Mak tended to him, and I almost started walking again. “It’s a mess, isn’t it?” he said suddenly. “I didn’t even know that there were any dragons anymore. Then she comes tearing out from below with you in tow. I don’t know what she did to Berek when he went to check on that other guy, Ras or Rosh or whatever his name was, but she just smashed in through the door. By the time I understood what was happening I was on the floor, Ava’s blood was pouring off the table and there’s this… creature in the room with us, smashing Berek’s face into the floor until his head cracked.”

He propped himself up on his elbows and looked at Mak. “You have no reason to feel any sympathy for them, or for me. We all had a good idea about what they were doing to you two down there. We didn’t feel good about it. Ava couldn’t look at your sister when they brought her through. But we didn’t do anything about it. Ava and Berek… they weren’t nice people. I have closer friends. But I ran with them for years, and they were my mates, you know? And the dragon – Draka, I mean – she killed them easier than I’d swat a mosquito. I can barely believe that I’m still alive, so… I guess I keep expecting her to change her mind.”

“I can’t say I regret your friends’ deaths. I might have done it if Draka hadn’t. For that matter I might have killed you if she hadn’t wanted you alive.” She paused and tied the wrapping. “But I sympathise with your loss, for what it’s worth.”

I looked at Herald, who shrugged and gestured questioningly away from the camp. We took a walk with me leading her in the direction the scholars had gone. We talking about inconsequential things, until Herald asked, “So was your father like you?”

“How do you mean?”

“Could he turn into shadow, and everything?”

“I do not know, but I do not see how else he could get in and out of the lair. Judging by the size of his teeth he must have been five or six times the size I am now.”

“So how did he bring you food? You cannot carry anything when you turn into shadow, can you?”

“Perhaps he was more powerful than I am? Able to do more things? Or…” Something struck me. “Well, when I eat something, it stays with me when I shift.”

“I should hope so. It would get quite messy otherwise.”

“Funny. So, where is the limit? I feel rather foolish right now, but what if I just keep something inside my mouth and shift?”

“You could not carry anything large that way.” She considered me for a while. “Not yet, at least. But it is worth a try.”

With that in mind we continued talking, returning to the camp maybe half an hour later. Mak was showing Ardek how to properly sharpen a sword. If I’d been her I wouldn’t have wanted a weapon anywhere near his hands, but she was the one who could supposedly read people, and I had to trust her judgement.

“I can’t believe that you know this little about caring for your equipment,” she was saying. “You had a sword when we met you. I took it from you. It was a decent blade. Did no one show you how to maintain it?”

“Not really,” he said. “I bought it because it looked good. I don’t know how to use a damned sword! I’m a knife fighter.”

Mak scoffed. “Considering you’re alive and don’t have many scars you must either be a really good one, or you’ve never been in a knife fight in your life. And if you were any good you’d know how to care for a blade.”

“I mean –”

“We’re back,” I interrupted. “Did he give you any trouble?”

“None at all,” Mak replied. “Happy to help and eager to learn. Not so quick on the uptake, but we’ll get there.”

“Glad to hear it. How about you, Ardek? You doing alright?”

“Yes, boss,” he said, carefully pointing the sword in his hand away from me. “Mak’s been showing me how to care for gear properly.”

“Making yourself useful, huh?”

The nervous look he gave me made the most viscous parts of me very happy.

“Yeah,” he answered quickly. “I figured if I’m going to be part of this group I should pull my weight.”

I’d been about to say something like, ‘Great, there won’t be any room for freeloaders here,’ or something similarly ominous, but Mak cut in. “Draka, what’s the plan?” she said. “What are we doing now?”

Right. Plan. I couldn’t exactly tell them that I was winging it.

“First,” I told them. “We’re going to get you set up here so you can stay a few weeks at least. That means securing the place and the forest and hills surrounding the entrance. We might as well take the opportunity to get rid of the wolves and bears that have been sniffing around my territory.”

“So how long do you expect us to stay?” Mak pressed me.

“As long as it takes. Short term I need you to be safe. That means you’ll stay here until Tam and Val get back, unless the guard or the Wolves do something about the Night Blossom before then.”

“Not fucking likely,” Ardek muttered.

“What’s that?”

With my attention on him, Ardek shrank in on himself. “Oh. Sorry, boss. I didn’t mean–”

“No, go on. Why isn’t it likely?”

“Uh, well…” When I just waited patiently he rallied, and said. “That guard captain we met. He’s not the only one the Blossom is paying off, and probably not the highest ranking, either. They say she likes to throw her silver around, and, uh, probably some of the people on the council are in business with her. So don’t expect any help from the city. And they’ll probably block the mercs from doing anything, either.”

“Alright.” I nodded to him. I really should never doubt Herald, I thought. This guy is useful already. “In that case we’ll have to be even more careful not to be discovered, so we don’t make any inconvenient enemies. Oh, and talking of money – Mak, do you have the bag of loot?”

“Yeah, Draka. In my bag.”

“Get it out, would you?”

“Sure,” she said, and lifted out some clothes and a book before removing the large pouch with the valuables we’d taken from the Blossom’s estate.

“I’ve been meaning to split that with you,” I said, looking at Herald and Mak. “I’ll be taking my half with me when I leave. But first, Mak, would you get a Dragon out?”

She shrugged and put her hand in, digging out a gold coin by feel. She held it up, and to my disappointment it glinted a dark blue under the light of the balls. I really needed to teach Mak how to change the colour they gave off.

“Take it, Ardek,” I said, then, when he hesitated as if sensing a trap, “Come on, man. Are you going to insult me by refusing?”

That got him moving. He took a few slow steps over to where Mak was standing and took the coin, watching it as he flipped it in his hand.

“That’s yours,” I told him. “Consider it a signing bonus. The ladies here can both tell you that it’s been very lucrative for them, being my allies, and I intend for that to continue. If you stay loyal and survive, I can guarantee that you’ll make a lot more money than you’d ever make working for the Blossom. And once we get back in the city, if you have any trustworthy friends you can introduce them to Mak, and maybe we can extend the same offer to them.”

“Strangest two days of my life,” he whispered and pocketed the coin. “Thanks, boss. I know some people.”

“So,” Herald said. “Once Tam and Val are back, what then?”

“Then we get you back into the city. You should be safe enough, all four of you together.”

“Right. And then what?”

I felt my dragon rise inside me, demanding and proud. Whether she was her own person or we were just two sides of the same coin, that part was willing and eager. Eager to begin, to act, to shed blood and sow fear. But we were in agreement. We needed to gather information and allies, and so she could be patient. She was very good at being patient when necessary.

“Then?” I said. “Then we go to war.”