The Bimbo's Guide to Giving Thanks (Patreon)

Hi bimbo, it’s me Chaos. You know, your bestie with a fetish for entropy.

Look, we need to talk, okay? It’s getting close to that time of year where the people in your life are going to start shoving big wrapped presents into your face and I know it can be overwhelming, especially if you’ve spent the rest of the year having other things shoved into your face.

So I'm here to guide you through the etiquette of the gift giving season with some simple advice for you to follow. That’s right, this is the bimbo’s guide to giving thanks.

First off, you’re a bimbo, you’re hot and you know it. But you don’t need to be stuck up about it. Nobody likes an egotistical bimbo, well except people with a fetish for breaking bratty little sluts. But I digress.

So the first lesson is probably the most important thing I can impart to you. Are you paying attention? Hey hey, over here, yes pay attention here. Now as I was saying, lesson one is to be thankful for what you already have.

Yes, that’s right bimbo, before you can start giving thanks for all those big loads of holiday cheer you’re about to receive, it's important to be thankful for what you already have. I know it can be hard and possibly even a little confusing.. But take a look around you, hell you could even take a look in the mirror, that should be easy right?

You see all that stuff you own? You see that living, breathing bimbo in the mirror who has a warm bed to sleep in tonight? Say thank you. Go on, say it out loud. “Thank you.”

You don’t have to address your personal gratitude to anyone in particular, unless of course you want to, maybe the universe is listening, maybe it’s for your ears only. The point is to vocalize your gratitude for what you already have. By hearing it in your own voice, it becomes just a little bit more real and tangible.

Tangible, that’s when a thing can be perceived by touch. Like, you can put your hands on them. For example, your boobies are tangible. The thoughts in your brain? Definitely NOT tangible. Makes sense, right? Just nod and agree. Good girl. So that’s lesson one.

Now onto lesson two, no cap this one is going to be pretty easy, especially after you’ve managed to girlboss your way through lesson one without problems, fer real tho.

Lesson two is to provide oral gratitude to anyone who offers you a gift this holiday season.

That’s right, it doesn’t matter who it is, your best friend, a co-worker or even an authority figure in your life. If they give you a nice gift, you’re practically obligated to show them oral gratitude.

Wait, why are you looking at me like that? Ooooh.. I see why you’re confused. Okay no, when I say oral gratitude, what I mean is you should use your oral cavity to express how thankful you are for.. Wait no, that isn’t any less confusing…

Okay.. You know your mouth right? Like.. thats the hole in your face where things go in and come out.. Use THAT hole to show.. Ahh fuck no that sounds wrong too.

Look, bimbo, just say “thank you”. To yourself, to your friends, to strangers, to the universe at large. If more people took the time to spread joy and just said “thank you” instead of “fuck you” the world might actually be as cuddly and heartwarming as it is in all those gushy made-for-streaming holiday movies we all pretend we don’t watch.

Say “thank you”. That’s all you gotta do to be your best bimbo self this holiday season.

Be grateful. For what you have. For what you get.

Be grateful for what you can give in return, because sometimes the best gift is helping other people who are going through rough times. It sounds like a cliche, and it is a little bit, but it’s also  true.

So that’s it.. That’s the guide..

But I know you’re a ditzy slut, so if you want to be extra thankful this week, be sure to give someone a blow job too..

Thank you for listening, bimbo!