Turn Your Brain Off (in five easy steps!) (mp3) (Patreon)

Hello and welcome to Turn Your Brain Off (In 5 Easy Steps!)

Over the length of this recording you will learn the fundamental steps that you can take to improve your quality of life and future social interactions. It’s time to stop thinking and start enjoying, so sit back, relax, take a sip of your preferred beverage and continue listening to receive this amazing, life-changing, instruction.

Ready? Okay!

Step number one: Smile babe!

That’s right, it’s practically a cliché and yet somehow people just can’t seem to stop frowning. I know times might be tough and the news of the world is so big and scary, but that’s no reason to hide your beauty behind a bad case of resting bitch face!

Think about it, everyone is wearing a mean ole expression these days because they are angry and outraged all the time! Now what are they going to think when they see you looking fashionably happy, a perfect smile planted on a pretty face. I daresay they might be absolutely perplexed by your positivity. They’ll be amazed at your ability to stay so blissful in a world gone mad.. And that will lead them to one conclusion.. You are simply unaware!

Which leads me into…

Step number two: Stop paying attention!

The world news is not for you! It’s so dour and depressing, it’s enough to turn anyone into a big ole meanie-head. So stop paying attention to the outrage and clickbait headlines. The world is supposed to be paying attention to you, not the other way around. So show the world that you don’t have the head for politics and newsy stuff. I guarantee if you stop paying attention to politics and news for a full 30 days, without sneaking a peek even once, you’ll find your mood and motivation has drastically improved and your urge to pay attention will have completely vanished!

Step Three: Learn to rely on others!

Face it, you can’t do it on your own and that’s totally fine! Humans are social creatures, we rely on each other in every aspect of our existence. Just imagine how different and utterly difficult your life would be without the workers who make your food and hygiene products, the factory workers who assemble your phone and computer parts, You rely on the work of thousands of people literally every single day. No one is an island, especially not you.

So stop trying to act all tough and independent, allow yourself to show a little vulnerability and the people around you will feel the urge to take care of you to ensure that you keep smiling.

Step Four: Double D’s before Degrees

That’s right, it’s so simple, just like you. Sex sells and people love massive mommy milkers. So put your body before your brain in all situations, if you get fit and take care of your body, it won’t be long before someone in your life decides to help you perfect your appearance even further.. And wouldn’t that be just darling? So stop worrying about studying and start worrying about grab onto a stud willing to pay for your physical improvements!

And finally..

Step Five: Don’t be afraid to remind people how dumb you are!

Simple words like “Totes” and “Whatevs” can lend you an air of ditziness in conversation, but staying phrases like “I’m so stupid!” and “I’m such an airhead!” at random times can help alter people’s perceptions of you over time. The more you refer to yourself as a dumb, ditzy, bimbo… the more the people around you are going to start believing it. After all, perception is everything… and you don’t even know how to spell “perception” do you?

Even if you do, the answer is always no.. because spelling is hard, just like math… Get used to flaunting your dumbness and before long everyone will believe it… even you..

So that concludes our lesson for today. Listen often to remind yourself of these wonderful steps you can take to turn your brain off. Stop thinking and start enjoying today and every day to come!