Darling Public Radio - Episode 3 (Patreon)

Welcome darlings, to another episode of Darling Public Radio, a delightful morning broadcast from the swell setting of Pleasant County.. where absolutely nothing is ever amiss.. because that simply would not do! Join us this month for our first annual Christmas episode!

Transcript:

Good morning darling! It’s time to rise and shine with Pleasant county’s number one morning broadcast since 1955, Darling Public Radio, coming to you live in high fidelity stereo sound from the heart of snowy downtown Darling!

It’s that special festive time of year again, so let me start today’s broadcast by wishing you all a very Merry Christmas from Darling Public Radio, brought to you by Darling Industries. We hope you’ve all been extra good this year and haven’t found yourself on anyone’s naughty list!

I’m your hostess, Mrs. Emily Doll, feeling ever so swell on this crisp holiday morning! How are you, Darling? You must be ever so eager to gather with your family around the Christmas tree to celebrate this fabulous season of love and giving.

I’m sure you ladies are already slaving away in the kitchen, with gingerbread cookies on the cooling rack, delicious roasts in the oven and your husband’s morning coffee percolating away before he’s even out of bed!

A woman’s work is never done, but let's face it ladies.. We wouldn’t want it any other way!

Today’s weather is looking absolutely delightful for the holiday season. After receiving nearly 8 wonderful inches last night, of pure white snow that is, we awoke today to a simply gorgeous scene straight out of our favorite winter stories. The children should have no trouble building snowmen in the yard as mom and dad get ready to make merry indoors!

Today will be a cold one, but sunny, with a high of 30 degrees Fahrenheit, or approximately minus one degree Celsius for those using the communist temperature system.

Speaking of which, one simply has to wonder, do they know it’s Christmas in those other countries out there? We here in the heartland of America hear some simply dreadful tales about the lands outside of our green and pleasant shores, so if you’re an international listener via the interweb, please don’t hesitate to send us your holiday stories, either via facsimile machine, electronic mail or asking your local operator to connect you to the Pleasant county switchboard!

Now on to local news! The town of Darling is absolutely alight with festive events and bright sparkling decorations, in fact one of our town’s most recently arrived residents was spotted in the town square wearing an absolutely darling gown from Lucy Ann’s dress shop as she handed out plyers and coupons for the veteran dressmaker’s boutique. That's right. Darling, Miss Stephanie Kane had just completed her 60 hours of community service when out of nowhere she decided to stay on as an apprentice dressmaker!

Miss Kane, you might remember, initially went by the confusing and inappropriate name of Stevie when she first arrived in our town. That coupled with her shockingly tomboy-ish appearance left several locals in shock, not to mention violated several city ordinances!

Thankfully, justice was swift and the once rebellious delinquent is now shaping up to be a fine young lady. We have absolutely zero doubt that Miss Kane has become enthralled by our quaint little town and will be ever so happy to call it her home from now on!

For those last minute shoppers out there, we’ve learned that Mister Frank’s Hardware and General Store will be open until 4pm today and we hear they’ve just received a fresh shipment of ironing boards, so if any of you gentlemen listeners out there need a last minute gift for the little woman, don’t hesitate to stop in at Mr. Frank’s.

This week's specials include gift wrap, all rolls now 99 cents, Heavy Duty tape, two rolls for three dollars, High tensile rope, 200 feet for just $12.99 and ladies latex dishwashing gloves, buy two pairs and get one pair free!

Wow, what incredible bargains! I wouldn’t have a clue what to do with all that hardware, but I sure could use a few more pairs of dishwashing gloves.

Speaking of the fine gentlemen of Darling, our town’s acting mayor has finally announced a date for the upcoming special election! After the surprise resignation of Mayor Abigail Cunningham several months ago, the town’s mayoral seat has been left vacant while former town council member Barry Scott has stepped in to guide our town’s course.

This broadcast is pleased to report that an election date has been set for February 15th. Unfortunately, due to a mishap with one of those new-fangled paper shredders, all paper voter registrations have been lost for those living within the city limits. If you’d like to re-register the vote, the acting mayor has stipulated a few enhanced security measures to ensure that all votes are counted equally.

In order to register, you will need to arrive at city hall with photo ID, a birth certificate and proof of home ownership. These are, of course, all common sense measures to protect our lovely town from voter fraud.

A member of the public recently pointed out to the acting mayor that given the town’s antiquated guardianship laws, which require all property to be registered by men or in the name of a woman’s closest male relative, that this could possibly disenfranchise female voters. But acting mayor Scott has assured us that everything will be in order come election time and we have nothing to worry our pretty little heads about.

Besides, I think we can all take comfort in knowing that our fathers, husbands and brothers have our best interest at heart. So while the ladies of Darling might not be able to register to vote at this time, we can trust the men in our lives to make the best decision for us and I don’t know about you ladies, but I have enough important decisions to make already! Between dinner plans and household chores, I can’t be expected to make headache-inducing political decisions as well! No voting for me, I say, that’s best left to the boys!

Now onto more pleasant news! Our Jewish neighbors recently celebrated the end of Hanukkah here in Darling, Mrs. Sarah Cohen was spotted around town wearing an adorable ensemble that reflected the modest traditions of her faith. Her headscarf flowed gently in the breeze and her face was simply glowing with pride as she described how her husband had convinced her to more fully embrace and explore her people’s sacred traditions.

We’ve asked Mrs. Cohen to visit the studio to talk more about this wonderful transition in her life and we look forward to bringing you that interview in the new year, just as soon as she gets her husband’s permission, of course!

Finally, Darling’s own Joanna Evergreen has published a new book just in time for the holidays, her new work, entitled “A Complete Guide for the Modern Housewife” has arrived at local booksellers and will soon be available via your favorite internet retailers.

This book contains over 400 pages of advice, good habits and time-saving tips that you can adopt into your own life, to become a better woman and a better housewife. So make sure to keep an eye out for ‘A Complete Guide for the Modern Housewife’ available now.

We’ve got copies here at the station and let me tell you ladies, you need this book. Not since the release of Mrs. Beeton’s book of Household Management in 1861 has a tome so comprehensively educational been available to us womenfolk. Because not only are the instructions simple and easy to understand, but the pictures and illustrations make it oh so easy for even someone like me to follow along!

We should all say a big thank you to Evergreen publishing, the company owned by Joanna’s husband, for allowing us all the opportunity to enjoy this fine new work.

Well that's all for this edition of Darling Public Radio, a very big thank you to the fine men at Darling Industries for sponsoring our broadcast. Darling Industries, building better communities, one family at a time!

We would also like to thank the Darling town council for guiding us all through these uncertain times, acting mayor Barry Scott for his firm commitment toward securing our future and finally all of you listeners out there for your continued listenership.

May the holidays bring you everything that you deserve and we look forward to seeing you again in the new year with another edition of Darling Public Radio. I’m Mrs. Emily Doll, signing off.

Happy Holidays and a blessed new year!