Darling Public Radio - Episode 2 (Patreon)

Good Morning, Darling!

This is the second episode of my new monthly stepford-themed audio narrative. If you enjoy community mind control and pleasant 1950s vibes with a dash of mystery, you will love what I have planned for this series. Listen and enjoy! Check back for episode three around Christmas time!

If you haven't yet listened to Episode 1, you can find it at: https://www.patreon.com/posts/darling-public-1-56787285

Enjoy!

Transcript:

Good morning, Darling! It’s time to rise and shine with Darling Public Radio, Pleasant county’s number one morning broadcast since 1955! Coming to you once again via AM radio and live on the interwebs in glorious high-fidelity stereo sound thanks to the modern convenience of the long lasting tubes and transistors manufactured right here in our green and pleasant paradise.

This broadcast is of course sponsored by the fine men at Darling Industries, our town’s largest employer and the beating heart of Pleasant county. That’s right, Darling Industries, building better communities one family at a time!

I’m your hostess, Mrs. Emily Doll and if you’re new to Darling Public Radio I would like to once again welcome you to our swell little program, during this broadcast you can learn about the comings and goings of prominent Darling community members, hear about the latest news from around Pleasant country and maybe even come to understand the traditions of our small community. So go on, sit back, relax and listen regularly. You’ll feel like a Darling resident before you even realize!

This morning’s top story is of course, Thanksgiving! That’s right ladies, it’s nearly turkey time here in the grand ole U.S. of A. and if you haven’t already started planning out a fabulous Thanksgiving feast for your family, you simply have no time to waste! So get a bird in that oven and put some stuffing on that stovetop, because it’s time to do your duty during this most domestic of holidays.

If you’re an international listener, never fear! Due to America’s absolutely relentless ability to export it’s swell conveniences around the world, you can enjoy this fine American tradition in your household as well! So listen closely and soon you’ll find you can make any home an American home with just a few simple items on the dinner table.

Turkey is essential, of course. If you can’t find a full sized bird in your location, don’t hesitate to buy a conveniently prepared roast at your local butcher’s shop. Every happy housewife should be on a first name basis with her local supplier of highest quality meats!

Potatoes make everyone happy, especially our friends in the emerald isles and the ole soviet bloc, so if you’re hankering for a sizzling spud, don’t be afraid to fry ‘em, mash ‘em or distill them into a fine grain alcohol if you’re feeling particularly adventurous.. If you’re simply stumped, just ask your nearest Sean, Mary or Ivan for their favorite preparation!

Green bean casserole is another traditional favorite and I hear there are many mighty fine recipes just a short interweb search away, so if you haven’t yet experienced this healthy and delicious treat, there is no better time than thanksgiving!

One more must-have for your festive feast is cranberry sauce! This tantalizing tart treat is a mainstay on thanksgiving tables around the free world, because absolutely nothing says thanksgiving like serving your family highly processed and gelatinized cranberries in the shape of a can! It’s as American as… well.. Everything..

Finally, Darling.. Just remember, if you can’t provide a complete table spread, at the very least a full breast will keep your husband happy, so don’t be afraid to do your best with what you have on hand!

According to the Pleasant County weather service, this morning you can expect clear skies and a light breeze, absolutely perfect weather for hanging out that fresh load of laundry right after you’ve finished preparing breakfast, packing a lunch and seeing your better half off to work!

Sunny skies and a high of 72 Fahrenheit , or 22 degrees Celsius for the unamericans out there, will persist throughout the… wait a minute.. Didn’t I read this yester..

Oh silly me! That’s right Darling, you can expect another mild and sunny day here in our swell little town, everything here is so perfect and pleasant.. I can’t imagine a day without sunshine and fluffy white clouds gleaming like the white picket fences around our homes.. Everything here is just as wonderful as can be.

Now on to local news..

An out-of-town young woman who was recently arrested while passing through main street Darling has appeared before local judge Herman Davis early this morning, it has been determined that the immodestly dressed young woman, captured on CCTV footage wearing denim jeans and a man’s Tee shirt, is indeed guilty of unlawful corruption of the community..

Her unnatural mode of dress would be a clear sign of guilt to anyone! But it’s an offense soon to be rectified, thankfully, as Judge Davis, in his benevolent wisdom, has offered the 21 year old woman a reprieve from jail time by sentencing her to 60 hours community service with any local Darling business willing to take her on. The young woman, who goes by the very uncouth name of Stevie L Kane was reluctant to accept the punishment at first, but when offered details regarding the jail-time alternative, she quickly changed her tune.

Several local businesses have indeed offered to take on Miss Kane for her required community service and everyone in town is abuzz, wondering what sort of position she’ll find herself in. I know I, for one, am looking forward to seeing a properly attired Miss Kane out and about in our fabulous downtown square.

Next up this morning, former librarians of the Atwood public library have now joined as administrative assistants at the newly expanded Darling First Community Church, the former librarians released this joint statement this morning.

“We thank the community for allowing us this opportunity to serve in new ways, we look forward to our continued contributions to the community under the firm guidance of Pastor Fred Jacobs.”

Congratulations to those ladies, they sure sound so much happier now that they’ve figured out where they belong. While there are still some residents on the outskirts of town who might miss the old Atwood library, Pastor Jacobs has assured this broadcast that all former library card holders are welcome to explore the expansive collection of books at the Darling First Community Church, where there are now over 100 different books available on topics ranging from cooking and household etiquette, to tomes on family values and traditional marriage.. Really, every topic a girl can think of!

Finally, on to community announcements…

It appears we only have one announcement this morning.. And it’s simply fascinating!

The town of Darling welcomes two new residents this morning, one Mister Adam Cohen and his wife Sarah. They’ve recently arrived from New York City where Mister Cohen previously served as CEO of a company that was recently acquired by Darling Industries, while his lovely wife Sarah was.. Oh my..  Recently retired from stand-up comedy to pursue a path of traditional Jewish motherhood.

Mrs. Cohen has been quoted as saying “I tried so hard to be funny, but then I woke up and I realized I'm just a girl..”

Simply wonderful, is this that new ‘going woke’ that all the kids are talking about? It sounds delightful!

Either way, this broadcast wishes the best of luck to the Cohen family! It’s so lovely to see our thriving community expand in such diverse and interesting ways, so please join us here at Darling Public Radio in welcoming our newest residents to the town of Darling. We can’t wait to meet you!

That's all from me in this episode, I hope everyone has a splendid day and I look forward to delivering another morning broadcast soon. Remember Darling, every day is a pleasant day, thanks to Darling Industries.