Detective Charmy, Prank Files - 01 - Playground Brawl (Patreon)

File No.1

I was sitting there, at my desk, provided to me by my boss-man, Vector the Croc-Butt and Mr. Boring himself, Espio McHornface. 

Vector and Espio tell me all the time not to pretend that I’m in charge while they’re gone but I say screw that, I’m awesome. I’ll do what I want. Right now I’m wearing blue jeans, a brown coat, and have a nice little detective cap on my head. 

I’m dressed for success because there’s people who need me!

At that point in time, the bell above the door made a ding-a-ling sound and in wandered a dame with a cute and scared look on her face. 

She was a little cat girl and she looks confused and scared. She also seems to be about Cream’s age. Which is actually the same age I am so I guess that’s a weird distinction to make but whatever. Clearly, I was needed!

I had to play it cool though.

I put my hands behind my head and kicked my feet up, chomping on my pipe and blowing into it. It’s a fake pipe so bubbles flew out of it… but it makes me look cool so I don’t care. Besides, blowing smoke into my lungs sounds like something a dumb adult would do. 

“Welcome to my office… what is your emergency young lady?” I tilt my hat up so that she can get a better glance at my face. The seat I was borrowing from Vector’s desk didn’t fit me at all. Vector was huge and I wasn’t. However, I can cheat because I can fly. Hovering to make it look like I’m sitting in the chair with my feet on the desk is like, the easiest thing in the world to do.

Plus, where she walked in, there’s no way she could tell from where she’s standing. The desk is too high. I’m a genius.

“Uhm…” The little girl looked even more confused when she spotted me. There was nothing to fear. I was here to help. “Hello… are the detectives in today?”

I gasped in surprise at that. Was she blind?!

“I’M a detective young missy.” I kick my feet off the desk, jump, spin in mid-air, and land on my feet like a graceful ballet dancer before this girl in need.

Only not as girly. Ballet is girly and I’m a cool dude. Not girly.

“You are?” She asked with her eyes widening, no doubt because she was becoming impressed by my presence and feeling silly by the momentary doubt she had just then. “Oh well, I need your help Mr. Detective. My name is Sandy and there’s a mean kid in the playground who stole my teddy and won’t tell me where he hid it. I was wondering if you could detect where it is for me.”

I smirked and tilted my hat up. “Now that won’t do. Don’t worry little lady, Detective Charmy is on the case. Not only will I find your teddy but I’ll demolish the guy who stole him. For you see, I’m not just a detective. I’m also… the master of pranks!”

--

The ride over to the park was a solemn one indeed. That’s a word that means ‘sad’ I think. Either way, we’re on our way over and in my line of sight, I spot the clear objective. He’s gotta be the meanie meanie poop head in the black shirt, pouring sand down the pants of some boy.

When he was done doing that, the boy he did that too ran off screaming about how he hated sand because it was coarse, rough, irritating, and it got everywhere. He then turned to face me.

“Whoa… who are you? Never seen you at the park before.” The boy said, grinning and showing off the silver tooth in his mouth. Did this kid eat a bunch of candy and have to get that tooth replaced or did someone get fed up with him and punch it out?

I certainly didn’t care.

“Hey!” I stomped my foot down to show him what’s what. Hopefully that intimidated him. He just stared back at me, looking unimpressed so… maybe not. “What’s your name kid?”

“Kid? You look like you’re the same age as me.” The boy said back. He was a young mink and he didn’t seem like he was very appreciative of my tone. Well too bad. I wasn’t going to stand for bullying.

“I asked you your name.” I said again, clenching my teeth and crossing my arms. Little Sandy stayed hidden behind me.

The boy blinked and then chuckled. “Name’s Gargon. Hello there… and you?”

“Charmy Bee.” I answered.

Oh yeah! I’m awesome!

“Hahaha! What a dumb name!” Gargon said immediately.

I blushed.

I-Is my name dumb? Why would my name be dumb? 

I shook my head and stared back at him, trying to keep focus. “Whatever. You took this little girl’s teddy. I want you to give it back.”

“Give it back? Pfft. NO WAY!” Gargon giggled and stuck his tongue out at me. I almost snapped at him for that. Blowing spit at a detective was probably against the law or something! It had to be!

“Okay!” I was ready to do this. “If you don’t comply with me then I’m just gonna have to get it back by force.” I begin to step forward, looking around as I do it. I notice that a crowd was gathering. A bunch of children who were no doubt about to get the show of their lives were here to observe my awesomeness.

“Sure.” Gargon grinned, wiggling his fingers as he and I began to circle each other. “I’ll fight you off.”

“You want a fight? Sure, we can fight. I prefer battles of intelligence and trickery though.” I had to lay that out there, just in case he wanted to be civil about this. After all, I go on adventures with Vector and Espio all the time. I’ve fought through war zones and seen things this guy could only imagine. He probably played pretend and imagined the kind of stuff I’ve actually seen and fought against! HA!

“Did that kid say he was Charmy Bee?” One boy off to the side spoke up.

“He did! I’ve heard of him before. That prankster…?” Another kid stated.

“Oh! The kid who’s at that detective agency nearby…!” Yet another one spoke up.

The murmuring among the kids picked up and Gargon started to look more and more nervous as the kids began to speak about me. I smiled, recognizing that he was realizing what a mistake he was making. These guys had heard of me and for good reason. I was great at what I did and he was about to learn just how much!

Gargon gulped and clenched his fists. “So… you’re a prankster eh? And a detective? Okay then… you can handle yourself then. That means I don’t have to go easy on you!”

Gargon shot forward and went for a punch at my face! Bad move!

I caught his fist easily and swung my knee up into his gut! 

“HOOOF!” Gargon’s eyes crossed and he doubled over, looking like he had just gotten hit by a truck! That look on his face was super funny. I then grabbed his arm and flung him over my head before slamming him onto the ground! “GAAAUGH!”

“Come on! What happened to that bravado from earlier man?” I winked.

Gargon gasped and grabbed at my leg, yanking on it and tripping me up. I was suddenly finding myself slipping on the dirt and landing on my butt!

“Haha! You fell on your booty!” Gargon grinned, flinging himself up and landing his own butt on my tummy.

“OOOF!” That hurt. I have to pay better attention…!

“Now then… take this!” Gargon smiled and slapped me across my face. Spit flew from my mouth and I felt my eyes wobble and bobble about in my skull. That REALLY hurt. He may not be experienced but he had a rough body. Gonna have to end this fast then.

“WAAAAGH!” I shout in his face and thrust upward, sending Gargon off my body. I see his arm flailing to try and grab onto me but he manages only to grab at the front of my pants. He still hit the ground on his face though.

“Ahahahaha! Loser!” I laugh and point down at him. The other kids around me began laughing and pointing too… but they were laughing and pointing at ME!

ME?! Why ME?!

I was so confused.

I looked around and tried to find out by the looks on their faces what their deal could possibly be before I looked down. 

“EEEP!” I shrieked.

Turns out my fly was down. 

Gargon had grabbed the front of my pants, or more specifically, my zipper. When he hit the ground, my zipper came down too. Worse still was that he was still holding onto it!

“HEY! Let go of my zipper!” I shout, raising my foot above his head. 

Bad move.

Gargon suddenly flung his head up and rammed the top of his head right into my crotch…

… Here’s where I’ve gotta stop and say… the pain I experienced here was on another level. 

I had been on so many adventures up to this point… but I had never felt anything as excruciating and as awful as I did right there!

His head was so hard and my billiards were so soft and sensitive… 

The face I made was HUMILIATING!

I was tearing up! My eyes were crossing! My teeth clenched! I was blushing again!

Even worse, he was STILL holding onto my zipper! The force of the headbutt to my junk made me shoot upward while he was still holding my zipper! That made it stay in the same place and it broke!

My zipper broke!

I FLEW OUT OF MY PANTS!

WHAM! I landed on my head with my butt and my stinger in the air. I was out of breath too. That one hit knocked the wind out of my sails.

I swear I suddenly needed to go to the potty too…!

“AHAHAHAHA! Look at his undies!” I heard laughter from Gargon as he stood up and laughed at me. 

I was exposed in front of everyone in my X-Men Wolverine briefs. 

He held my pants in his hands and waved them about with a grin. “Soooo… still wanna fight?”

His voice rang in my ears. I wanted to scream at him but all that came out was a high pitched. “AAAAIEEEEEEEE!”

I reached up and grabbed my junk, rolling around on the dirt as people laughed at me. I could see Sandy out the corner of my teary eyes and she looked embarrassed FOR me. 

This dude was going DOWN!

I stood up and wobbled with my knees knocked against each other. “You… are DEAD!”

I charged at him and went for a swift punch. He dodged it. He went for a kick. I dodged that!

This went on for a good while. We each attacked and failed to land our hits. When we did land a hit, the other would too. 

Our battle kept going and I eventually found myself backing him toward a discarded jump rope on the ground. Gargon saw it and grinned. Suddenly, he kicked up sand in my face!

“AAAAAAH! SAND IN MY EYES!” I screamed and rubbed my face. This jerk was being so cheap!

Suddenly, air shot from my tummy as he landed an elbow to my gut! 

My eyes got big and I gasped. My tongue flopped out and drool was flying everywhere!

I swear, I think I peed a little…

I didn’t have time to worry about that though! The jump rope on the ground was grabbed and he flung it around my neck before tightening it!

“AGAH! GAAAUGH!” I was screaming and choking now! I flailed my arms about as Gargon tightened the rope around my neck ever more. I was struggling so much!

Eventually, I got an idea! Instead of grabbing at my neck, I grabbed at my shirt and flung it up! It covered Gargon’s face as well as mine and made him confused.

I kicked back at him and hit his shin before we broke free and I hit the ground, twitching in pain with my shirt off. I was officially in just my underoos now.

“OWWW! Darnit!” Gargon snapped.

“Aha… ahaha! How’s that you jer-!” I began right before Gargon shot over to me and kicked me in my butt! “EEEEEEEK!” I screamed and flew across the air before I slammed into a tree!

WEEEE~! Stars EXPLODED in my eyes man! I felt so… silly… 

I felt so goofy and weird…! 

I was smiling even though it hurt. It hurt a lot but I was thinking only of gumdrops and happy, singing little birdies. I felt so good… my bladder relaxed itself a bit and I… well… I peed … like just a little bit though. Enough to make a wet spot the size of a baseball on my undies.

I fell on my back, my eyes rolling, and me… babbling something about happy, cuckoos in the air.

Cuckoo~! Cuckoo~!

That’s all I heard…

Suddenly… I felt myself standing up…

I still remember what I was thinking at the time…

It’s so hazy… I’m seeing Gargon but there’s like… five of him spinning around in my line of sight. So weeeeird… so… calming… I feel soooo goooood…

“You still with me? You look like you’re about to sing and dance in a field of flowers.” Gargon grinned. “That kick to the butt that slammed you into the tree must have scrambled your brain.”

Brain scramble? Is that what was happening to me? I feel like such a dumb dumb. I’m a wittle drooling, cuckoo idiot… duuuuhhh…

I kept swaying about, trying hard to stay standing… but I wanted to sleep. I wanted to lay my head on my pillow, curl up into a ball, drool, and snore… 

“It was such a huge target too. You’ve got such a big butt.” Gargon teased.

B-Big Butt…? Dummy head! My butt… my booty is not… not big…! Duuurrr…?

“Hey… if you can hear me then nod…” Gargon said.

I nodded my head up and down. I could hear him. It was garbled but I could.

“Good… fighting doesn’t seem to be your thing but you’re a prankster right? Well then… let’s settle this with a prank battle! Winner gets to claim the title of ultimate prankster!” Gargon smirked, shaking me a bit.

My eyes fluttered and I felt myself come back to reality a bit. I was more aware of things now… I could give him a good answer.

“Pffft~! I’ma da bestest pwankster evar…! I’ll beated you at it easy! What’s da chaweenge?”

Well, I tried to give him a good answer at least.

He understood what I meant though.

“The challenge? Hmm… okay. How about for the first test we prank two people and video tape the results. We’ll have the same targets. That way we can see how each of us handles pranks on the same people. Then for the third and final prank… we try to prank each other and video tape that! Sound cool?” Gargon asked.

How could I resist?

“Sure! You’re on!” I smirked.

“Ha! Cool.” Sargon smiled then slapped me across my face.

I spun like a ballerina, seeing stars float around my head…

Then I laughed and shook my booty around for the crowd, giving them a nice, cross-eyed, butt dance while shaking my fists up and down…

Then I passed out. Last thing I heard was more laughter… just a tornado of laughter…

Well… I guess they enjoyed my embarrassing derpy dance at least…

When I woke up, I had to worry about which pair of suckers I was gonna prank though… Hmm…

--

It’s Charmy’s story and it’s been a long time coming. He’s the one telling it for a change and his manner of speech is going to lead to a lot of embellishment, most likely. The prank battle to end all prank battles begins and ends with you though. Who are Charmy and Gargon’s targets?