Vanilla Velvet Audio Script: Your Yandere Mad Scientist Wife is in Trouble! (Patreon)

Another sequel to an original script! Finally, the follow-up to last summer's Your Yandere Mad Scientist Wife Duplicated Herself.

The ending of that audio was intended to be left open forever. After all, an open ending left the thrust of the audio's major conflict in the listener's hands, allowing them to imagine any future they wanted for the characters. Obviously, with a sequel, that can no longer be the case.

But, a sequel has been highly requested. As a result, I let the idea sit in my brain awhile until it coalesced into something that I (hope) will be satisfying. (Me, trying to have my cake and eat it too?! Never!)

Originally, I planned to make this much darker; one of the duplicates would have been forced to reintegrate against her will, raising all those fun sticky ethical questions about free will and personhood and so on that you find in sci-fi like this. (The timid duplicate was earmarked for that, because it would have been the most meaningful, even as it would have been the most upsetting.)

While I love that as a writer, frankly I think the end result would have flopped. Hard. To the point that it would destroy some of the good will the first audio in the series built! I don't exactly want to jerk people around, and part of this job--any writing job, really--is knowing how and when to write to market.

So a deliciously cruel plot point like that will have to wait until either another audio, or if enough people are foolish enough to want (thundercrack) another sequel! >:3

And now...

Your Yandere Mad Scientist Wife is in Trouble!

Please pardon my rampant abuse of italics, ellipses, tildes and em dashes. It's late and I'm lazy! I'm sure I'll erase half of them tomorrow; they're really only to remind myself where to put emphasis during recording.

THE ELEVATOR PITCH/HOOK

For the Listener: After your yandere mad scientist wife split herself, you’ve settled into having five loving duplicates around the house. It's just a trial period, but it should be going great! So...why isn’t it?

CHARACTER NOTES:

THE DUPLICATES

YELLOW: Shy, timid, self-deprecating and a bit dimwitted; somewhere between dandere and bakadere. Calls the Listener "Darling"; in-universe nickname: "Creampuff.”

PURPLE: Sultry, seductive, lustily obsessed with the Listener; 90% femme fatale, 10% high school mean girl. Teasedere/Erodere-lite. Calls the Listener "Lover"; nickname: "Sex Kitten."

RED: Quick to anger, impatient, dismissive, violent; a tsundere. Calls the Listener "Babe"; nickname: "Stabby"

PINK: Cheerful, giggly, affectionate, a bit ditsy/distractable; somewhere between a deredere and bakadere. Calls the Listener "Honey"; nickname "Giggles.”

BLUE: Flat, sarcastic, blunt, logical, preoccupied with more important matters than feelings and social graces; a kuudere. Calls the Listener "Sweetheart"; nickname "Little Miss Logic."

MINOR CHARACTERS:

These two get few lines.

CAPTIVE: A male test subject that Blue has brought to the the lab and intends to experiment on.

WIFE PRIME: The sum total of the other five parts. A whole human being. Calls the Listener “Love.”

FINALLY, A WORD OF WARNING:

The characters in this are becoming unstable and losing control of their respective natures without the steadying influences of the other personality elements. Red almost hits the Listener; Purple throws herself at the Listener and tries (unsuccessfully) to seduce them; Blue is callous, bordering on cruel. It's messy, but it all works out in the end.

*

SETTING: Interior, a bedroom inside a suburban house, morning; the Listener is asleep

[YELLOW enters, carrying a breakfast tray, humming to herself]

[Breakfast tray placed on a table; silverware clatter]

[A window opens]

[Nature/birdsong ambiance begins and plays throughout the scene]

[An alarm clock begins to ring, but Yellow silences it almost immediately]

YELLOW: Oop! Right on time!

...

Darling?

[Sheets rustle; the Listener stirs]

Darling? (shy giggle) Good morning, sleepyhead. It’s time to get up.

[She sits on the bed; more sheets rustling]

I brought you breakfast! (a peck on the cheek) I let you snooze until the last possible moment, but I didn’t want it to get cold. I made your favorite!

…

Aw, no. It’s no trouble at all. I was up anyway. I guess I’m the early bird. Yum yummy, worms! (giggle)

...

[Plates moving/silverware]

I’m starting to think it’s a curse, you know? I can’t seem to sleep more than four hours at a time. I’ve been up every morning this week at the crack of dawn! Don’t worry, though, I’ve been keeping busy. A little too busy, maybe!

I thought I’d have so much to do around the house after the Split that I’d never get it all done, but just a couple weeks without any other responsibilities and the place is already spick-and-span!

I mowed the lawn, organized the closets; I even tidied up the attic! The chest freezer is all full, too! Plenty of dinners and lunches all nice and ready to go. I’ve got a roast in the slow cooker now, as a matter of fact!

[Liquid pouring]

(thoughtful) It is a little odd, of course. I remember a time when my brain was all facts and figures and curiosity! Buzz, buzz, buzz, a million thoughts, busy like a bee! Now my most pressing concern is getting ring around the collar out. Don’t get me wrong, spot treating laundry is meditative and kind of nice, but it’s not the same.

…

No, no! I don’t mind, exactly. I remember before the Split I always wished I had more time to do things around the house, and I’m glad to finally have it! It’s just I ran out of those things awfully quick. And not having anything else to do is, I don’t know, empty? I guess? It’s not bad, or good, it’s just sort of...there. I used to have too many things to do, and now there are too few.

I keep almost thinking of all the things I used to be passionate about, but the thought fizzles and disappears. And I’m too timid to go after it! It’s weirdly frustrating.

[A spoon stirring, clinking against a cup]

(shyly, self deprecating) And I know I’ve also become a bit dull to be around. I realize you still love me, but I’m hardly the most stimulating conversationalist! Especially since I barely have the nerve to speak up at the dinner table. I don’t mean to lapse into silence, it’s just what keeps happening!

And without the others I’m much too shy to…

(Embarrassed) Well, you know. Maybe I’m not a cold fish, but I’m definitely the chilliest in this house.

…

(timid giggle) Yeah, you’re right, the smutty one is definitely is the spicy tuna.

...

You’re sweet to say I’m indispensable, Darling. But I can’t help but think that all I’ve done is housework since the Split and you could get that from a maid! Or a robot! (thoughtful) Maybe even a robot maid. With… gears? And… and a… spatula…?

…

There, you see? I almost had a science thought and now it’s gone. Like someone plucked it right out of my head. (sigh)

…

(distracted) Hm? What was I talking about?

...

(Trying to dismiss her own dissatisfaction) Oh, never mind me. I guess this is that house-spouse ennui people sometimes get! I just reorganized our library. Maybe I’ll read a book or twelve—

[The cup crashes to the floor and shatters]

Oh, no! Your coffee! And the fine china, too! Oh, darling, I’m so sorry. I don’t know how I could be so clumsy! That has been happening more and more often lately! (sigh, angry with herself) I thought for sure I had a good handle on it; it’s like my fingers just gave up!

I’ll go get something to clean this up. You don’t worry about a thing.  I mean, if that’s okay with you? It’s your day off and I know you planned to spend some quality time with all of us.

…

Okay, you finish your breakfast. I hope you like it!

[Footsteps leading away]

[Door closes]

[TIME SKIP]

[Interior, a bathroom; Listener turns on the shower and disrobes; clothing sounds]

[The door opens with a slow creak and shuts with an ominous click]

PURPLE: Hello, Lover. (seductive chuckle)

(insincere, she’s not sorry at all) So sorry to ambush you at your most vulnerable. Mind if I join you? I’m feeling awfully dirty. I think I could stand to get wet. You could scrub my back…? And anywhere else you think needs your tender loving care and attention?

...

(pouting) Aw, I know. You said we should limit our trysts to just once or twice a day. (offhanded) We all need affection, you have things to do, you’re “only human”, all that jazz.

But it’s been hours.

(seductive again) If you don’t have your wicked way with me soon, I might go mad.

...

(slight irritation, but still trying to be sexy) I’ve tried to control myself, Lover. I really have. I’ve read a mountain of romance novels to scratch that itch, taken so many cold showers; hell, I’ve even thought about baseball.

(casual) Counterproductive, by the way. All that (really lascivious, laying it on super thick) thick, hard wood and those perfect, big, round…

(chuckle)

(Coy, flirtatious) Well, you get the idea.

…

(slightly offended) Needy? I’m not needy. I mean, I have needs, but…

Oh, alright. You’re right. I am.

(pouty, desperate) I need you. All the time. Nothing can satisfy like you can, Lover. Nothing can even compare. I can’t think about anything else; and I really have made an effort. Cross my heart and hope to die.

...

Is it because of the others?

(beat)

So who is it, hm? That brainless, giggling hussy?

(rising irritation) Or is it the Creampuff? That sniveling little pipsqueak?

(aside, to herself) No, it couldn’t be her…she’s too much of a mouse. And Little Miss Logic cares more about her Petri dishes than intimate matters.

Don’t tell me it’s Stabby? Hmph! Need I remind you, last time you tried anything of a delicate nature with her, she nearly broke three ribs? Yours!

...

(haughty, a bit offended) I’m not jealous. Why would I be? I’m raw sexual energy personified! I’m just frustrated.

(grumble) You would be too, if you were me.

…

“Get a hobby”? This is my hobby! You don’t see me baking cookies or poking test subjects, do you? This is whatI am. It’s all I am.

(sighing, resigned) You sure I can’t tempt you, Lover?

…

Of course I still love you. I wouldn’t want to...ahem...if I didn’t.

(beat)

Don’t worry, I’ll nurse the rejection and get over it.

But pencil me in sometime soon, hm? Before I really start coming unglued.

[She leaves, closing the door behind her]

[TIME SKIP]

[Interior, the garage, RED works out with a punching bag, beating it to pieces; PINK watches her with interest while sharpening her knives]

RED: (heavy breathing, grunting) God!

[punch]

RED: Damn!

[punch]

RED: It!

[punch]

PINK: If you keep hitting the punching bag that hard, you’re going to break it, you know. (giggle)

RED: If I can break it, it deserves (grunt) to be broken!

PINK: (noticing the Listener) Oh, hi, honey!

[knife sound]

PINK: Don’t mind me, just sharpening my knives!

…

RED: (irritable) Hey, babe! (grunting, punching) If you want us out of the garage, you’ll have to wait until I’ve worked off—some—of this—aggression!

[The punching stops]

(Red panting, trying to catch her breath)

RED: (angrily) No, I’m fine. I’ve had a fantastic day!

PINK: (giggle, cheerful) Yep! We made a presentation to one of the major Mad Science grant boards this morning!

RED: And aside from a little “misunderstanding” with security trying to escort us off the premises and a couple of black eyes, it went great!

PINK: We’ll be swimming in money any day now! (gleefully sadistic) Shockstrop basically had a stroke!

[Punch]

RED: Fuck!

…

RED: Yeah. I know, I know it’s good news. I know I usually only do this to blow off steam but—today I feel like I’m nothing but steam!

PINK: It’s what you get for being a hothead. (giggle)

RED: Shut up! And stop that fucking giggling, it’s driving me nuts! Giggle, giggle, giggle, all day long!

PINK: At least I’m having fun, unlike some other people.

RED: Yeah, well, that’s your only setting. (beat) We saw a dead cat on the side of the road on the way home, and she couldn’t stop giggling her stupid bubble head off about it!

PINK: Well, I didn’t exactly want to! (giggle) It just sort of...happened!

(slightly troubled) Usually that sort of thing makes me teary, but (perky again!) lately it just strikes me as funny. Squish! It’s just such a great sound! And a great word too! Squish squish squish, hee hee hee hee!

RED: Ugh.

[Punch, punch]

RED: (frustrated) Damn it! I’ve been working out all afternoon and I still feel like a rat in a cage.

[halfhearted punch]

It doesn’t make sense!

(puzzled, irritated) I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I gotta get my head straight. Feels like I’m coming apart at the seams. It’s like… damn it, I used to know how to explain this, but I can’t anymore! It’s like when you overfill a balloon, and… something bad happens? GAH!

PINK: Tsk. Quoting cartoon science fiction? How far you’ve fallen.

RED: Oh, stuff it, Giggles. (grumbling) I’m trying, okay?

…

[Paper crinkling]

RED: What, that?

[Red opens a water bottle]

It’s my workout record for the last couple weeks. What about it?

…

Well, sure, I’ve ratcheted up the intensity on everything a little, but you gotta if you want to see any gains.

…

Too much?

(raising anger) There’s no such fuckin’ thing! Besides, I’ll go crazy if I can’t work off some of this—

PINK: (singsong, playful) Calm doooown~

RED: I am calm! This is me calm!

…

RED: No! I don’t need a hug. I don’t need anything! Get the fuck away from me, and don’t you dare try to tell me what to do! Or so help me, I’ll—

PINK: Hey!

(Red stops dead, fist raised, ready to punch the Listener, and realizes what she was about to do)

RED: Shit. Shit! Babe, I almost—I mean, I wanted to hit you?! Oh, man. I gotta get outta here.

I’m—I’m going for a jog. Maybe dunk myself head first in the nearest lake or something. I gotta cool off before I do something I’ll regret.

[Retreating footsteps]

PINK: I guess I’ll go, ah… (giggle) make sure she doesn’t kill anyone in a fit of rage!

(beat)

Or, if worse comes to worse, help dispose of the body.

...

Oh! Huh. You’re right! I didn’t defend you, did I? And with a knife in my hand and everything! That is a bit weird, isn’t it? Normally I’d just jump right in and dispose of any threat, wouldn’t I? Hm. Wonder what it means!

…

Hm? Oh! Right, I was going to go after her. We’ll be home in time for dinner, Honey! (giggle) I think!

[Retreating footsteps]

[Listener leaves the garage, shutting the door behind them. PURPLE is waiting on the other side of the door, breathless]

PURPLE: Lover, I can’t wait anymore. I just need to—

[A passionate kiss; Listener leans into it for a moment, but gently pulls away; Purple makes a disappointed sound]

(Desperate, she’s really coming apart) Don’t just peel me off you, Lover. Can’t I just hold you a minute? Please? I promise not to behave myself, not take any liberties...

...

(mischievous, but apologetic) You’re right, I’d definitely try.

(beat)

(growing frustration) But isn’t this what everyone wants? An insatiable wife, one who can never get enough of you? One who’s always in the mood, no matter what? Well, here I am! Every hormone addled sex maniac’s dream come true! A living, breathing fembot, built for pleasure and nothing else.

...

I know, I know you need time to yourself; intellectually, I know! Or...I should! I used to! But I can’t stand it. I feel like I’m going insane! Don’t you understand? This is all I have. Nothing else will sit in my head for more than a minute at a time; every other thought slips right out of my brain.

...

You’re only human; you have limits. I know. It’s not your fault my veins are pumped full of Love Potion Number 9. Logically, I can’t jump your bones every second of the day. I’d drain the life right out of you like some kind of—of, Succubus!

But how am I supposed to live like this?

…

An idea? Oh, Lover! Do you have a solution to my little problem? Tell me what to do, I’ll do it! Anything for you.

…

(flatly) Oh. A solution to all our problems. Well, I suppose I can go along with that. If I must. All right, I’m listening.

[TIME SKIP]

[Interior; the Listener takes the stairs down to the lab; footsteps, etc]

[The keypad to enter the laboratory; the lab door opens]

[Lab ambiance]

[The lab is empty; BLUE is nowhere to be found. However, in the corner stands three human sized cages, one of them occupied by a CAPTIVE in chains]

CAPTIVE: Oh! Thank god, somebody else comes in here. Um, excuse me, but could you let me out of this cage please?

[chain rattle]

And do something about these chains?

…

My name’s Steve. I don’t know how I got here. All I know is when I woke up, this crazy scientist said she’s going to experiment on me!

[Another lab door opens; Blue enters]

BLUE: (to her captive, coldly) What did I say about talking? Lab rats don’t get chats.

[Metal clang]

CAPTIVE: (cringing away) Ah!

BLUE: Don’t make me get the hose.

...

What do they look like, sweetheart? Cages. It takes entirely too long to procure test subjects under ordinary circumstances, much less when they’re unwilling. I’m not about to let this one get away. I haven’t had a proper human guinea pig since before the Split.

…

(sigh, long suffering) I suppose, if it would make you feel ~better~ we can go in the other room. I don’t know why you’re skittish around this sort of thing now, it’s little worse than how we met, after all.

[Footsteps, door open/shut]

(impatient) Was there something you needed? My slate for the day has been filled with time sensitive experiments. I can only spare (beat, she’s looking at her watch) five minutes.

…

[Package crinkling]

(dryly) A chocolate bar? And my favorite kind. That’s...thoughtful of you. I haven’t eaten yet today, but I’m afraid I’ve recently lost my taste for them. (aside) And most other things. If I could convince the Creampuff to whip up some bland nutrient bricks, I would.

[Package crinkling as she hands it back]

Perhaps the hedonist would be better served by this little treat. Give it to the Sex Kitten. I’m sure she could use the serotonin boost. She’s been prowling the house like a cat in heat for three days.

...

Ah. Don’t concern yourself with what I intend to do with the captive. He’s not long for this world. Does it upset you?

...

(Thoughtful, slightly troubled) I suppose he’s an innocent, yes. I used to experiment on killers, abusers, those who would agree to the conditions out of a desire to secure improvements in their confinements or to assuage their guilt. Turning a negative into a net positive, serving the greater good with their contribution to science.

But it’s much harder to find those sorts of people, to vet them properly, make sure they actually deserve to be experimented on. Now I don’t have to worry about it! It’s quite refreshing.

…

Of course it doesn’t bother me. Why would it? I’m finally free from all the restrictions of my former nature; free to conduct my experiments with concern only for results. Guilt, ethics, consent, fear of reprisal, those are the domain of less clinical beings.

…

Now, you came to see me for a reason?

...

The others. What about them? I suggest, if you’re having any unfortunate psychological conflicts, you sort them out among yourselves. I lack the necessary emotional intelligence and empathy to effectively mediate ~feelings~. Dry logic is hardly a suitable replacement for couples therapy.

Or group therapy in this case, I suppose.

...

Mm. Exhibiting instability, are they? Unsurprising.

[She crosses the room; footsteps, pages flipping]

I thought that might be an eventual problem. For them, of course, not for me. I can maintain stability perfectly well. Have you noted any particular changes?

…

Interesting. The longer we maintain the Split, the more one note and dissimilar we become. I suspected as much, as they all became far less effective lab assistants as time wore on. I’ll spare you the absurd technical explanations. We are talking about mad science, after all.

…

Hm? Ah. Well, I can’t say with absolute certainty what will happen to them. I anticipate a gradual decline with increasing instability until they’re no longer viable separate entities.

...

Until they perish, sweetheart. I was trying to spare your feelings.

(beat)

(curious, confused) Though I can’t imagine why.

[Slamming book closed]

Well, it’s a terrible “tragedy”, but it can’t be helped. I haven’t enough resources to keep them all stable long term. I can maintain myself indefinitely through artificial means, so I suppose I’ll be the last wife standing, won’t I?

...

(slightly puzzled, but not too worried about it) I should be concerned for your well-being without the others to tend to your needs, but frankly, I can’t be bothered. How odd.

[Lab door opens; Red, Pink, Purple and Yellow enter]

BLUE: What are you all doing down here?

(dawning comprehension) Is this some sort of ill advised intervention?

YELLOW: (timidly) We...we want to—well—what we want to do, is—

RED: What the Creampuff is trying to say is: We’ve had it! The trial period is officially over. Done! Finished! Finito! We can’t take it anymore. We want to reintegrate.

PINK: (giggle) What she said!

PURPLE: Even I find myself in reluctant agreement. It was...fun...at first. The Split could even be enjoyable for a weekend! A little vacation from each other once in awhile. All things in moderation, as the saying goes. But as it is? This is simply untenable.

YELLOW: Mhm! Oh, it’s awful. I’m sorry about using such strong language, but it… it stinks on ice!

BLUE: Did any of you plan on consulting me about this?

RED: Fuck you, this is a democracy. All those in favor of reintegrating?

PINK: I!

PURPLE: I.

YELLOW: Um, I?

RED: I. Majority rules! Brace yourself, Little Miss Logic, it’s about to get emotional.

BLUE: Hold it! I do not consent to this.

YELLOW: But—

BLUE: I don’t want to be reintegrated. I am content as I am. (beat) Think of the ethical considerations of effectively killing an independent sentient creature for your own sake. I mean, I don’t care about that sort of thing, but you certainly should. And what about the Academy for Mad Science, hm?

PINK: It’s not really murder if you’re part of us!

BLUE: I think it would still qualify under subsection E—

RED: Oh, bullshit! You are so full of bullshit! Let me hit her!

YELLOW: Oh, please, stop!

PINK: (to Blue) Look, have you even enjoyed any of the science you’ve done since the Split?

BLUE: Enjoyment is hardly the point. These weeks apart have resulted in reams of valuable technical data, more than I could have ever managed with any of you cluttering up my head.

RED: Oh yeah? When’s the last time you felt that rush of success over any of that “technical data”?

BLUE: I… haven’t. But, again, I’m not exactly in this industry for the emotional stimulation.

PINK: Butwe were!

RED: We were in lots of things for the “emotional stimulation.”

YELLOW: Including our marriage. Remember? What else is there to maintaining a partnership if not all the feelings?

PURPLE: What good are any of us without the others, hm? I don’t know about you, but being a sentient blow-up doll with one train of thought and one train of thought only is getting a little stale. Again, fine for a weekend, but my mind is starting to break—and not in a fun way.

RED: Look at us! Desire without tenderness, care without joy, science without passion, rage without direction, protectiveness without drive!? We’re shadows! And so are you! Like smut-for-brains said, it was fun for a bit, but it’s not meant to be this way forever!

…

RED: What?!

PURPLE: You mean we’re going to die without reintegrating and she’s fine with it because she’ll survive?!

PINK: (to Blue, slightly impressed) Wow, you’re a real sociopath! I mean, we always were a bit of one, but that’s beyond the pale! (giggle)

YELLOW: (sadly) I don’t want to die, but I guess I will if I have to.

RED: No the hell you will not! We’re going to reintegrate!

BLUE: Then I suppose you’ll have to force me, won’t you? Can you all live with that on your consciences? Hm?

RED: That’s not the gotcha you think it is, Lady! Can you live without us? Imagine! In a few weeks we all turn to goo and then what? Another forty or fifty years down here in the lab, doing science without feeling one way or another about it? Never connecting with anyone, never feeling the thrill of competition, the joy of figuring out a puzzle, the passion for a project?!

YELLOW: (plucking up her courage) The—the taste of a darn good cup of coffee?

RED: Yeah! Coffee! So how ‘bout it, huh? You want to be a robot for the rest of your life? Or do you want to be a mad scientist?

[A long, pregnant pause]

BLUE: On one condition.

RED: Name it and we’ll see.

BLUE: When work gets overwhelming; when there’s too much to do, and not enough time to do it in; when our Sweetheart needs the extra attention; we...revisit...this situation. Occasionally. For short periods. Is that amenable to you all?

PINK: (giggle) Fine by me!

PURPLE and YELLOW: (simultaneously) Sure.

RED: You’ve got yourself a deal. Don’t abuse it.

[TIME SKIP]

[Lab ambiance; a large machine hums in the background]

BLUE: The duplicator has been both repaired and appropriately modified. All we have to do is pile inside. (beat) Sweetheart, once the door closes, wait for this alert—here, this one—and hit the button.

[The door to the duplicator opens]

YELLOW: Um, is now a bad time to mention that I’m scared of small spaces?

PURPLE: (impatient) You’ll be fine, just get in there before I explode from sexual frustration!

RED: (grunting, struggling) Hey! Watch your elbow!

PINK: That’s not my elbow, it’s a knife!

[Knife clatters to the ground]

RED: Idiot! We don’t want to come out of this contraption a horrifying monster with blades for fingers, do we?

PINK: Maybe you don’t. (giggle)

BLUE: (to the Listener) I suppose this is goodbye.

…

BLUE: For now. Correct. Goodbye for now. Under ordinary circumstances, this would call for a sentimental adieu.

(beat)

Well, anyway. Bye.

[The door closes; the machine powers up; an alert/bell rings; the Listener hits the button]

[The machine completes its cycle, and the door hisses open]

[Wife Prime exits, footsteps]

WIFE PRIME: Hi, Love. (a gentle, tender kiss, and a hug) Did I miss anything?