Vanilla Velvet Audio Script: The Tsundere Frog Princess (Patreon)

Hey, I finished a script! And it only took like, a year. I'm thinking I might produce this for a release on June 21, but we'll see. 

Anyway, this was written for a Patron request! The prompt was “Tsundere Frog Girl” by PsionicsKnight! And of course I overdid it because why wouldn’t I?

Sure, the script’s got a cliffhanger, and sure, the story will have to be multiple parts, and sure it’s twice as long as I wanted it, and yeah, okay that wasn’t the plan but…ummmm…

(smoke grenade, runs away)

THE ELEVATOR PITCH/HOOK:

Summary for the Speaker(s): At first glance, you’re a grumpy frog girl, just trying to make the most of your existence as a swamp hag. In reality, you’re the exiled princess Lily, and your current form is the result of a curse! Your power hungry idiot brother wanted the throne, so he disposed of you—and your two sisters—with the help of a wicked fairy and a few hideous transformation spells. He also destroyed your reputations in the process!

Now your brother is in trouble and has sent the listener, a royal messenger, to ask for your help. Of course you’ll tell him to go hang! But, as is often the case in fairy tales, all isn’t as it seems...

Summary for the Listener: You’ve been sent to find your kingdom’s exiled princess! Sure, she may be a cranky, cursed frog girl now, but the king is in trouble and needs help only she can give. Can you convince her to render aid? Or will you find there’s more to this story than meets the eye?

CHARACTER NOTES:

LILY: Exiled princess turned froggy swamp sorceress. Grumpy, cynical, with a (mostly) hidden tender, vulnerable streak. She wasn’t always a cranky monster girl, after all! But she’s not about to trust anyone with that knowledge, least of all the listener. She also still cares about her traitorous brother, even though she clearly doesn’t want to.

THE LISTENER: A royal messenger (or are they? DUN DUN DUN)

MINOR CHARACTERS

GENERIC GUARD: One of the guards who escorts the listener to Lily’s...pad. (Haw.) Gets two lines.

GUARD CAPTAIN: Gruff, conspiratorial; really only here for about 150 words of exposition.

*

SETTING: Exterior, a swamp outside a small cottage, day.

[Swamp ambiance]

[Knocking]

LILY: (Muffled through door) Go away!

[More insistent knocking]

Ugh! What?! Can’t you read? The sign says no solicitors, missionaries or knights in shining armor! If you’re a peddler, I already have everything I need; if you’re a grimoire thumper, I’ve already got religion; and if you’re a wannabe hero looking to save a damsel in distress, you can shove your sword where the sun doesn’t shine ‘cause I don’t need rescue. Now, go away!

…

A message? Damn it, I knew I forgot something. Should have put messengers on the list. This better be good!

[Door opens]

(Coming up short, she’s surprised but trying to cover it) Oh. You’re—

(Getting hold of herself, sliding back into tsundere) Yeah, yeah, by order of the blah blah blah, I can see your livery. I know where you hail from, get on with it!

What’s the message? 

...

I’m waiting. What’s so important you had to wade into a swamp to bother me?

...

Don’t just stand there staring at me like a dummy, talk!

...

What, you’ve never seen a frog girl before? Bully for you, now you have. If you don’t stop gaping at me like a fish and get to talking in the next three seconds, I’m going to slam this door in your face.

One.

Two.

...

(surprise, concern; the messenger’s news hurts her but she doesn’t want to admit it.) The king is—dying?

...

(Trying to recover her anger, but less successful than before) Oh, really? Well… (trailing off) well...

(Tsundere mode back on!) Well, what do I care?! Does the king send a full complement of soldiers with some namby-pamby messenger in tights to inform all the peasantry of his impending demise? I don’t even live on his lands. What’s the difference to me?

...

(Angry, embarrassed, fearful) Shh! Bite your tongue! You can’t just spread that kind of thing around in the open air! Even the toadstools have ears! Ugh, fine. Get inside.

[Door slam; swamp noises are cut off]

I didn’t become a hermit just for you to go blurting my name aloud, for the Lilypad’s sake. 

[magic sfx]

What a silly question. Of course that was magic. Did you fail to notice the shower of stars? The puff of blue mist in the air? I set the wards. My home is secure. We can speak freely here. Unfortunately I can’t do much about the damage you’ve done if anyone heard your faux pas out there in the open. I hope for your sake no malevolent little gossips were listening. It’ll cost your tongue if I’m found out—and I won’t be the one to cut it out.

...

(Impatient, but slightly sympathetic) You’re shivering. 

[flare of magic, a roaring fire starts in the hearth] 

Don’t expect tea and a blanket. A fire is as far as my hospitality extends.

Now. Get on with it.

...

What? It! It! Whatever it is that you were sent here to tell me!

You need to be sure I’m the correct recipient? Are you joking? Did you find any other temperamental frog girls in this swamp?

...

Oh. Well, Prunella, the swamp hag. Yes. She is a bit froggy. And grouchy. Miss Misty, as well, over on the other side of the swamp. Hmph.

Oh, fine. Here, let me roll up my sleeve. See? The royal mark, branded on every heir. And here—around my neck—the emerald pendant gifted to me at birth. You recognize the crest?

Yes. I am the exiled princess Lily. Emphasis on exiled. You must know the story; everyone does. I sought commune with the dark arts! Went mad with magical power and tried to overthrow our beloved sovereign! I led our sisters astray with my power and convinced them to turn on him. One little misfired spell and poof, frog girl.

But my brother, so noble, so selfless and forgiving, in his bountiful mercy, exiled me instead of executing me for treason. And all throughout the land, the people rejoiced, and threw rocks at the retreating traitorous princess, and in the intervening years, mothers tell their children to avoid the swamps, or the wicked frog princess might hop out of the nearest bog and try to drown them.

I assume my dear brother King Aster must be in quite a bind if he sent you to find me. I expect I’m so far down his list of potential allies I’ve fallen off the page.

So. What is it he wants? Healing? He has access to far better healers than me. Far better curse breakers, too, if his current issues run that direction.

Or is it something a bit more...mundane? Don’t tell me he craves a deathbed reconciliation?

...

No?

Hm. Then what does he want?

...

Blood? He wants my...blood?

(shrewd) If he meant figuratively, I assume you’d have tried to run me through by now. So, he literally wants my blood. For a magical curative, I suppose? Hm.

Tell me about his illness.

(mock surprise) Cursed by a wicked fairy, hm? You don’t say! What a tragic and utterly unforeseeable circumstance. And where is this fairy now?

...

Dead? Oh, dear. How terrible. And how did that happen? No, no, don’t tell me. Aster’s temper got the better of him and he had her executed, right?

...

How did I know? I know my brother. That sounds like him.

Let me see if I can fill in the rest… with her dying breath, she cursed him! And the court sorcerers have determined the only cure requires the blood of another who was tainted by her magic. Sound about right?

...

Well! What a shame I can’t help.

...

Oh, no. I wasn’t cursed by a fairy. That’s not how the story goes, remember? I had a magical accident, of my own design. Purely as a result of my attempted coup!

Now, if you would be so kind as to vacate the premises? I have to brush up on my choreography. (thoughtful) I think I’ll do a Morris Dance on Aster’s grave.

Go on. Shoo.

...

Get lost!

...

Are you...shaking?

[knife sound]

Oh, now don’t do anything stupid. You don’t have a chance against me.

[knife swish]

[magic, knife clatter] 

A wave of my hand and you’re disarmed, you see? Ah, ah—don’t go for it again. I won’t be so gentle next time.

(grunt, sigh)

Aster said if you didn’t come back with some of my blood he’d kill you, didn’t he? Why on earth charge a messenger with this task instead of any of the meatheads outside?

Stop your knees from knocking together, you damned fool. I’m not going to kill you. And I won’t let him kill you, either. Sit. Down.

(to herself) Damn it all. That’s why he sent you instead of a trained soldier, isn’t it? Sympathy. He knew I’d say no… unless...

...

Stop looking at me like that. Despite the popular narrative, I’m no monster.

...

Well...yes, I was going to just let my brother die and not lift a finger to help him. That does sound rather monstrous without context. But—(defensive) you don’t understand!

(sigh) Ughhhh.

I suppose, since he’s dragged you into the middle of this, I have to tell you the whole sordid story.

Once upon a time, there lived a wise king and queen. My parents. They had four children: a son, Aster, and three daughters, Poppy, Marigold, and Lily. Ah, me, as you might guess. Poppy favored all the arts, spinning, weaving, painting and sculpture. Marigold had a gift for hunting, riding, gardening, all the martial arts. I have an aptitude for magic, brewing, herbalism.

But Aster… oh, Aster. His only interest was the pursuit of pleasure and opulence. And war.

All of us were clever in our own ways, but only one of us was ambitious. Our parents recognized that ambition in Aster—recognized that it would destroy all they’d built if our brother inherited the throne the way he hoped to. So...an unconventional compromise.

We would rule as a committee. Poppy would oversee the kingdom’s industry and arts. Marigold, the crops and forestry. I would be in charge of the court magicians, the healers, midwives, and wise women. Aster would oversee any necessary military campaigns, spymasters, things of that sort. Together we would oversee the budget and attend to court duties.Our maidenly wisdom would temper his...temper, and we’d all live happily ever after, with our people fed, and our coffers full.

...

“How did that work out?” You must be daft. Look at you, a royal messenger in a threadbare tunic and shoes full of holes! I’d bet your belly’s empty, too. Tell me, taken any good beatings lately? I assume so, with a shiner like that on your cheek.

How do you think it worked out? It didn’t! Our parents died, first my mother, and father not far behind… and Aster…

(huff)

Aster tried to get us out of the way. Brother dear didn’t just want the biggest piece of the pie, he wanted the whole thing. And what do you do with three eligible princesses? Why, you marry them off to the highest bidder, of course!

Imagine! One minute you’re an innocent princess, ignorant of all evil, who adores your older, if somewhat dimwitted, brother. And the moment he comes within an inch of real power, he tries to sell you into marriage to some old rotting carcass—who was a hundred and one if he was a day, by the way. (Audible shudder)

None of us agreed to go along with his nuptial plans, of course. Not that it mattered! Asking us to cooperate was only a formality; he had a dark fairy waiting in the wings, bought and paid for in case we refused to acquiesce. Our refusal became a motive. 

When we rejected our appointed bridegrooms, pow! Cursed by a nigh unbreakable spell of transformation. The results of which I’m sure you’ve heard in horrified whispers, and now have witnessed with your own eyes. Poppy, a spider. Marigold, a snake. And myself, a toad.

The official story is, of course, that in little more than a fit of feminine pique, we tried to overthrow him. My knack for magic was always met with a bit of suspicion from certain courtiers; it didn’t take much to spin a lie that many wanted to believe. Of course my sisters, being simply lousy with feminine wiles, would join in my conspiracy.

...

(sarcastic) Tell someone the truth…? My goodness, why ever didn’t I think of that?

What do you think happened when Aster called the guards and they came running to find three hideous monsters at his throat?! We were lucky to escape alive! Think: who would you believe? The giant spider trying to bite his head clean off, or the handsome prince?

Anyway. We ran. Scattered to the winds in search of a way to break the curse. We pledged to reconvene at an appointed place when seven years have passed; to share what we’ve learned, if anything, about reversing the spell.

So, Aster bargained with a fairy—a bargain that backfired, I assume, given his current predicament. His betrayal finally came home to roost! I’m delighted to hear it. Let him employ a Necromancer to bring the harpy back from the dead, if he’s so desperate for help. You can march right back to the palace and tell him I won’t shed a tear, much less any blood for his sake.

(under breath) It wouldn’t do him any good anyway.

...

Ugh, I’ve become too used to living alone, talking to myself without considering I’ll have to explain every little tidbit to an overly curious guest.

I said, it won’t help him anyway.

Blood magic isn’t the answer. That was one of the first things I tried!

...

Oh, don’t look so pale. Blood magic is one of the lesser forbidden arts, barely useful for anything. Consider it...a boost to ordinary magic, a bit of spice in the stew, perhaps. It’s virtually nothing on its own. I’ve done loads of it, and the only negative repercussion is fainting—a perfectly natural reaction to bleeding yourself too much, I should say. As for the purported venial costs, you’ll notice I’m possessed only by a foul disposition, not a horde of demons.

(thoughtful, quiet) Although…perhaps…

(beat, even quieter) if Poppy and Marigold...

...

(coming back to herself) Oh. Are you still here? Ugh. You have your answer, Messenger: no. I won't help Aster, neither voluntarily nor against my will. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some packing to do. Clearly this place isn’t safe anymore. A change of scenery is in order. 

...

I was getting tired of this wallpaper anyway.

[the clink of bottles, papers, magical sounds as she begins to pack]

(Sigh) Perhaps it doesn’t make much sense to you, but making sense to you isn’t my job. Blame it on a petty, vengeful temperament if it suits you.Technically speaking a vial of my blood won’t save him, so technically speaking the cost to me would be minimal, but I refuse to bleed on his account just the same. It’s the principle of the thing.

Besides, even if it didn’t heal him, which it wouldn’t, in his hands it could still be used to cast magics on me. No thank you. I’ve become accustomed to being a frog; I refuse to risk anything worse.

(Trying to be harsh, not entirely convincing) I’m sorry, I can’t say for certain what will become of you; but if it’s down to my neck or yours, I’ll choose mine every time. 

(snide, looking down on her former naive self) Maybe the sweet, sheltered Princess Lily would have graciously sacrificed herself for one of her subjects, but the Exile Lily is far more craven and self-interested.

...

(thoughtful, reluctant) I suppose...I can offer a simple charm to better your chances of surviving Aster’s wrath when you return to the palace, and a vial of frog’s blood with enough magic in it to fool the court sorcerers into thinking it’s mine. 

It won’t work for long, but by the time they poke and prod it and figure out it’s useless, hopefully you’ll have pulled up stakes and run off. I hear the Realm of Eternal Night is nice this time of year. As nice as it ever is, anyway.

...

(slightly mocking) “What about the kingdom?” Well, it won’t be much of one without a king, now will it? I’m sure some greedy nobles will scrap amongst themselves to fill the vacuum of power left behind when Aster (beat, slightly sad but trying not to be) ...dies.

(recovering herself) The peasants will suffer, civil war will probably break out; it always does. But it’s no concern of mine. My magic isn't the sort that can easily wrest kingdoms from grasping hands, and I’ve been neatly stripped of my titles, as have my sisters. None of us remain popular enough to retake the throne, much less raise an army to secure it. We don't have a single sympathizer among the three of us, I’m sure.

...

One. One? What do you mean, “one”? 

(realization) Oh, for the love of—not you. You don’t mean to tell me you’ve changed allegiances in the five minutes since you tried to kill me, do you? The cranky frog princess spins a fairy tale of woe and you want to throw in with her? That’s ridiculous.

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate that you believe me, but a lowly messenger is hardly a useful ally! No offense, it’s meant only as a factual assessment. Besides, in case you’ve forgotten, there’s a whole platoon out there waiting to escort you back to Aster. I doubt they’ll let you leave with me.

[bottles clink, magic sfx]

Here. This should be sufficient to fool the King and his minions, at least in the short term. Handle with care, it’s got a splash of darkness in it. As for your protective charm—

[magic sfx]

There. I think that should keep your head on your neck where it belongs. And if it doesn’t...well, at least you won’t be able to complain. Unless you’re unfortunate enough to leave a ghost...in which case, feel free to haunt me if it makes you feel better. Of course I’ll exorcise you eventually, I don't have patience for hauntings, but I’ll let you get a few good moans and groans in, anyway.

...

Come with me? No! You can’t come with me! Absolutely not. I thought I made it abundantly clear I’m not a people person. (beat) Frog. People frog.

...

[jewelry jangling]

What’s this? (beat) A good luck charm? For me? (scoff) Seriously? Hm. And it hums with protective magic. Look, I appreciate the gesture but—

(Annoyed; you can really hear the eyeroll) Oh, fine. I’ll put it on. You’re awfully sentimental for someone who only just met me.

[Footsteps as she crosses the room]

Welp. I suppose this is goodbye. Meeting you was…certainly something that happened.

[door opens, swamp sounds resume]

[Springy hopping noises; suggest mouth harp for this]

GENERIC GUARD #1: She’s escaping!

GUARD CAPTAIN: Catch her! (beat) Fire at will!

[Arrows flying through the air, striking trees; sword slashes]

LILY: Nyah, nyah! Gee, you lot are slow.

[Bushes rustling, more arrows, eventually the ruckus dies down leaving only swamp sounds]

GENERIC GUARD #1: (breathless) Apologies, Guard Captain. We gave chase but—she was too quick on those damn frog legs. She may have even been using magic.

GUARD CAPTAIN: That’s all right, soldier. Leave me with the messenger.

[footsteps leading away]

...

GUARD CAPTAIN: (quiet, secretive) Well, Messenger? Report. Has the package been delivered?

...

Excellent. Lady Magdalena will be most pleased; she has been beside herself with grief over the king’s affliction. (sadly) Poor thing. She loves him so.

...

As the trap is laid, this is where our paths diverge. To maintain your cover, you must go the next leg of your journey alone. You gained sufficient sympathy from the exile, yes? She trusts you are nothing more than you claimed to be?

...

Good. I would expect nothing less from a professional blade of your rank—and price. Remember: no matter how tempted you become, make no move on her until she leads you to the other two (disdain) princesses. Once that happens, do as you will, but be sure their blood runs as one to lift the curse they conspired to place on the king.

...

(suspicious) You’re not having...second thoughts, are you? Surely you didn’t believe any of her falsehoods? I’ve heard she could be most persuasive before her little accident.

...

I’m gratified to hear it. I knew you would be too clever to believe the witch’s lies.

I’ll leave you to it, blade. Go forth, plant yourself in the exile’s confidence. Do your duty, for king and country.

Farewell, and godspeed on your bloody endeavor.