Vanilla Velvet Audio Script: Yandere/Yangire Girl Stalks Your Favorite Sexy DJ (Patreon)

I have triumphantly returned with the script, all nice and tidied up! It's a long one, with eleven vocal roles of some kind or another because apparently I don't know how not to overdo it. This audio is already in early access, so if you'd like to follow along with the script, you can!

NOTES ON THE WRITING PROCESS:

This script idea has been kicking around in my head since last year, when I did “Obsessive Yandere Girl Stalks and Hunts You.” It took a long time to really solidify, and even longer to actually buckle down and write it, but I hoped to get it out there in time for Here for the Boos 2! I’m very happy I managed it.

Generally, I love when audio is not just the format to deliver a story, but also a setting/plot device. Every art form has unique advantages and challenges, and I always appreciate when the nature of a  format is incorporated into the narrative somehow. (See: the book House of Leaves, the fourth wall breaking Marshall Rogers Joker comics of the 1970s, or the game Papers Please for great examples of this in action.) It’s just really clever and I like it!

So, that was part of my goal here: format as setting/plot device. Of course, I also wanted it to thematically tie in with last year’s slashtastic audio, and I’m satisfied on that front. It feels very retro, very “of a different time” and that’s what I wanted.

I do have to admit: this one took a lot of work, and like all things that require a long development process and many moving parts, you eventually start to lose confidence in the end result. That’s normal, though, so if you ever find it happens to you when you’re working on something, don’t feel discouraged! 

When you’ve heard the same joke fifty times, naturally it’s hard to find it funny, so you start to wonder if it was ever funny to begin with—but when you release that same joke to the world, someone who hasn’t heard it so often will laugh. The hardest part of this is getting to to the point of trusting that’ll happen, but it will happen!

All that said! I have no idea how this audio will do when it’s released on youtube. I think it’ll either do gangbuster numbers or tank, hard. I’m prepared for either outcome! And whatever the fates have in store, I’m proud of it. 💖

Now, just for fun, here’s a list of things that influenced this audio in one way or another:

• The Fog (1980)
• Urban Legend (1998)
• Play Misty for Me (1971)
• All About Eve (1950)

THE ELEVATOR PITCH/HOOK:

Summary for the Speaker(s): Sonja Starr is a local DJ working alone on the graveyard shift, keeping up a flirty facade for the lonelyhearts who tune into the station every night. Usually, her job requires minimal friendly patter with callers between songs, but tonight something’s gone wrong with the studio equipment and she has no choice but to fill the dead air with more calls. Things deteriorate fast when an obsessive fan (and killer) calls in.

Summary for the Listener: Plagued with insomnia, you tune in to hear your favorite late night DJ, hoping her velvet voice can put you to sleep. But something weird is going on in the studio...and you're about to hear far more than you bargained for.

CHARACTER NOTES:

MAIN CHARACTERS:

SONJA STARR: Sultry, mostly unflappable, somewhat put-upon DJ. Flirtatious because it’s her job, but not-so-secretly jaded and frankly a little tired of this shit. Still, she’s trying not to let it show too much that she’d rather be anywhere but here.

THE KILLER: Referred to only as “Pollyanna” and “Kid/Kiddo” in the dialogue. Sonja’s #1 fan! Perky, eager and fawning but ultimately fragile and unstable. Rapidly devolves once her feelings get hurt by her idol, but never quite loses her giggly spark. A little yandere for Sonja, but even more yandere for Sonja’s position and audience. The fragility of Marilyn Monroe in Don’t Bother to Knock + the gleeful sadism of Marilyn Monroe in Niagra.

THE CALLERS:

MIKE (Caller #1): Somewhat melancholy inmate in a penitentiary, secretly listening to Sonja’s show, trying to dance around his circumstances; interrupted by a guard before his call gets too far.

ROB (Caller #2): Sleazy heavy breather, very likely—ah, “amusing himself” while on the phone with Sonja. The original character notes were to lean on the sleaze, but the resulting recording was too sleazy, so we dialed it back to a less realistic, more absurd range of the scale. ^^;

CHARLIE (Caller #3): Good-natured fella, utterly clueless that he’s making innuendos. Just an absolute cartoon in the old Western character actor mold, with a creaky Pat Buttram/Andy Devine vocal quality.

REGINALD (Caller #4): Theatrical, definitely that dude who says “loquacious” when “talkative” would do. Lazlo Cravensworth + Olivier are the model here.

CALLER #5: Generic, doesn’t even get a greeting out before the call gets cut off.

OTHER SCRIPT ELEMENTS/VOICES:

VLVT 101.3 JINGLE: Just what it says on the tin, typical little ditty announcing the radio station’s call sign.

VLVT SLOGAN: General voice, intentionally glitchy foreshadowing. It’s K-k-killer!

“WILD MAN” TOMMY VICKS: Your typical small town goofball morning DJ, definitely the guy who’s put a rubber tarantula in the communal coffee pot at least once, and is the voice of the opening VLVT 101.3 commercial. Vocal quality is somewhere between vintage Jello Biafra (circa MTV Get Off the Air) and Krusty the Clown.

RUBY RETRO: Valley Girl DJ; only mentioned in passing during the opening commercial, gets one short line.

And now...the script!

Yandere/Yangire Girl Stalks Your Favorite Sexy DJ:

[Static, radio tuning]

JINGLE: VLVT, 101.3!

VLVT SLOGAN: It’s k-k-k-iller!

“WILD MAN” TOMMY VICKS: 101.3 is your music destination, New Hope Harbor! At three, it’s all the blues you can use to cruise with Rush Hour Johnny Ralstin! Then tune in with Ruby Retro (RUBY: Like, duh!)for the blast from the past block! The fifties at five, sixties at six and seventies at seven! Be there or be square!

Up late, New Hope? Tune in between ten ‘till dawn to climb between the sheets with Sonja Starr, your mistress of the night. (SONJA: “I’ll keep you up all night long”) and at six, catch me! Wild Man Tommy Vicks and the morning brew crew!  [Cartoon SFX] The only wake-up call you’ll ever need!

All here on VLVT 101.3!

VLVT SLOGAN: It’s k-k-k-iller!

SONJA: (smirky to start, but flirty throughout) In case the charmingly tacky commercial didn’t clue you in, darling listeners, you’re listening to VLVT 101.3, the only radio station for New Hope Harbor, and you’re up late with your mistress of the night, Sonja Starr. Don’t let my good press fool you, I’m no lady of the evening, just your average working girl.

It’s mischief night here in the studio, the witching hour, and I’m all by my lonesome. For now, it’s just you and me, listeners. Won’t you keep my company tonight?

The lines are open. Area code 831-555-VLVT. Don’t leave me waiting by the phone, now.

(beat)

Mmm, look at all those pretty lights. I feel like a kid on Christmas morning. All for me? You shouldn’t have.

Let’s take a call…

Line one, you’re on the air with Sonja Starr. How’s your night going?

MIKE (Caller #1): Hey, Sonja! My name is Mike. My night is going, uh, okay.

Hello, Mike. And what has you up at this hour, hm?

MIKE (Caller #1): I’m all alone tonight too, Sonja. Been alone for awhile. Why are you by yourself?

Oh, my wayward producer stepped out for an after-midnight bite, three hours ago; I know that new diner waitress is cute, but don’t forget me, Joey. Philly Cheese Steak, extra onions. One drop of mayo and you’re fired.

So, Mike. Where you calling from?

MIKE (Caller #1): I’m—ah, I really shouldn’t say.

So secretive. What could you have to hide from little old me? You a soviet spy, Mike?

MIKE (Caller #1): Well, gosh, Sonja, nah. But  ah… I’m not supposed to be making calls. I’m on duty.

Oh, the plot thickens. And where are you on duty? (flirty) Is there a uniform involved?

MIKE (Caller #1): Uh, sorta? It’s...it’s orange.

So, you in construction or the federal pen?

MIKE (Caller #1): I’m (distant, a different voice: HEY MAGGOT, LIGHTS OUT!) Gotta go! Keep up the great work, Sonja—I love you!

[the call disconnects, click]

Well, that answers that question. Luckily I love a captive audience. I’d love to keep each and every one of you, lock you all up and throw away the key.

Line 2, you’re on the air. I hope you’re having a better night than Mike is.

THE KILLER: Hi, Sonja!

Oh, we don’t get many lady callers at this hour. But I’m...flexible. How are you tonight, Caller?

THE KILLER: (fawning)Oh, I love you, Sonja! Gee! Miss Sonja Starr! I can’t believe I’m really talking to you.

(chuckle) I’m flattered but you can dial it back, Pollyanna, I’m a minor celebrity. Very minor.

THE KILLER: Oh, but you don’t understand! This is a dream come true! I’ve always wanted to talk to you, I just never had the courage to call in. I’ve listened to you forever! Ever since I was a little girl!

(flat, insulted) Gee, thanks. That’s sobering. I assume you’re up past your bedtime. So what do you have to say to Miss Sonja Starr, young lady?

THE KILLER: Oh, I’m coming for your job! I mean, I wanna be in radio. I don’t just wanna be in radio, I wanna be just like you.

Don’t take this the wrong way, honey but...why? Do you have any idea what it’s like to share an office with the morning brew crew? The Wild Man keeps a rubber chicken in his pants. And yes, he’s made every applicable joke.

THE KILLER: Being a DJ like you is just what I’ve always wanted. You’re so glamorous and mysterious, nobody knows what you look like, and you get to talk to interesting people all night, commanding all that attention, listeners hanging on your every word...

If you’ll take some friendly advice, Caller: aim higher.

THE KILLER: Oh, don’t worry about that. I never miss my mark!

Well, then I wish you all the luck in your endeavors, Pollyanna. Thanks for calling in.

THE KILLER: Oh but--

[the call disconnects, click]

Nice girl. Let’s hope she stays that way, hm? There’s only room for one bad girl on this station.

Line three, you’re on the air with Sonja Starr.

ROB (Caller #2): (heavy breathing)

Hello? Helloooo? Anyone there?

ROB (Caller #2): (heavy breathing) Yeah! Yeah I’m here.

Our first heavy breather of the night. (beat) I hope you’re just out for a really early jog. Dare I ask your name, Caller?

ROB (Caller #2): (sleazy, strained) Yeah, yeah, Sonja. My name is Rob. Could—could you say my name, Sonja?

I think I’d rather not.

[the call disconnects, click]

You listening, Pollyanna? There’s your glamour for you. Still interested?

Now, how about we shake off those bad vibes with some great tunes, hm?

But first, a word from tonight’s sponsor: The Devil’s Head tavern and motel.

[exotica-style lounge music plays under the ad]

Searching for the perfect location for your next secluded rendezvous? Go where the locals go. Fifteen premium themed rooms, rented by the hour. Hellbent for leather? Try the Western dungeon, complete with hitchin’ post. Swing better than Tarzan in the Jungle room, and have a Close Encounter of the naughty kind in the Martian suite. Only at the Devil’s Head tavern and motel, where we look the other way. Just off route six.

[music starts]

[glitching, music dies, sparks, sound of hissing fire extinguisher]

Well. We seem to be experiencing some...technical difficulties in the studio tonight. Luckily, I had a fire extinguisher handy, but it looks like music’s off the menu for the rest of the evening. I’m afraid I’m not technically adept enough to repair an Experon 5600, and nobody wants to hear my off-key warbling, not even me. I’m a lady of many talents, but that ain’t one of ‘em.

Sure would be great to have a producer on hand to handle this sort of thing. But what do I know, I’m just the on-air talent. So you get to ride out this rocky road with me, listeners. Buckle your seatbelts and hold on tight. Until Joey gets back, we’re talk radio. It’s about to get...bumpy.

I suppose we’ll need a topic, won’t we, lonelyhearts? Well, it’s late enough, I think we can get away with something a little racy, don’t you? So, New Hope Harbor: call me now, and tell me about the sauciest, spiciest experience you’ve ever had. Area code 831-555-VLVT.

(beat)

Ooh, the call board is lighting up. Eager, are we? Keep your pants on, callers.

Line two, you’re on the air.

CHARLIE (Caller #3): Well, Sonja, I got a real hot one for ya!

Is that so? Our ears are burning, Caller. Do tell.

CHARLIE (Caller #3): Welp, my spiciest, sauciest story, is about this little hole in the wall, down there by the docks.

Oh hellooo sailor! Off and running are we?

CHARLIE (Caller #3): Heh. Yep. Anyhow, it’s this place called Big Pete’s. And it is GLOR-I-US.

I’ll bet it is.

CHARLIE (Caller #3): And they got the biggest--

Oh my.

CHARLIE (Caller #3): Fattest--

Oh dear.

CHARLIE (Caller #3): Juiciest--

Caller, I’m blushing!

CHARLIE (Caller #3): --hot wings I ever had.

(flat, confused) Ah—what?

CHARLIE (Caller #3): Well, you asked for saucy and spicy! They got the best Buffalo Sauce on this coast!

That’s...not quite what I had in mind. But I’m sure Big Pete’s appreciates the endorsement. You heard it here first, New Hope Harbor. If you want it big, fat and juicy...just find yourself a good hole in the wall. Thanks for calling in, Line Two.

CHARLIE (Caller #3): Tell ‘em Charlie sent ya! And try that sauce, it’s especially good on thighs and bre--

[the call disconnects, click]

Oh no, the connection has been lost, just in time to save me from a potential FCC violation. How coincidental.

Line three, you’ve got my ear. And everything else.

REGINALD (Caller #4): Sonja, my darling, voice of the angels, the brightest star in the firmament.

(sigh) If it isn’t our resident romeo. Welcome back to the show, Reginald. Violate any good restraining orders lately? Other than mine?

REGINALD (Caller #4): Ha! Many. But to the point: I have a tale of ribaldry most lewd!

If the punchline is “The Aristocrats” I’m hanging up.

REGINALD (Caller #4): (beat, discouraged) Ah. You’ve heard it, then. Then...I shall return at a later date with another worthy jest!

[the call disconnects, click]

I’m sure we’re all looking forward to it, Reginald.

Gee, I wonder where my producer is.

Well, spicy stories are a bust. Maybe we should take a different tack. How about instead, we do a Q&A. Got a burning question, New Hope Harbor? Something you’re just dying to know? Give me a ring. You know the number: 831-555-VLVT.

Let’s go back to the phones.

Caller, you’re on the air with--

THE KILLER: (barely containing herself) Sonja!

Oh. Pollyanna. I see the heavy breather didn’t dampen your enthusiasm. (cough) We should all be so lucky.

THE KILLER: Oh, Sonja! I have sooooo many questions! Do you pick the music? Does your producer pick it for you? How many callers can you take at a time? Can you tell how many people are tuning in at once? Like, are there ratings? What time do you get the most listeners? Is it now? Is it now? Hi out there! I’m on the radiooooo!

You weren’t kidding, Pollyanna. That sure is a lot of questions. You writing a book?

THE KILLER: Haha, no! I’m just soooooo interested in the inner workings of being a DJ! Please answer my questions?

Well, that was awfully rapid fire. I’m not sure I caught everything. Maybe you should just pick one to start.

THE KILLER: Okay, Sonja! (the cracks in her cheerful facade start to show) How many people did you have to stab in the back to make it to the top?

Oh, the ah—regular amount, I suppose.

THE KILLER: One? Two? I think two is probably the minimum, right?

Sort of a strange way to think of it, but…I guess this is a cut throat business.

THE KILLER: Oh goodie! I’ll be perfectly suited!

I’ll have to take your word for it, honey. Thanks for calling in.

[the call disconnects, click]

The Q and A continues, here on VLVT 101.3. Line three, you’re on the air.

CALLER #5: Hey, Son— [cut off, static]

Line three?

[static, click]

Mm. Unlucky line three seem to be experiencing some technical difficulties of their own. My sympathies, Caller. It’s nice to know I’m not alone, at least. You know what they say, misery loves company.

Line four, we haven’t heard from you tonight: welcome to the show.

[dead air, click]

Looks like our technical difficulties twosome just became a menage a trois. I wonder if a black cat crossed my path today…

Line one: you’re on the air—I hope.

THE KILLER: Hi again, Sonja!

(audibly irritated) Pollyanna…

THE KILLER: (pouty, but forgiving) You never did answer my questions! But that’s okay, I’ve got a million more. How’d you get started in radio? Was it your dream? And if not, what was your dream? It’s not polite to take a dream job if it’s not even your dream, you know what I mean? Do you ever want to retire? Or do you plan to do this until you die?

Retire? On my salary. Oh, honey, I’m going to be doing this until I die of old age.

THE KILLER:Aw, don’t talk like that! You may get out of this job sooner than you think! Maybe some mysterious benefactor will, um...bankroll your retirement!

I appreciate the optimism. (clipped, getting short tempered) Thanks for calling in--again

THE KILLER: Hey, wa--!

[the call disconnects, click]

Sorry, kid, but it’s not nice to monopolize the show.

Line two, you’re on with Sonja Starr.

THE KILLER: (angry, hurt) It’s not. Nice. To hang up on someone.

A woman of hidden talents, are we? You must have the fastest fingers on the west coast. Or a second phone line.

THE KILLER: Aren’t you going to apologize?

For?

THE KILLER: Cutting me off! How would you like it if I cut you off!?

Listen, kiddo...you’re young, you’re enthusiastic, I understand. It’s adorable and all. But the fact of the matter is, there thousands of other listeners trying to get through… so I’m hanging up now, buh-bye.

[the call disconnects, click]

Line three: you’ve got my undivided attention.

THE KILLER: (beat, anger rising) You are so rude! Never meet your heroes I guess, huh?!

That—how did you? You were--

THE KILLER: (hurt, disappointed, angry) You should be more polite with your adoring fans. I’ve idolized you for life!

What can I say? I flunked out of public relations finishing school.

[the call disconnects, click]

I—

THE KILLER: (furious) Well, then maybe someone should teach you some manners!

I—don’t understand. I cut the feed. You shouldn’t be on air. You can’tbe on air.

THE KILLER: Well, I am! And I’m going to give you a piece of my mind!

(buttons clicking) You sure you can spare it?

THE KILLER: I tried, y’know I really tried, to be nice and complimentary and—and everything. I was even going to let you live—maybe!

[buttons clicking]

(Sonja is getting somewhat agitated) Why isn’t this working?! [bang, bang]

THE KILLER: You should know better, Sonja!

(pause)

(slight, uncomfortable chuckle) I get it. This is a joke, right? Joey rigged this up as a prank. Skipping out on me, the music failure, the weird callers. This is all a stupid prank. Tommy, if this was your idea I’ll kill you.

THE KILLER: Little late for that!

(beat)

(quietly) What did you say?

THE KILLER: (silence)

(beat, growing tension) Oh, sure, now you’re silent, Pollyanna? Cat got your tongue?

THE KILLER: (beat) You really should be nicer, Sonja. Especially when you’re all alone in the studio.

Oh, would you look at that—Joey’s returned. With my sandwich. And a gun.

THE KILLER: He’s not there. You’re lying.

How would youknow?

THE KILLER: Because his body’s in the dumpster out back, silly!

(beat)

(scared, trying to hide it) Well, still waters run deep, don’t they? Quite the...sense of humor you’ve got there, Pollyanna. Gallows, I believe?

THE KILLER: Not gallows! I stabbed him! Gee, was he surprised! The cute diner waitress he’s had a crush on for three months just stabbing him right in the chest! (beat) Your sandwich is still warm, by the way. Do you want it? I think everyone deserves a last meal, even big jerks like you.

All right, ha, ha, you’ve had your laugh. Quite the Halloween prank, I admit. But this isn’t funny anymore, kid.

THE KILLER: You said yourself, getting into radio is a cut throat business.

[doorknob rattling, knocking on glass]

Oh, god. Anyone out there in radioland want to do me a solid and call the police?

THE KILLER: Oh, Sonja. You haven’t been live for the last five minutes! And you won’t be for the next five, either. (giggle) And a long time after that, too! You really should have taken me up on retirement!

[crash, shatter]

What—you can’t be in here! Who--

[struggle, strangling noises, knife, blood spatter, eventual silence]

THE KILLER: (her voice is no longer on the phone, but crystal clear; she’s in the studio) Oh, boy the big chair! (awe) Oh, and the microphone, it’s so pretty! It’s everything I ever dreamed it would be. (puzzled) I don’t know how any of this works. (optimistic) Oh well, I guess I’ll learn!

[button click]

Hello out there in radioland. I’m your host—

[button click]Uh oh, I didn’t think of a sexy on-air name. Well. I guess Sonja’s not using hers anymore. Ahem. [button click]

Hello out there in radioland, I’m your host, Miss Sonja Star. And you’re listening to VLVT 101.3. It’s killer!

JINGLE: VLVT 101.3!

[static, radio clicks off]