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I just wanted to write this to try venting in a way, and hope that it gives me a push to at least get through today because it feels like I don't have it in me to do anything.

I really underestimated stability.

Doing things online is so unstable that you (I) never really know what's coming next. At first, I found an appeal to that, it made me feel like possibilities were endless and the potential was great, and it just depending on how you "performed" consistently. For a while I noticed that I'm just stressed out every single day. Every time I'm asking how I'm doing, why is stressed or something negative my response each time. I feel like now knowing what's next or what's even possible for me is making me feel so extremely heavy and lost. It makes me question my purpose way more than I'd like to admit. I sat here for about 20 minutes just thinking about this and it took me back to a few years ago when I actually took the first step in doing this seriously. The first thing I realized was my complete loss in confidence. Stemming from what I do, to who I am, I am just not confident in anything really. I can't describe what I do confidently or do that many new things with confidence. I don't feel sure in myself and my self esteem has been non existent ever since. It's more than just basing your self worth in analytics and numbers, and it's more than doing something for a long time while not getting whatever results you'd imagined. I feel it's deeply affected me personally and I'm not able to untangle wherever all of that got tied up internally.

I know you guys may not think I am consistent with certain things and I get it, but I feel like recording and posting videos is quite literally all I do, I think that's why I used to take such offense to it. I feel like I don't have enough things that are for myself, outside of this. I have things that I do, about a year ago I started playing the card games I collect and I enjoy that briefly. It's just, outside of that I don't know what I have. When I was 10 years old, talking to my best friend wanting to do this and that online showing what I love for a big portion of my life, I mean that with my whole heart. Only difference I could think of is being younger, I was out more, wasn't working, playing basketball and skateboarding with a lot of video games too. I had all the time in the world it seemed. I just don't know where I got mixed up and though to me it's like, I've started to accomplish what 10 year old me wanted to be doing, yet it still feels like I'm not. I don't expect anything worth having to be all sunshine and rainbows either! I'm not too sure how else I can elaborate on that sadly. I still have that same dream in the present.

When I visited Korea the first and second time, I had a few nights where I just walked around and took photos thinking about how nice it was. It felt like I had the capacity to be unplugged for a moment and have more things to me. I dread coming home only because of the familiarity and that I know exactly how my days will go, what my few interactions will be, how I'll feel at the end of the day and then pray that I have a better day tomorrow, hopefully with something new but I don't. The cycle just repeats. I think that's what my fear of scheduling comes from, just being I don't have external things to enjoy or feel like I have things to do so I'm always left unfulfilled and upset that the preconceived idea of my day goes exactly as I thought it would, kind of saddens me. With all of that happening, it feels like I have nothing to offer, nothing to do, and every way I go is the wrong way.

I know this all may be confusing to those who may take their time to read it, it comes off as I'm talking about work and life, all at the same time of describing them both. That's how it feels to me too, and I think that that's part of the problem? I'm not necessarily looking for solutions, but if someone has felt similarly I would love to hear a perspective that isn't my own.

I feel like a few things of what I'm doing / how I'm thinking is not healthy and I'm tired of it affecting every part of my day. I decline every offer to "relax" or hangout with other friends because I don't like doing what they do, the only time I ever really step away is when Paul would be down to grab some boba tea, we talk for a little on the ride and then it's back to everything else. I feel overloaded even when there's nothing planned. (this has nothing to do with the daily drops/posting each day I haven't felt a problem with that) I really have no idea who I am. I know some things that I like and what I want to do, I feel like I'm doing everything wrong with life and with making videos, like I'm walking in circles and am not living?