Personal update (Patreon)

This post will also probably be the extent to which I talk about this topic. It's intensely personal. But, it's relevant to development progress, and I try to keep things frank and open here. There won't be any game talk here. Also, I am not asking for advice or emotional support.

And with the preamble done...

I recently discovered that I've been dealing with PTSD since childhood. It came as an absolute shock to me, even though in hindsight it seems insultingly obvious. Apparently that part is normal. I've been a wreck coming to terms both with what happened, and the terrifyingly thorough ways in which it still shapes my everyday thoughts and actions. It's been, and continues to be, a gradually escalating series of increasingly devastating realizations. I'd be nonfunctional right now if I didn't have my partner's support.

Stepping out of my current difficulties with it, I see it as a negative-but-positive thing. Sucks that bad things happened obviously. But the discovery has finally exposed the ugly source of my struggles, and also, at long last, a path to recovery. 

In past posts, usually in the context of project management, I've talked about difficulties with ADHD, burnout, self worth, guilt and the unhealthy work habits it comes with, fear of failure, difficulties with community engagement, etc. I did not expect the mastermind villain of this arc to be "surprise childhood trauma".

So yeah, therapy. Obviously. I hear this stuff takes a long time and a lot of constant work to heal from. The more I do, the less BS will be in the way of making the games I enjoy and being myself. It's kind of nuts to think that I've been able to make the progress I have while all of this has been quietly mind-fucking me in the background. It'll be a long road but it's exciting to think about what I'll be capable of when it's not doing that as much.

But yeah right now I'm a wreck. Will be doing my best to claw my way back into a daily routine that includes cool stuff like sleeping, not eating way too much food in a vain attempt to stop The Feelings(tm), and working on the game (would very much like to capitalize on the recent animation upgrades I've made to the engine). 

And a final note. This stuff is common, but rarely noticed. That's why it's important to be kind to others, because you don't know what they're going through, and to be kind to ourselves, because we may not realize what we're going through either. 

... and that's all for now. Thanks for reading, and thank you so much for supporting if you do/have. The development of this ridiculous project will continue thanks to everyone's generosity ^^

I am not an appropriate person to ask for emotional support btw. If you're also going through this, seek professional counsel, and look for support from healthy people in your life. Online figures are rarely equipped to responsibly handle interaction with vulnerable fans. I am no exception.