The Mortal's Guide to the Monster Girl Mash - The Pathetic Hungry Vampire (Patreon)

The Pathetic Hungry Vampire

Also Known As: The Confused Night-Walker, Mistress of Moonburn Fear

Habitat: Doorsteps, under bright moons, anywhere but inside a human’s home

Diet: Allegedly blood, but largely unverified, strong affinity for tomato juice and “moonburn” paranoia

Description:

In the hallowed and humdrum pages of "The Mortals Guide to the Monster Girl Mash", we present the bewildering and baffled creature known as the Pathetic Hungry Vampire. She is the illustrious mistress of indecision, the sultana of stumble, and the paragon of paranoia.

This species of vampire is a rather rare spectacle, a creature of the night who is less likely to be seen haunting the corridors of an ancient castle, and more likely to be found hesitantly knocking at your door, debating her life (or unlife) choices, and generally making a mess of the whole "being a vampire" business.

Appearance:

This befuddled being might appear at your door clad in what she deems to be the most cunning of disguises, a “non-hooded hoodie” that looks suspiciously like a cape. With her carefully crafted “cosplay fangs” (which suspiciously look and act like real fangs), she may attempt to charm her way into your home, inadvertently warning you of her intentions in the process.

Behaviour:

Behold her intricate dance of doubt and derision. Watch as she waffles between the identities of a vampire, a salesperson, a cosplay enthusiast, and a desperate lover of tomato juice. Experience the spectacle as she argues with herself, debates the severity of moonburn, fears your steak (or was it a stake?), and ultimately sprints from your kitty’s fearsome claws. It’s a grand performance of uncertainty and unintentional hilarity, one that you will likely remember far more vividly than she will.

Defence:

Should you find yourself confronted by this puzzled predator, arm yourself with a clove of garlic or simply shut your door. A strong breeze might do the trick too. A more effective method is to let her talk herself out of her predatory purpose, for she is her own best defence against herself.

Conclusion:

A tragicomic figure in the grand tapestry of monsterdom, the Pathetic Hungry Vampire is a delightful study in confusion, a creature whose bite is definitely worse than her bark, largely because the bark is filled with self-doubt, debate, and desperate pleas for entry into your home. Despite her thirst, she's more likely to leave you laughing than drained, making her one of the more amusing entries in "The Mortal's Guide to the Monster Girl Mash". Enjoy the spectacle, but keep your cats close.

In summation, our Pathetic Hungry Vampire is more a moonstruck muddled mess than a menacing monster, leaving a trail of chuckles and confusion in her wake as she trippingly traverses the terrain of her tumultuous vampire existence.