When the Axle Meets the Petal - Trash Fanfic Served With Cheese 🧀 (Patreon)

Once upon a starry night in the elegant halls of the British Museum, Orchid, the notoriously tsundere book thief, found herself in the company of Ultra Magnus, the robot who could make paint drying seem like a thrill ride. Orchid had a reputation - a klepto for literature; she could never resist the call of the antique pages, especially if they were about Transformers.

As they sat at a table covered in fine linen, Orchid's eyes wandered desperately for an escape. She briefly contemplated folding her napkin into a noose, but she was too prim and proper for such shenanigans.

"By the AllSpark, I forgot how to feel joy," she mused to herself, as Ultra Magnus prattled on about his spring collection of nuts and bolts.

Suddenly, like a comet blazing across the sky, Hot Rod crashed into the scene. Known for his fiery charm and need for speed, he had a plan. Hot Rod knew that Orchid had a soft spot for him, but Orchid would rather be caught dead than admit that.

Hot Rod, smirking like the smug Autobot he is, leant into Orchid. "Say, if you weren’t so busy stealing books, would you steal my spark?" he whispered.

Orchid's face turned redder than Optimus Prime. She had been tricked into the Autobot version of truth or dare by Hot Rod. She stammered, “Well, well, well, I... um, maybe... sort of... kind of... like you. But don’t you dare think it’s more than mild indifference!”

In the background, Optimus Prime, who was eavesdropping with a set of binoculars and a romantic's heart, whispered, “I ship it.”

Ultra Magnus, whose heart was as shattered as the glass case Orchid broke into earlier, decided to fight for his love. He put together a PowerPoint presentation, titled “101 Reasons Orchid Should Choose Me”, and started presenting it in the middle of the British Museum.

As slide 37 droned on, Orchid decided she’d had enough. Grabbing Hot Rod by the arm, they blasted through the walls of the British Museum.

And that, my darlings, is how Orchid and Hot Rod became the most scandalous couple since Romeo and Juliet, with a touch more horsepower and a lot less tragedy. Ultra Magnus eventually found love too, with a photocopier. Optimus Prime officiated the wedding, and they all lived absurdly ever after