Morning Love Declaration Assessment Report (Patreon)

Student: Unnamed Girlfriend in the Audio Roleplay

Dear Hopelessly Repetitive Romantic,

Having subjected myself to the seven-plus minutes of your morning love declaration, I am compelled to provide feedback that might very well save your beloved from the soporific drone of your daily devotions.

Content and Originality: Your love declaration meanders like a lost tourist refusing to use a map. "You are wonderful and amazing"? Really, how dreadfully dull! And "I love you so much"? Stop the presses; what an epiphany! This is the verbal equivalent of plain porridge—utterly lacking in spice or seasoning. I suspect your partner might start finding the back of the cereal box more fascinating.

Creativity and Engagement: Your attempt at painting a picture of love with "I drown in an ocean of love" and the "supernova in my chest" did momentarily flicker some interest, suggesting a vague awareness that poetry exists. However, it swiftly drowned in the sea of clichés that followed. Could we perhaps try not to make love sound like a near-death experience?

Emotional Depth: While I appreciate the Herculean effort to shovel as much sentimentality as possible into each sentence, one does wonder if there's an emotional flooding alert in place! Rather than pulling at heartstrings, it feels more like an incessant tug that might eventually snap them in sheer self-defence.

Technique and Delivery: Oh, the monotony! If love is a battlefield, your words are the drones flying overhead, putting everyone to sleep. Where is the suspense? The surprise? The anything that doesn’t sound like a Hallmark card rejected for being too generic?

Overall Grade: D-
Comments: If this declaration were a spice, it would be flour. If it were a book, it would surely be used as a sleep aid. I implore you to enrol in our course, "Mastering the Art of Morning Affections: From Drab to Fab," before your beloved's morning groans become less about waking up and more about having to endure another round of your verbal treacle.

With all due sincerity and a sprinkling of despair, The Seriously Bitchy Teacher