Cupiditis Acutus: The Love-Struck Malady (Patreon)

Classification: In an epoch where medical science ceaselessly marvels, herein we detail Cupiditis Acutus, a singularly peculiar illness. Notably prevalent amongst individuals suffering from acute romantic repression, this ailment transcends the mundane sniffles to induce heartfelt, albeit untimely, declarations of ardour.

Etiology: This malady typically manifests in individuals who, while providing care to someone under the weather, find themselves unexpectedly ensnared by the tendrils of affection. It is hypothesised that the pathogen is transmitted not through airborne particles, but via an overdose of tenderness, empathy, and the occasional soppy gaze.

Symptoms: Initial symptoms mimic those of a common cold, commencing with coughs, sneezes, and a general disposition of grumpiness. However, as the condition intensifies, the affected individuals display an increased heart rate, flushing, and an uncontrollable urge to articulate deep-seated feelings of love, often directed at the person tending to their needs.

The hallmark of this condition is a dramatic romantic realisation, typically occurring between the delivery of chicken soup and the administration of the third cup of tea. Patients report sudden insights into their own emotional states, accompanied by verbose and passionate soliloquies that can leave both parties bewildered.

Diagnosis: Diagnosis is primarily observational and may be confirmed by a sudden outpouring of affection following a caretaking interaction. The definitive diagnostic tool involves the presentation of a hot beverage (preferably tea), which seems to act as a catalyst for the verbalisation of feelings previously unexpressed.

Treatment: The most effective treatment for Cupiditis Acutus involves reciprocal acknowledgment of the feelings expressed, ideally accompanied by a gentle caress or a knowing smile. In cases where mutual affection is confirmed, immediate application of a cosy embrace is recommended. Should symptoms persist, further exposure to romantic comedies and shared laughter is advised.

Prognosis: Patients who engage in mutual recognition of the symptoms often experience a rapid and robust recovery, with significant improvements in mood and emotional well-being. It is critical, however, to maintain a steady regimen of affection and small acts of kindness to prevent relapse.

Epidemiology: Cases have surged around cold and flu season, particularly noting a spike in incidences where one party is bedridden and the other is irresistibly compassionate. Notably, Cupiditis Acutus is highly contagious in intimate environments, such as shared living spaces, where individuals are in close quarters with ample opportunity to nurture and fuss over each other.

Conclusion: Cupiditis Acutus is a serious affliction for the romantically timid, transforming mundane viral symptoms into a catalyst for love's declaration. It remains a poignant reminder of the thin line between physical ailment and emotional revelation. In the chronicles of medical curiosities, this condition stands as a testament to the complexities of the human heart, reminding us that sometimes, love is but a sneeze away.