How to Ensure Your Beloved Isn’t a Cloven-Hoofed Heartbreaker (Patreon)

Ah, love is in the air—or is that brimstone? It's always a bit of a kerfuffle when you fancy someone new. Their smile lights up the room, their laugh is music to your ears, and the way they drain the life from a room… wait, that last one isn’t typical unless you’re courting a demon. Here’s how to make sure your love interest won’t end up being your eternal tormentor (wink, wink).

1. Check for an Unnaturally Keen Interest in Your Soul

Does your new crush keep steering conversations towards deep existential crises or the ethereal glow of your spirit? Normal, right? Absolutely everyone discusses the metaphysical over cocktails and canapés. But if they’re more interested in the quality and purity of your soul rather than your favourite colour, you might want to reconsider.

2. Aversion to Holy Symbols: Not Just an Allergy

If you’ve ever thought it fun to wear a crucifix or carry around holy water (as one naturally does), observe their reaction. Does your sweetheart flinch, hiss, or come out with a rash at the sight of your fashionable silver cross? If so, it might not be the style they’re objecting to.

3. Late Night Calls? It Might Not Be Booty, but Brimstone

Everyone enjoys a bit of midnight romance, but if these calls consistently turn into philosophical debates on the merits of good versus evil or the allure of a ‘simple’ soul transaction, you might be dealing with a seducer from the lower realms.

4. Unusual Resistance to Selfies

If capturing a moment with your beloved is harder than nailing jelly to a wall, consider why. Is it just vanity, or do they perhaps, not show up in photos? Or worse, do they appear surrounded by an eerie, ethereal flame?

5. Their Idea of a Hot Date Involves Literal Fire

It’s delightful to meet someone who suggests adventurous dates. Still, if these involve pentagrams, chanting, or visiting quaint, secluded spots like crossroads and ancient ruins under a full moon, one might pause to ponder the implications.

6. Watch for Over-the-Top Declarations of Love

It’s charming when someone is into you, but if they promise you the world, eternal life or hint that they can offer pleasures 'no mortal has ever known,' it's not just a red flag. It's a blazing inferno of a warning sign.

7. Their Friends List Includes Historical Figures Known for Notoriety

Meeting the friends is a crucial step in any relationship. However, if their most charming pals include the likes of Hades, Lilith, or any souls curiously named after the seven deadly sins, you might be in a deeper relationship than you bargained for.

8. Charming to a Fault

Yes, everyone likes a charmer, but if their silver tongue can talk you into circles, leaving you dizzy from too-good-to-be-true compliments and offers, remember: the sweetest poison is often the deadliest.

9. Offers That Sound Too Good to Be True

Lastly, if they ever offer you something in exchange for 'just a kiss' or 'a simple signature,' it’s probably not a mere metaphor. You’re signing up for more than a relationship; you’re probably inking a pact with eternal consequences.

So, tread lightly, dear reader, as you navigate the murky waters of romance. It’s all too easy to fall head over heels—or into a pit of despair. Keep these tips in mind, and perhaps you’ll avoid an infernal heartache. Or dive right in; after all, who doesn’t love a bit of danger in their love life?