A Gamer's Guide 227 (Patreon)

“Everything alright, Goss?” someone asked.

The words themselves wouldn’t have been enough to snap him out of his daze if it hadn’t been for who said it. Turning his wide eyes left and right, it took a moment for him to remember that the person he sought wasn’t at his eye level—he was much smaller. Almost the size of a wooden toy. Goss looked down at Kitty with a smile he didn’t feel. “Oh, um… Yeah, I’m okay, Kitty.”

Despite being a human, Goss had never felt any trouble reading Kitty’s facial expressions. Sure, he could look as blank-faced as an owl at times, but even then, Goss felt confident that he understood what his closest and only friend meant. Right now, going by the way the little human’s brows were furrowed, his thin, pale lips drawn into a tight line, Goss could tell with fairly good certainty that Kitty was suspicious. “...Really?”

Memories of stern lectures explaining the virtue of honesty flashed through Goss’ mind. He knew Kitty only wanted what was best for him, but still… “I’m okay,” he said again, withholding the little fact that ‘okay’ didn’t necessarily mean ‘alright.’ To shift the conversation, Goss cleverly pointed at Kitty’s now exposed chest—at the brand he bore on the right side of it. A brand Goss had never asked about. “Better question, are you alright? I mean… That brand…”

Happily enough for Goss’ communicative abilities—or, rather, lack thereof—Kitty could read him well enough to infer what he was asking about.

Touching his fingers to the brand, Kitty let them run through the grooves, imperceptibly wincing at the pain, though it was clearly more of a physical than a mental response. There was a small smile on his face, though it didn’t reach his eyes. “Yeah, this is… I got what I had coming for me. Heh, painful as the dickens, or however you call it, but… Yeah. If nothing else, it reminds me not to be an idiot and do stupid shit.”

“Has that worked?”

Kitty looked up at him. The small shadow creeping across his face went away, the smile he wore finally reaching his eyes. “I’d say so.” His smile quirked up into a grin. “Or, what? Are you trying to say that I’m doing stupid shit now?”

“N—no!” Goss said, drawing his wings in front of him as protection. “I was just—”

“Will you two quiet down?” came Kempt’s harsh response. “This isn’t the time for bickering like children.”

The two bickering children fell silent, sharing a look between them that effectively conveyed their emotions. Kitty rolled his eyes, and Goss smiled at him—an honest one, despite everything.

“No need to fret over it,” Father said, his soft voice hoarse from all the talking he’d done. Somehow, Goss knew it’d only get worse as the evening went along. The small former raised himself to his feet, straightening out to look at the few people gathered. “It’s time.” The mere words sent something cold and sharp through Goss’ chest. Had Father turned to look at him and not Kempt, he would surely have passed out right then and there. “Kempt, will you please fly ahead of us to the chasm of absolution to ring the bell?”

Bowing deeply, Kempt spoke reverently, saying, “As you wish.” Always the show-off.

Then again, if Kempt went to ring the bell, it meant Goss didn’t have to go to the chasm of absolution quite yet. It meant that, for a few minutes more, he could keep being with Father and Kitty and Ymir, as though none of what was happening was actually real. If Kitty had heard his thoughts, he would no doubt have said that it was useless to prolong the inevitable, and that rejecting reality was dumb. But he couldn’t help it. The world he lived in right now, and the world that would arrive in less than an hour was a terrifying unknown.

Even though he was so much bigger, Goss scooched closer to Kitty where they both sat. And Kitty, without saying anything, leaned into him. Who could have imagined it? A small, vulnerable little human, taking comfort in a dragon.

And, even worse…

Goss allowed himself to lean against Kitty.

For the past month, Goss had lived in a wonderland. He had been happy. Happier than he’d ever been as a kid or even as a dragon. Dragons didn’t trust each other. It was part of the deal. The other whelps were, in the long run, his future political rivals. Even if they joined the same party, they’d always fight for superiority. There was no such thing as friendship.

But Kitty… This little human…

He was effortless in his camaraderie.

It took days for Goss to work up the courage to suggest going to a nearby nation, or to ask if he wanted to watch the weekly shadow-puppetry together in the main hall. But all his fears, all his reluctance, it was all for nothing. Because after all that, after all his worries and woes, Kitty would simply say ‘Yeah, sure,’ and that was it. He didn’t make Goss feel stupid. He didn’t arbitrarily insult him. When Goss was down, he never felt like Kitty would turn him away.

He was the brother he wished he’d had.

He’d had a brother, back when he was still a skinnie, but he… He wasn’t like this. This was different, and it was better, and the thought that in less than an hour it’d be gone, just like his last brother… It terrified him.

Becoming a four-winged dragon meant to lose oneself. Goss knew that. Before Kitty arrived, Goss had spent hours asking Father about what four-winged dragons were like. Among the dragons, Father was one of the few who had met one and survived. More importantly, he had known the person before they ascended. He knew what they were like.

To be a four-winged dragon was complete apathy. There was no god of four-winged dragons because they were inherently godless. Even mumblers were still dragons, but four-winged dragons… All gods rejected them. Father had even said that when you became one, your mind was made into a blank slate, and your soul reworked. You were no longer yourself. You were no longer anybody.

That concept had made Goss beyond excited.

But now, as he stood before the gates of such a life, he could no longer find the same attraction in severing all contacts to mortal life. Losing his arms and gaining wings in their stead meant he could no longer hold Kitty. As a four-winged dragon, he could never again attend mass, or help Father down from the church. He wouldn’t be able to return to Loathe Summit, and he could never meet Kitty again.

Because either Kitty would leave, or they would fight, and be separated by death.

“Hey, Goss?”

Goss snapped out of it. He looked down to find Kitty in his hand, not at his side, and they were… walking? This tunnel… He couldn’t recall ever seeing it before. How long had they been walking there? He couldn’t remember, and the realization that he couldn’t recall how long he’d been zoned out was even worse.

Kitty frowned up at him, his pale face filled with worry. “I’ve been trying to talk to you for a while, but you seemed really out of it…”

“It’s okay,” Goss lied. A brief glance down at his friend convinced him that even if he caught the untruth, he wasn’t about to rightfully scold him for it. “I’m just, um… excited about the killing. Heh. As a proper soon-to-be four-winged dragon should be, you know.”

Going by the wrinkle forming between Kitty’s eyes, he wasn’t about to let that lie slide. “You really shouldn’t—”

Heavy breathing aft reminded Goss that they weren’t alone, something Ymir and his shoulder friend were quick to point out. “Please,” Ymir said, his voice heavy with exhaustion. “Continue walking. Prolong this no longer.”

“Y—yeah, sorry,” Goss mumbled, quickening his pace just enough to create a gap between himself and the people following him. Dissociating too hard was clearly not good for him, as he now had no idea why he was the one leading the way. If he was lucky, this was the only way, and he wouldn’t have to deal with any forks in the road. If he was unlucky, then Father had spent minutes explaining exactly how and where to go, and was counting on him to get them there.

Goss felt himself start to sweat.

A tiny hand squeezing his finger almost stopped his heart in his chest. He looked down at Kitty, feeling his worries melt away because he knew that as long as he had his friend, he’d be okay. “Hey, um, Kitty… Are we going the right way?”

“A hundred percent. I sniffed it and the tunnel only goes down one way. If you’re wondering, at this rate, we’ll be there in a minute or so.” He smiled up at him, relaxed and easy and confident that Goss wouldn’t mess it up somehow. “You’re doing great.”

A little quake passed through Goss’ chest. In a minute, he might not be doing so great. But, for now, he still had his friend. His closest friend. In a way… his only friend.

Not trying to think too much about it, Goss squeezed Kitty closer to him, feeling something tiny crack in his hand. He looked down at Kitty to find him making a disappointed expression. “Come on, man, how many times do I have to tell you?” Kitty said as he began to absently bite off his own fingers. They’d heal within a few minutes, but it still made Goss feel guilty.

“Sorry,” he said. “I can’t help it. You’re too tiny and squishable. Maybe if you’d eat more meat, you might grow a bit bigger and become like me.”

“That’s a low blow, Goss!” Kitty said with a laugh. “I’ll have you know, nowadays, I—” Suddenly, the small human fell quiet, brows furrowing once more into a contemplative expression. “Actually, now that I’m thinking about it, I can’t remember the last time I ate anything that wasn’t meat…”

“I can,” Goss commented simply. “Five days ago, when we went to the edge of Ret-inn, you ate a bunch of suspicious mushrooms. But then when I wanted to try them, you said I’d probably die, so I didn’t, even though you seemed to think they were totally scaly and yummilicious.”

“Did I?” Kitty mumbled. “Oh, yeah, I did! Well, I’m not surprised a medieval guy like you doesn’t know, but fungi are actually closer to animals than they are to plants, so I’d sooner count it as flesh.” The words flew straight over Goss’ head. For one, he didn’t actually know what a fungus was. However, with the help of context clues, he could infer what it meant. Even then, though, the science refused to sink in. After a few seconds of stunned confusion, he decided to simply accept it. By that point, Kitty had already started speaking again, muttering, “Kind of amazing that you’d remember that, though…”

“The reason you don’t must be because of the mushrooms poisoning you,” Goss hypothesized. Like that, he didn’t have to admit that he remembered because every day they’d shared for the past two weeks had felt numbered. Since he only had fourteen days with Kitty, he decided to put them all to memory as best as possible. Maybe if he could recall each day in detail, he could cling onto it when he became a four-winged dragon. That way, when he fought Kitty, he would know him enough to spare him. That’s how the wolf tales went, at least. “Either that, or it might be because I dropped you when we were flying away, but I apologized for that, and—”

“Yeah, of course, don’t worry about it,” Kitty said. One thing Goss liked about Kitty was his honesty. If Kitty said not to worry about it, Goss wouldn’t worry about it.