Snek is a Good Boy Pt 20 (Patreon)

Saving Private Mousey

[A/N: This chapter commissioned by @Fizzfaldt and beta-read by Lady Columbine of Mystal.]

Glory Girl

They emerged from the teleport portal—what Snek had called a 'wriggle-hole', if Vicky recalled correctly—into open air, over a large city. Her guess was Manhattan, unless those were two totally different Twin Towers in the distance. As a flier, she'd studied aerial photos of most of the major US population centres, just in case. But she didn't dwell on that for very long, because what was in front of both of them was a hell of a lot more important than 'where the hell am I?'.

None other than the goddamn fucking Simurgh was hovering over an apartment building, way down below them. Vicky wasn't sure what was worse; the fact that the Simurgh had chosen to visit New York, that she herself was currently in New York while the Simurgh was there, or that nobody else seemed to have the faintest idea of what was going on. Even the Endbringer sirens were silent.

Given that last data point, it would've been tempting to dismiss the supposed presence of the Simurgh as a cape trick of some sort, but Vicky never doubted its veracity for an instant. She could feel waves of influence beating on her mind, attempting to sway her into believing that nothing untoward was going on … and getting absolutely nowhere.

While she held a high opinion of her ability to take a hit—any hit—and keep on going, that didn't apply to mental attacks. Mind control was one thing she was legitimately terrified of, and to which she was just as vulnerable as any other teenage girl. Whatever was stopping the Simurgh's attacks from getting through, it was not her force field.

"Snek!" she called out as she flew downward alongside the now-falling snake. "Is that you?" Shielding my mind, she meant.

"Masster protectss Ssnek friendss," he replied blithely. "Gold princcesss girl sstop Mouss. Mouss not Mouss. Ssnek sstop turkey bird lady."

Part of Vicky's mind whited out for a second, trying to pretend that the giant talking snake had not just called the Hope-Killer 'turkey bird lady', and failing. Whatever the Simurgh had been called in the past—and she had surely been called many things, few of them complimentary—that absolutely had to take the cake. The cognitive dissonance was so strong that Vicky nearly missed the reference to Snek's Master—not something we've got time to talk about right now, dammit!—but the information that Mouse Protector wasn't herself definitely grabbed her attention.

Fuck. She's been turned into a Simurgh bomb. Is that bitch going to be hitting all of Snek's friends like this? This was something else she didn't have time to dwell on. "Got it." Accelerating downward, she started scanning the area for Mouse Protector's distinctive armour.

As Vicky veered out and around the Simurgh, the Endbringer turned and reached for her, only for Snek to arrive a moment later, wrapping his coils around the Simurgh's winged body. Vicky had an instant to register the shocked and surprised expression on the Simurgh's normally impassive features before she blinked out of existence. Wait, the Simurgh can teleport?

Again, this was something Vicky had to shove on the shelf of 'things we're going to have to talk about later, because now is Not The Time'—it was getting rather crowded—because she'd just spotted Mouse Protector.

She'd met the irreverent hero before, but only in passing. Never had she seen Mouse Protector unmasked, or even learned her name. But now, the veteran cape stood at the edge of the roof of the apartment complex, wearing all her armour save for the helmet, her face uncovered and her sword in her hand.

Okay, I can do this. She's been Mastered. I just have to stop her from doing anything bad until Snek can chase the Simurgh away. Then he can deal with it. She'd heard whispers about Snek's Master, and hoped they were all true.

As Vicky flashed down toward her, Mouse Protector looked up. The devil-may-care grin that normally adorned her face when she was thoroughly humiliating her foes had changed subtly; now it was cold and calculating. Vicky had been intending to tap her on the way past to put her on her ass, but as the sword that had sliced chunks off Leviathan came up and around, she acted on instinct and dodged aside at the last instant.

At the same time, Mouse Protector swung the sword. It sliced through the air with a sound like a razor cutting cloth, though Vicky suspected that bit was due to her imagination.

As she slowed her upward swoop and looked around, she wondered briefly if she shouldn't have pressed harder with the attack. If she hit the force field, she'd be on her ass anyway, right? Or the impact would've knocked the sword out of her hand. It had happened before. Being impervious to the first strike was sometimes very useful.

Then, as she registered the movement of air against her face, she realised that her force field was down. This was not the usual state of affairs. A punch barely carried enough force to knock it down, and while a sword blow would probably manage it, it shouldn't have stayed down for this long.

Looking down at where Mouse Protector was—still standing, still holding the sword—she saw a triangle of white cloth lying at the Mastered hero's feet. Wait, where'd that come from? She grabbed her cape and held it out to the side; to her astonishment, one corner had been neatly sliced off, as though cut with scissors.

Jesus Christ, she went straight through my force field and cut my cape! How the hell did she do that?

"Come on, let's try that again," Mouse Protector offered, holding out her free hand and doing her widely recognised 'come at me' gesture. Vicky had seen her do it with many villains on the news, and they'd always come off second best. "You're always so smug and irritating. People will positively cheer once I've removed a limb or two."

Simurgh bombs couldn't be talked down. Everyone was fully aware of that. But Vicky, even looking at the chilling expression on Mouse Protector's face, knew she had to try anyway.

"You're better than this," she urged. "You have to fight it. Fight her. You're a hero. I know you're in there somewhere."

Mouse Protector's features became strained. "Yes," she gritted. "I am a hero. I can fight this." She reached out, her expression pleading. "Take my hand. Give me strength."

"Drop the sword first," Vicky said at once. The acting was top-notch, but there was no way someone could break through the Simurgh's conditioning that quickly.

"Hah, not a chance in hell." Mouse Protector let the strained expression go, returning to the more sinister smirk. "No? Not falling for it? Why'd you even try if you weren't going to believe me?"

"Because I'm idealistic, not stupid." Vicky cast about, trying to figure out how to subdue Mouse Protector without seriously injuring or killing her. "You're basically a clone of the Simurgh in there, yeah? You do know that Snek ripped Leviathan apart and ate him, right? Said he tasted like chicken. He's gonna do the same with her too. You wait and see."

Mouse Protector laughed out loud; a high, carefree sound. It was eerie. She sounded exactly like she did in every video clip where she was kicking some lowlife's ass.

"It's not her in here with me, you idiot," she said scornfully. "I'm still me, just better. I can tell you every detail of my life. Did you know, I used to date Chevalier? He's a good guy, but I broke up with him because he's too much of a boy scout. I like a bit of bad in my bed."

Vicky's stomach clenched. She didn't know what would be worse; if Mouse Protector was telling the truth and exposing the underbelly of her life, or if she was making up details from whole cloth in a totally believable way. Either way, she couldn't afford to let the older hero keep talking like this. Even if Mouse Protector survived—and with the threat that sword posed, it was getting harder and harder to figure out how to take her down nonlethally—her career and reputation might never recover from the hit.

"Shut up." Vicky took a deep breath, and said it louder. "Shut up! You're not Mouse Protector! You're just pretending to be her!"

The sword spun in Mouse Protector's grasp; her expression was as mocking as her tone. "Go ahead. Make me."

<><>​

Snek

Snek is enjoying fight with turkey bird lady. Knows her name is really monster-Simurgh but thinks turkey bird lady is funnier. She has done something with Mouse to make her not-Mouse, but gold princess girl is there to stop Mouse from hurting other people.

Turkey bird lady can go from here to there like Snek does with wriggle-holes. She is trying to get away from Snek. Master has shown Snek how to smell monster-power, so she is always surprised when he comes out of wriggle-hole, but she does not like surprise. Snek does not understand. Surprises are fun.

Snek could swallow Mouse and put her in not-eat place, but would not fix. Turkey bird lady has done something to Mouse that only Master can help with, and if Snek tried to eat Mouse, turkey bird lady would attack another Snek friend. So Snek needs to end threat of turkey bird lady.

Wriggle-hole opens behind turkey bird lady and Snek tries to chomp on wing with big shiny ball in joint. Master has big collection of balls like that. They are very tasty, and if Master finds two the same, he lets Snek eat the other one. Snek hopes Master already has this one. Looks nice and crunchy.

Just as Snek's teeth close on wing, turkey bird lady goes away again. This time, she does not go near. She goes very far. Really high up, where no air. Snek has only been that high a few times. Very boring, nothing to do.

Snek pops out of wriggle-hole far behind turkey bird lady. She is staring down at world and smoothing wings and feathers. Snek has bitten one arm and some smaller wings off. They were tasty, but not as nice as crunchy ball in big wing will be.

Turkey bird lady is still staring at world. Snek cannot see face, but thinks she is worried. Master has shown Snek how to move in no-air-place. Wriggling carefully, Snek sneaks up behind turkey bird lady.

This time she loses two more wings and lots of feathers when Snek chomps down.

She goes away again.

Snek follows.

This is lots of fun.

Snek enjoys playing hide and seek.

<><>​

Glory Girl

The standoff came to a head when Mouse Protector pulled out a small rubber puck, held it for a moment, then hurled it far out away from the building. Vicky knew exactly what it was: a teleport marker. Without hesitation, she swooped after it and caught it, then crushed it in her hand.

She wasn't sure if Mouse Protector's markers could be placed on literally anything or if they required something over a certain size, but she was going with 'over a certain size'. The rubber resisted her strength for a moment, but she could bend steel in her hands so it didn't resist long. Bits and pieces of the puck fell toward the street below as Vicky turned back … just in time to see Mouse Protector throw two other pucks in two different directions at once.

Fuck it. Vicky knew that Mouse Protector was not in her right mind, but there was a limit to the amount of restraint she should be using. She was sure that Mouse Protector herself, were she in her right mind, would agree to this. Flying directly at the mouse-themed hero, she dipped down at the last second and punched the parapet, sending a spray of pieces at Mouse Protector.

The sword came out faster than Vicky would've believed possible, and the largest chunks were cut in half before they could reach Mouse Protector. More than a few got through the defence, but bounced off her armour without even leaving a mark.

"Mice try, Gory Girl. I rate that C for Cheddar." Mouse Protector saluted her with the sword, then vanished.

Great. Now she pulls out the mouse and cheese puns?

Vicky didn't even spend time thinking about the mangling of her own cape name as she flew out over the building, searching for where Mouse Protector might have gotten to. She'd seen the directions they were thrown in, but not how far, or where they might have bounced to.

There was nobody near where the first one seemed to have gone to, so she flew on. As capable as she was, she knew damn well she was in over her head. But if she took the time to send out an alert on her phone, Mouse Protector could kill ten people by the time she got as many words out. And she would kill people so long as she was under the Simurgh's influence; Vicky didn't doubt that for an instant.

The screech of tyres on asphalt got her attention and she accelerated around the corner, flying ten feet off the street. Up ahead, a car had swerved and struck a light-pole; one of its headlights was out, though Vicky couldn't be sure if that was because of the accident or due to Mouse Protector's attack.

For she had surely struck the car, carving off a large section of its front corner and possibly damaging the front wheel, which was probably the cause of the crash. Right at that moment, Mouse Protector was leaping from the hood of the car to land next to the driver's side door. Another slash with that impossibly sharp sword, and most of the door was sliced away, to crash onto the roadway.

As Mouse Protector drew the sword back to skewer the unfortunate driver, Vicky came hurtling in. She briefly considered tackling Mouse Protector, but the corrupted hero's reflexes were just short of insane, and she could probably both kill Vicky and evade the attack at the same time, thus making a mockery of the whole attempt. So instead, Vicky tried to play it smart.

Flying up to the front of the car, she slowed down just enough that running into the front of it wouldn't drop her force field; then she exerted her power in a burst of power and speed, shoving the whole car (disabled wheel and all) backward down the street as far and fast as she could. Mouse Protector's sword flashed in the corner of her eye, and she felt agony bite into her calf muscle, but then she was past the point of direct danger.

"Run!" she shouted to the people in the car. "Get away from here!"

Hovering upward as they obeyed, she looked for Mouse Protector, knowing the cut on her leg had to be pretty serious from the warm feeling of blood running into her boot. But right now, her priority had to be stopping the hero-turned-villain. She didn't have the option of stepping back and letting someone else deal with it while she tended to her wound.

Lazily, Mouse Protector flicked her sword so that the blood flew off it. She started toward Vicky, one measured step at a time. "Fly away, and I'll go after those people," she promised. "Fight me, and I won't."

Vicky opened her mouth to reply, but was distracted by the Simurgh appearing overhead, apparently hiding behind a building. She was a mess; her wings were even more chaotically disarranged than normal, she only had half a left arm, and several of her wings had no feathers at all on them. This was the worst shape Vicky had ever seen her in, in all the footage she'd viewed of Endbringer fights. Even more unexpected was the expression on her face: normally impassive in the midst of the destruction she caused, now she was showing actual fear.

And then, from above, Snek appeared out of one of his 'wriggle-holes'. Impressively fanged mouth wide open—seriously, Hookwolf at his most metallic looked less dangerous than Snek's dentition—he dropped straight down toward her, body held vertical as he fell. Vicky had heard of 'death from above', and had even applied the principle herself a few times, against Brutes and the engine blocks of cars, but this was a whole new level of the concept.

Mouse Protector raised her sword and pointed, and the Simurgh looked up; the last expression that Vicky saw on her face could've been most readily described as 'oh, fuck me'. Then Snek arrived with an impact that drove the Simurgh downward to smash into the asphalt between Vicky and Mouse Protector, his jaws clashing shut around the Endbringer's head, body and largest wing. The word 'chomp' probably sufficed, but Vicky still felt it was less than adequate.

With the Simurgh's legs and a couple of her minor wings still sticking out of his mouth, Snek grinned at Vicky, then flicked his tail around, knocking Mouse Protector clear off her feet. The sword flew out of her hand, tumbling end over end to land point-first in the street in front of Vicky. Mouse Protector struggled to her feet, only to be wrapped up in an unbreakable bear hug by the end of Snek's tail. Snek turned his attention to Vicky and nodded at the sword, then ducked his head in the same way he'd done when offering her a ride before. He was evidently polite enough to not speak with his mouth full, but the invitation was clear.

Pulling her cape off, Vicky wrapped it around her leg wound and tied it tight. It stained red almost immediately, and she was starting to feel woozy, which meant she needed medical attention really damn soon, but pre-Simurgh Mouse Protector had waxed lyrical about Snek's Master, so she decided to make a leap of faith. With her waning strength, she grabbed the sword and yanked it out of the asphalt. When she settled down over Snek's neck, she found herself slumping forward over his broad head. "Snek … don't feel so great …"

"Glld prnnccsss grrl hlld nnn."

Not my call.

<><>​

A Short Period of Awe and Wonder Later

"Almost done," Riley said. Lying face-down on the padded table with her head pillowed on her arms, Vicky knew she should be feeling the needle stitching her leg wound closed, but all that was coming through were faint tugs. "How are you doing? Any problems?"

Vicky shook her head. "Nope. I'm feeling pretty great, actually." She'd been woken up to the smell of delicious pastries shortly after her arrival. Somehow, they'd boosted her energy levels and made up for the prior blood loss. Since then, she'd been trying to get her head around the impossibilities she was seeing.

"Excellent." Riley made a couple more stitches, then seemed to tie it off. "This is enchanted thread—I have no idea how it works, but I know it does—which will speed the healing process, keep the wound clean, and vanish once you're healed. It won't even leave a scar."

"Not sure how Amy will deal with that," Vicky mused with a grin. "She's used to being the healer. Though I get the impression she isn't thrilled with that sometimes."

"Maybe she could come through to this world for a vacation," Riley suggested. "You can get up now, by the way. There'd be people down in the towns who could do with a bit of healing, but not as egregiously as they were back in Bet. She could have the leisure to stop and smell the roses in between times."

"I might mention it," Vicky agreed, rolling over and sitting up to swing her legs down over the edge of the table. One of her boots sat nearby; the other had been borne off, along with her cape, to deal with the sword damage and the extreme bloodstains.

Sliding off the table to land on her bare feet, she took a few tentative steps. Her calf muscle twinged very slightly, but showed no other sign of having been nearly severed by an insanely sharp blade less than fifteen minutes before. "Damn, you are good. Or is that magic too?"

Riley shook her head with a chuckle. "I don't do magic. I am actually that good. So thanks; it's nice to hear that I haven't lost my touch."

"Yeah, about that." Vicky tilted her head. "You're clearly from Bet, and you're a medical expert, but I don't think I've ever heard of you. If you don't mind me asking, how did you get here, and who were you back home?"

"You're thinking 'hero'," Riley said, a shadow seeming to pass over her features. "Think 'villain'. I was one of the worst of the worst. Then Snek brought me here, the boss dug all the crap out of my head, and I was given a second chance."

Vicky frowned. There couldn't be that many blonde-haired tweenage villains who specialised in medicine … "Oh." It was horrifically obvious once she looked past the overalls, the bright pink T-shirt and the brass-bound goggles pushed up onto Riley's forehead. "Oh, shit. Bonesaw?"

"I was," Riley said firmly. "Very much past tense. Turns out Jack Slash was a low-level Master. Ninety-nine percent of Bonesaw was his creation. The one percent was my powers. Take away the Mastery, and you get me." She shrugged, and offered a half-smile. "There's nothing and nobody waiting for me back on Bet, so I opted to stay and help out around the place. It's been fun."

As Vicky opened her mouth to argue that nobody could become a villain just on somebody else's say-so, she recalled Mouse Protector. The personality and mannerisms had still been there, but she'd been deeply, irredeemably evil. And Riley had absolutely given Vicky the best medical attention she could've asked for. "… right. So, uh, Mouse Protector? Is she going to be okay?"

"Sure." Riley tilted her head toward the doorway into the main workroom. "Why don't we go see?"

"Okay." Vicky followed her out into the high arched room, with what Vicky still had trouble believing was a real dragon stuffed and hanging overhead, where Mouse Protector was sitting in a comfortable-looking chair and chatting with Snek and his Master.

Up until now, Vicky had thought Myrddin had the 'wise old wizard' look nailed, but this guy just took it away from him. There was a level of gravitas to the Master of the Castle (the capital letters just slipped in there) that not even the members of the Triumvirate could muster, as well as a sense of deep and abiding power. As Vicky watched, Snek opened his mouth (now free of bits of Simurgh, she saw) and a multi-forked tongue passed out a softly silvery glowing orb to the hands of the Master.

"Thank you, Snek," the Master said politely. "This will also go well with my collection."

Mouse Protector seemed to be unconcerned with the comment, but Vicky looked up at the shelf where the orb was going, and at the long row of other orbs, glowing in different colours, that were already there. "Uh, excuse me. What … are those things?"

"They are the power cores to the same kind of creatures that plague your world," the Master explained, placing the orb carefully in its spot. "Each is unique, and offers new insight into how these creatures can be brought into being. Of course, if I end up with a duplicate, Snek finds them delicious."

"Yess," agreed Snek, his tongue sliding along the length of his mouth and back again, like that of a certain cartoon coyote. "Ssnek likess crunchy ssnackss."

Vicky looked again at the row of orbs. There seemed to be a lot of them. "These aren't all Endbringers … are they?" As far as she knew, only two had been killed (and eaten; that part was very important) by Snek.

"They go by different names in different worlds." The Master dusted his hands off, causing tiny sparks to fly. "Kaiju, Endbringers, Angels, the Horsemen, Great Old Ones … destroyers. City-killers. Designed to bring death and pain, and to distract me from my chosen duties. This is why I find it preferable for Snek to hunt and kill them, and return the cores to me."

"Right," Vicky said faintly. "I see." He doesn't have time for the Endbringers, so he sends Snek after them. Gotcha. I thought I was kind of important in the grand scheme of things. Haha, wow, nope.

"You get used to it," Mouse Protector said kindly, rising from her chair. Her sword, Vicky saw, was back in its scabbard. "And thanks, by the way, for keeping my attention until Snek could get to me. That was a thoroughly unpleasant experience, until the Master could get my head straightened out again." She put her hand on Vicky's shoulder. "If you ever get tired of New Wave, look me up; I could do with a competent sidekick."

"Uh … thanks?" This was not how Vicky had imagined her night would go. A random thought flitted across her mind. "Would I have to do cheese puns?"

Mouse Protector grinned. "Only if you have an Abondance of Emmental Feta-tude. We wouldn't want to create a Munster now, Spenwood we?"

As Riley laughed out loud, Vicky facepalmed.

Yeah, I walked right into that one.

Part 21