Snek is a Good Boy Pt 5 (Patreon)

Part Five: The Snek, the Bug and the Snake

[A/N: This chapter commissioned by @Fizzfaldt and beta-read by Lady Columbine of Mystal.]

Taylor kept a lookout all around with her bugs as she stood at the side of the road. It was a street much like any other, albeit more run-down than most, but it was in the northern part of the city, so that wasn't exactly surprising. The significance of the area, which would've escaped ninety-nine-point-nine percent of the population of Brockton Bay, was that Lung had died here.

Looking up at the building currently looming over her, she could easily see the gouges in the concrete frontage where he'd leaped upward and clung to the wall. His speed and strength, shocking at the time, were even more impressive when she was looking at the height of the leap from ground level. She knew now what she hadn't then; getting close enough to view the scene with her own eyes had been stupid and reckless, and that she'd come close to paying for that lesson with her life.

"You okay?" Danny put his hand on her shoulder.

She nodded, and dug her hands into the pockets of her jeans. "He was right here." Her toe tapped the deformed, grimy asphalt for emphasis. "The snake told him it was bad to attack children. He threw fire at the snake, then he threw fire up at me, then he jumped up at me, and that's when the snake grabbed him."

"And ate him." Danny shook his head, more in wonder than disbelief if she were any judge. "Well, as terrifying as it sounds, the snake saved your life. And got you to open up to me."

"And I'm glad I did." She leaned into the contact. "You helped give me some perspective."

"Every problem is the biggest problem in the world if you're looking at it from the inside," he noted. "Have you decided which way you're going to go with things? Independent, join a local team, or jump straight into the Wards?"

"Well, we don't really have many local teams, apart from New Wave." She took her hand out of her pocket to rub her nose. "And I don't feel like going maskless. Also, I know now exactly how risky it is to be out on my own."

He shrugged. "Well, less so since Lung died. The ABB's been more or less non-existent since that explosion in the middle of their territory. But yes, I'm still not comfortable with you going out on your own."

By silent mutual agreement, they turned and headed back toward the car. Taylor pursed her lips, considering the question that was still hanging in the air. "You know how I'm not thrilled about the Wards basically being my only real option."

Danny nodded. "As I recall, the phrase you used was, 'high school drama with powers'."

"On top of actual high school drama," she agreed. "So, can you think of a fifth alternative that isn't worse than going out on my own as an independent hero, unmasking with New Wave, joining the Wards or just trying to ignore the fact that I've got powers and can do some good in the world?"

"Well …" He chuckled to show that he wasn't serious. "You could always partner with the snake. That's what I call backup."

She giggled, a little shakily. "You shouldn't even joke about that, Dad. It was scary. Also, it ate Lung. Pretty sure every villain out there will be targeting it."

"I don't know about that," he said thoughtfully. "I saw on the news the other night about how it went through the drive-through at Fugly Bob's. Even paid for its meal. A couple of the Wards showed up and talked to it, but not a villain in sight."

"What?" Her head whipped around and she stared at him. "When did that happen?"

"Like I said, day before yesterday. You were tired from working out in the basement, so you went to bed early. Didn't you hear anything about it in school?"

That prompted an eye-roll. "You forget, Dad. I'm the social pariah. I'm spending more time using my bugs to keep clear of anyone who wants to pull bullshit on me than actually listening in on what they've got to say."

"Okay, got it." His jaw tightened, as it did with any reminder of the bullying. "How's it going with that, anyway? Do we have any more material for the lawsuit?"

Her father had been adamant about suing the school, but he hadn't wanted to go anywhere near Alan Barnes' law firm, so they'd found a different one. The lawyer who would be representing them, a Mr. Howe, had been nothing but helpful and encouraging for the whole process.

"A little bit." She waggled her hand from side to side. "They're still trying, but I think they're getting frustrated. You're serious about the drive-through thing?"

"Totally." He spread his hands, then got out the keys to unlock the car. "Look it up for yourself when you get home."

"Right." Once her door was unlocked, she climbed in. "I think it's time to jump back on my PHO account. If it's anywhere, it'll be there."

"Sounds about right." He fastened his seatbelt and started the car. "Also, I just had an idea about the other thing. Do you really need to be a hero?"

"Dad!" Scandalised, she stared at him. "I'm not going to be a villain!"

He raised an eyebrow. "There is a third choice, you know. You could monetise this. How many bug exterminators can tell exactly how many bugs are in the building before they even start? And how many can be certain about getting every single bug out?"

She blinked. "I … uh … oh." The more she considered the idea, the more she was sure she could do it. "Why didn't I think of this myself?"

Shifting the car into gear, he snorted with amusement. "Because nobody wakes up with super-powers and asks themselves, 'how can I make this into a boring nine-to-five job?' That's why."

"Oh. Right. But, uh … isn't there a law against using powers to make money?" She was sure she'd heard something about that in World Affairs.

He frowned. "It's not as hard and fast as that, but yeah, NEPEA-5 has provisions against purely cape-based industries. I'll have to look into it when we get home, after I check in with DC&H about whether they're ready to serve papers yet."

"And I'm going to be looking up PHO," she declared. "I want to see if it's the same snake."

"Because there are so many sixty-foot snakes in Brockton Bay," he teased her as they drove off.

She responded with the extremely mature and well-thought-out argument of blowing a raspberry.

<><>

Snek

Snek has been a good boy.

Riley has been nice to him. She thanked Snek for fast food, and gave him snoot-boops. Snek likes snoot-boops. Fast food was fun. Snek enjoyed Challenger snacks.

He helped Master do Master things, too. Master sent him to where demons were hurting people. Snek likes spicy food. Snek can count to ten but there were many more demons than that. Snek was very full, after.

Master said it is good to help Mouse. Snek likes helping Mouse, because she says nice things about Snek's hat. It is a nice hat.

Now Mouse is doing Mouse things, and Master said he does not need Snek for little while yet, so Snek is bored. Snek decides to look for new friend.

Snek remembers buzzy-bug girl on building when he ate shouty fire metal man. He wonders if she knows where to find more shouty fire metal men. The last one was not as spicy as demon, but still spicy.

He decides to go find buzzy-bug girl. City is big, but Snek can smell really good.

<><>

Coil

It was official. Thomas Calvert did not like what was going on.

He'd had almost all his ducks in a row for the Alcott abduction, then half the city went nuts after a giant snake ate Lung. The new cape he'd been planning on recruiting via the Undersiders didn't even get to meet them, and he'd had to abandon all his timelines because of inexplicable splitting headaches.

Since then, anytime he tried to split time for more than a day, the headaches returned or he started getting clear impossibilities as a result. And every time he had the Alcott girl kidnapped, it always went bad, usually involving something huge and scaly roaming through the base and hunting him down.

The worst bit was when he turned on the TV and nearly soiled himself when he saw the creature itself carefully wriggling through the drive-through at Fugly Bob's. At one point, it turned its head toward the camera and he could've sworn it was looking directly at him. Once it had its food, it vanished through some kind of teleport-portal, which didn't make him any happier.

His plans to foment city-wide instability had also struck a severe snag. In the aftermath of Lung's death, it seemed that Bakuda and Oni Lee had disagreed over who was to lead the gang; this had culminated in the Tinker's lab exploding dramatically and leaving a glass-lined crater. Nobody had seen either cape since, and the ABB's presence in the city had dropped away to almost nothing. Without the Asian gang to confront, the Empire wasn't causing nearly as much unrest as he'd hoped.

Picking up the phone, he dialled Tattletale's number. She had a talent of getting around blocks that stopped other Thinkers, so he wanted to know what she had to say on the matter. If he couldn't kill or suborn whoever was behind it, he wanted them out of the city by whatever means possible.

<><>

Taylor

It was much later by the time Taylor pushed back from her computer desk, having thoroughly combed through the PHO thread whimsically titled Our Snekky Overlord. It had been started by Mouse Protector, of all people, and included several selfies with her and the oversized serpent … wearing a normal-sized fedora on its enormous head.

His enormous head; apparently, Snek (he had a name) was a 'he', and Mouse Protector had waxed lyrical about his playfulness, his sense of humour, and his ability to eat supervillains whole. Because apparently Lung wasn't a fluke. He'd done it to Hatchet Face as well.

Also included (because why not) was a section of footage (taken by Mouse Protector using a selfie stick) showing the comedic hero riding on Snek's neck across what looked vaguely like Boston. There was a blow-by-blow portrayal of Snek helping track down and capture Ravager (apparently someone Mouse Protector had a long-standing enmity with), whereupon the villain was given the mother of all wedgies by hanging her from a lamp-post by her underwear.

The PHO reactions had been many and varied, ranging from 'this has to be CGI' all the way through to 'no shit, there I was when Mouse Protector came riding down the street on this giant snake'. The moderators had been pushed to their limits keeping things from exploding out of control, dousing flamewars as soon as they started, though things had reduced to relative sanity after Armsmaster and several PRT-affiliated sources had come forward to confirm Snek's existence.

Along the way, she had learned more ways to refer to snakes than she'd ever thought possible, from 'danger noodle' to 'nope rope' to 'slippery tube dude', 'hazard spaghetti', 'caution Ramen', 'dangle fangle' and 'panic pipeline'. Some of these made her giggle, while others induced a facepalm.

But even all that hadn't prepared Taylor for the phone videos of Snek just casually going through the Fugly's drivethrough down on the Boardwalk. She'd seen him in action before, but that had been at night, in the dark, and a lot of the action had been obscured by Lung himself. This time around, it was just … weirdly normal. Made all the more surreal by the two Wards who appeared on the scene and even had a short conversation with him before he vanished.

After that, Taylor was prepared to swear it was the same snake. (Or rather, the same Snek). That portal-travel was unmistakeable. "Wow," she said softly, and repeated something Mouse Protector had posted. "Snek is a good boy."

"Thank you," hissed a voice from just outside her window. "Buzzy-bug girl iss nicce too."

Taylor froze. She hadn't been keeping her swarm up and active while at home; this was an oversight she immediately swore she would never commit again. While she put out a call to every bug she could muster in the surrounding blocks, she slowly turned her head to see who had spoken.

An eye roughly the size of her head, with a gold-fringed slit pupil, looked back at her. It was inset into a gigantic scaly head, upon which was perched a stylish fedora, and somehow managed to convey far more emotion than a snake's eye should be able to. There was an innocent playfulness in there, and more than a little amusement. Of malice, there was none.

"H-hello?" she replied. "Snek?" For that eye, that head, that hat, could belong to none other.

"Hello," Snek replied. The head pulled away a little, then turned so that the other eye could inspect her. "Ssnek iss Ssnek. Buzzy-bug girl like to come out, bring buzzy-bugss, punissh bad men?"

"W-wait." This was moving too fast for Taylor. She knew Mouse Protector had worked with him, but she was a long-established hero. "You—you want me to come out with you?"

"Yess, buzzy-bug girl." Snek's mouth was longer than Taylor's arm, but he still seemed to smile. "Maybe Ssnek find another sshouty fire metal man to eat."

"Shouty fire metal— oh. No, I don't think there's any more Lungs out there. At least, I hope not." She was finding the conversation deeply surreal, but Snek was oddly easy to talk to. "We can still go beat up bad guys if you want to. But I'm pretty sure I'm not bulletproof. Or fireproof."

"Ssnek will protect buzzy-bug girl," the colossal snake replied, with a simple matter-of-fact air. "Punissh bad men iss fun. Even if not eat."

"Yeah." She nodded. "I can go with that. But I'm going to have to tell Dad first. I promised not to go out without telling him."

"Ssnek undersstandss. Ssnek alwayss tellss Masster when Ssnek visitss other worldss."

She wasn't sure she wanted to ask about 'Masster' or the 'other worlds' reference. Or rather, she wanted to ask, but she wasn't sure she wanted to hear the answers. Getting up from the chair, she indicated the door of her room. "I'm just going to go check with him. Are you okay to wait?"

The massive head nodded. "Ssnek iss good at waiting."

Well, okay then. Taylor trotted downstairs, then through into the kitchen and down into the basement where she retrieved her costume. Then she headed upstairs again, into the living room, where Danny was watching the news. "Dad?"

<><>

Danny

When Taylor went down to the basement, Danny tilted his head slightly in concern. She'd promised not to go out again in costume without notifying him first, and he didn't think she'd break her word without an exceptionally good reason. But ... he couldn't think of anything else she'd be going down there for. However, when she came back up—costume in hand—she came straight to him. "Dad?"

Muting the TV, he sat up straight and looked at her. "You're going out?"

She hesitated, which drew his attention even more strongly. "I … yeah. You know how you made a joke about me partnering with, uh, Snek?"

It took him a second or so to make the connection. "What, the big snake?" Where'd she get that name from?

"Uh … yeah. So, he's outside … well, my bedroom window. Inviting me to come out and beat up bad guys with him."

He blinked, slowly. "Wait, what again now?"

"Come on. I'll show you." She started toward the entrance hall.

With that sort of lead-in, he didn't have much of a choice. Getting up from the sofa, he followed her upstairs and along the corridor to her room. Where a giant snake was peering in through the window. A giant snake with a fedora perched on the middle of its gargantuan head.

"Hello," it said politely. "Ssnek iss Ssnek."

"Ah, hi." This was not what Danny had been expecting to do this evening. "I'm Danny. I'm, uh, I'm Taylor's father."

"Hello, Danny. Ssnek will keep buzzy-bug girl Taylor ssafe."

By rights, Danny should've been screaming and running from the room. But against all odds, Snek seemed … friendly. Approachable, even. It may have been the hat. "I like your hat."

"Thank you." Snek seemed to preen. "It wass pressent from nicce hat lady."

He wasn't sure how to address that, so he decided to go on to the topic that really concerned him. "Uh … you know Taylor's only new at being a hero, right?"

Snek nodded. "Yess. Ssnek knowss that. Ssnek will protect buzzy-bug girl Taylor."

"Good, good." He was running out of things to say. What did one talk about with a giant snake, anyway? "Uh, how do you like Brockton Bay? The city, I mean?"

This time, Snek's smile was unmistakeable. "Ssnek likess ccity. Many bad men to play with. Ssnek met sshouty fire metal man. Wass bad man. Ssnek ate him. Wass deliciouss."

And saved Taylor at the same time. "So … you only eat bad men?"

Snek nodded again. "Yess. Masster hass ssaid not to hurt children, and to only eat bad men. Ssnek iss a good boy."

"I can see that." Danny wanted to ask about Snek's 'masster', but thought it might be rude.

Taylor hustled in, wearing her costume. Pulling her mask over her head, she tugged her hair through the space at the back. "Okay, I'm ready to go."

"Got your pepper spray and burner phone?" Danny still didn't like cell-phones, but this was a special case.

"Right here." She reached over her shoulder and tapped the carapace on her back. "All charged up and ready to go."

"Okay, good." He gave her a brief hug; she returned it. "Take care, and call me if you need anything at all. Okay?" He wouldn't even have been condoning this excursion, except that he'd seen the selfies Mouse Protector had taken with Snek.

"Absolutely." She climbed out the window. Snek's head dipped down, so that Taylor ended up astride his neck. "See you when I get home."

It was hard to speak past the lump in his throat. "Kick some ass for me."

"Will do. Whooo!" The last whoop was occasioned when a weird hole opened in the ground in front of Snek and he dived into it, taking Taylor with him.

Half a second later, the portal closed, leaving no sign that there'd ever been a giant snake in his side yard. Shaking his head, Danny turned and left the room. It was a good thing that the TV was already on the news channel, because he was going to be paying very close attention to it for the rest of the evening.

Nobody ever warned me that being the parent of a superhero would be this stressful.

<><>

Coil

After a few days of nothing going wrong, Calvert had settled on a basic armoured car robbery. For the moment, everything seemed to be going according to plan. While the guards had locked the doors and bunkered down, the lasers wielded by his men were carving the back of the truck open. Another few million in the kitty was always a good idea.

The first indication of trouble came when a circular portal opened in the side of the truck, and that goddamn snake barrelled out into the midst of his men. Knocking them aside like skittles, it wrapped its body protectively around the truck, its sheer bulk shielding the lower six feet of the vehicle from their lasers. A sharp spike of pain shot through his head as he stared through the various helmet-cam feeds at the creature; he went to drop the timeline, but the other one had already vanished like the morning fog.

"Sir?" It was Hodges, the nominal leader of this mission. "What do we do?"

He was already committed. "Lasers, full power. Kill that thing."

"Copy that." He heard the orders being passed on, then all his men fired their lasers at the gigantic snake. A smile of grim satisfaction crossed his features; getting rid of it had always been in his plans, but this was too easy.

Right up until bugs started swarming his men. Yells arose as faceplates were obscured. More urgent shouts rang out as the bugs began (he suspected) crawling into their clothing and seeking flesh to bite and sting. And then, as they were distracted, the snake's head loomed unexpectedly out of the curtain of bugs to delicately snatch the rifles from his men's hands with what looked like a prehensile tongue. One after the other, so neatly and precisely that it had to have been pre-planned, they were disarmed.

Nobody hung on to their weapons for even a few seconds. With the size of the jaws on that thing, it could easily have made 'dis-arming' a much more painful and permanent affair. As much as Calvert wanted to blame them, he couldn't.

It's that other cape, the bug controller. They're working together. As unpalatable as it was, the conclusion hadn't been hard to reach.

"Retreat!" he ordered. "Get your men out of there!"

"We can't!" Hodges broke off, hacking and coughing. A moment later, a wall of scales appeared in front of him and knocked him backward, off his feet. "It's—kack—everywhere!"

And then the helmet cameras started blinking off, one after the other. As the last one went dark, Calvert slumped into his chair. The headache was pounding harder than ever, preventing him from accessing his power. Wherever he went, whatever he tried to do, this thing thwarted his wishes.

With his eyes squeezed shut, he accepted the inevitable. Fuck this. I'm leaving town.

Maybe he could make a start somewhere else. As far as he was concerned, the snake could have Brockton Bay.

<><>

Taylor

"Well, that was fun," Taylor said brightly, leaning against the side of Snek's head. She'd been careful to take cover while he assaulted the armoured-car robbers, and her swarm had made it a lot harder for them to fight back. All they were waiting for now were the cops. "Did you have fun, Snek?"

"Yess, buzzy-bug girl. Ssnek had fun. Glowy-light thingss were tickly." Snek rubbed his head up against Taylor like the world's biggest puppy-dog, begging for skritchies. She obliged, then gave his snout a pat. He seemed to enjoy that, too.

She had to admit, being a hero was a whole lot easier with a giant laser-proof Snek around.

<><>

Snek is happy. Snek has been a good boy.

Part 6