Bradley's Guardian Angel (Patreon)

Inspired by a Reddit Writing Prompt:

Just before puberty, everyone is assigned a Guardian Angel. Most just get lowly cherubs; the lucky ones get archangels. You, on the other hand, are assigned Lucifer as your Guardian Angel. Neither of you is happy about it.

Bradley trudged through the school, his backpack over his shoulder. All around him, his friends and schoolmates ebbed and surged, forming groups and heading off to class. More than a few had their heads turned, some whispering and some outright talking to empty air.

Of course, it wasn't really empty air they were addressing. Nearly everyone in his year had gotten their guardian angel, and of course they were all still adjusting to it. Once people had their angels for awhile, they were able to communicate with a few sideways glances and a murmur or two. The lucky bastards with archangels instead of lowly cherubs could learn in time to mindspeak with their angel, and pretend they weren't doing anything amiss.

Everyone wanted an archangel, but there weren't enough to go around and the sad truth of it was, not everyone rated one. You had to be Good with a capital G to get one of those on your shoulder; not only could they give you sage advice (better than a cherub could offer) but they could also offer a certain amount of protection from harm. Which was better than just yelling 'Watch out!' which was all a cherub was really capable of.

Everyone knew who was 'angeled up' and who was still bereft. It was really easy to tell, just by looking. Bradly knew someone who'd pretended for a whole morning to be talking to her (nonexistent) angel, only to be kindly informed by her best friend that everyone else's angels could see there was nobody on her shoulder, and they were all laughing at her. The angels, not the people. They were dicks like that.

So, shoulder still bare of any divine presence, he went into his first class of the day. There he saw his best friend Tyrone, and took the desk next to him. Like Bradley, Ty was also lacking an angel, and he took a certain cold comfort in sharing membership in the Angel Minus Club, a group that was getting smaller by the day.

"Hey man," he said. "How's things?"

Ty turned to him, and Bradley's heart sank as he saw the broad smile. "Got my angel today," his best friend blurted. "Check this out." He concentrated, focusing on the wish as anyone could do, and a gorgeously robed figure faded into view over his right shoulder. The nine inch tall angel--a cherub, as far as he could see, taking the form of a beautiful blonde lady, complete with tiny halo, perched delicately on Ty's shoulder--waved hello to him, before fading out of view again.

"Awesome." Bradley tried really hard to be happy for Ty. Getting your guardian angel was a big day in anyone's life. He did his best not to feel envious that Ty had angeled up before he had. Somehow he'd thought they'd get their angels at the same time, and that their angels would be best buddies, just like they were. This wasn't always the case. He'd heard of people getting divorced because their guardian angels had grudges against each other. "What's her name?"

"Fylariel," Ty said, pronouncing the name carefully. "She likes the same TV shows as me, and she says she's good at math, so that's a good thing, right?"

"Well, she couldn't be much worse, I'll say that much," Bradley said, forcing a chuckle. Tyrone was crap at math, and to have a tutor on call basically twenty-four-seven could only help his grades. Bradley had tried from time to time, but he was only mediocre himself. He could see where Ty was going wrong, but he didn't know how to help his best friend.

"Asshole," muttered Ty, slugging Bradley on the shoulder. "Ow!" He winced, rubbing his ear. "Uh, sorry, Fylariel. Didn't mean to swear."

Which was the downside of having a guardian angel. They looked after your best interests, and they helped you out, but they also had standards. It wasn't like they could do much more than pinch you on the earlobe, but he'd heard they could really make it smart.

Still, he couldn't wait to get one of his own. He was okay with toning down his swearing, and some of the bigger companies refused to hire someone without a guardian angel. He wasn't sure how this could happen. Rumour whispered that some people never got one, or worse; if you really did bad things after you got an angel, they might just abandon you. A shiver went down his spine. He didn't want to be one of those people.

School went by, as school does. Bradly hung out with Ty, and even engaged in an awkward three-way conversation with him and Fylariel, who seemed to at least tolerate him for the time being. She had a rich sense of humour, and a broad range of interests. She promised Bradley that she would make sure Ty got his math homework right for once.

The school day over, he rode the bus home. It was half a block to walk to his front door, and he let himself in, tossing his backpack into the corner as he closed the door.

"Bradley, is that you?" His mother emerged from the kitchen, wiping her hands on a towel. "How was school today?"

As every schoolkid everywhere will answer, he said, "It was okay." She seemed to be waiting for more, so he told her about Fylariel and how she was going to help Ty with his math problems.

"Oh, that's wonderful," she said happily. "Simon and Gail will be so pleased! And Lonabar and Tyrasel too, of course." Just for a moment, a regal woman with long black hair and sweeping alabaster wings manifested on her shoulder, clasping her hands with joy. Bradley had no doubt that the angels would be communicating this over their own private network, so that everyone his mother knew would be aware of it by morning.

Heading upstairs, he went to his bedroom. He was a little sweaty from the bus ride, he figured, so a shower and a change of clothing would do him good. Just as he was rummaging in the dresser for his favourite T-shirt and jeans, he heard a gravelly baritone voice.

<What the hell? Seriously? Where are you sending me? Oh, come on now. You're pulling this shit on me? Do you even know who I am? Yeah, that's right, asswipe. You're dealing with the big leagues now. Do you even--hey! I'm talkin' here! Don't you--what do you think you're--don't even--shit-shit-shit-motherfu-whaaaa--oomph!>

The strange monologue ended suddenly, and he felt a tiny but palpable impact on his right shoulder. Blinking slowly in bewilderment, he straightened up and turned his head. Sprawled on his shoulder, wings awry, imaginary feathers slowly drifting to the floor, was a glowing figure. Far more than his mother's angel or his father's, or any other angels he'd seen. this one had radiant features, and even its wings glowed enough that if it had been physically present, they would've illuminated the room quite brightly.

"H-hello?" he managed. Despite the unconventional arrival--most people merely described a soft chime or even the angel's voice announcing itself--he knew this could be none other than his very own guardian angel! He was angeled-up at last! "My name's Bradley. Who are you?"

Shaking its head groggily, the angel sat up and looked around. <Well, fuck,> it announced. Slowly it got to its feet, smoothing down its robes and looking around. When it noticed Bradley, peering down at it, it jumped a good inch in the air, flaring its wings in surprise. <Shit! Don't sneak up on me like that, kid!>

This was the foulest-mouthed angel he'd ever heard of. And, now that he got a better look at it, it didn't seem to possess a halo. "I, uh, didn't sneak up on you," Bradley protested. "I even said hello. My name's Bradley. What's yours?"

The angel paused in mid-pat-down of its robes and stared up at him, its head to one side. <Say what again now, kid? You don't know who I am? Seriously?>

"I, uh, have no idea who you are. Just that you're my guardian angel." Bradley thought this was self-evident, but it couldn't hurt to reiterate the fact.

<Say what again now? I'm supposed to be your fuckin' guardian angel? In what fucked-up universe does this make any kind of sense?> The angel shook its head, apparently alternating between disbelief and anger. <Wait, you really don't know who I am? Not just playing dumb to pull ol' Lucy's leg?> It paused a moment. <Nope?>

Bradley shook his head. "Uh, no," he replied.

<Well, shitballs and hellfire. Kid, if I'm supposed to be your guardian angel, then neither one of us is starting off the day on top of the heap. I am the Morning Star, the Lightbringer, the fallen angel, the Lord of Lies, the King of Hell, Belial, Satan, Moloch, the Devil ... the one and only Lucifer!> The angel ended the spiel on one knee, arms (and wings) outstretched, head thrown back, as if it were proud of the fact.

"What."

It was the only thing Bradley could think to say. Everyone else got good, nice, kind angels--well, except where they made fun of kids who pretended to have angels--but he got the Devil? Not just a devil but the Devil?

<Trust me, kid, if you think you've got a shitty deal, I've got one ten times as bad. I'm supposed to sit on your shoulder and keep you alive, and give you good advice, instead of good advice, know what I'm sayin'?> Lucifer--if it was indeed him--gave Bradley the most knowing wink he'd seen in ... well, ever. <All of which is totally against my nature. I'm also supposed to be guarding you against committing the Seven Deadly Sins. Or as I call 'em, a great way to spend an afternoon. Which totally sucks. We'd both be better off if I just gave you pointers on how to do 'em right.>

"Wait, wait, wait!" Bradley waved his hands frantically, trying to get the angel's attention. "If you're the Devil, how did you end up as my guardian angel?"

Lucifer managed to look a little embarrassed. <Well, I kinda screwed up there, kid. Even after I ended up in the top job of Hell, I kept my angel credentials up to date. Technically I was still on the roster Up There, which meant every time one of those bloody stuck-up ponces saw the board, they saw my name, and were reminded that I still exist. Which had to piss them off, 'cause they'd much rather forget that me and the hot place have our role in Creation. But it looks like someone found that out. Hell being Hell, there's always a certain amount of jockeying for the top spot, which I don't always discourage.>

He flexed a tiny hand, and wicked-looking claws grew out of the tips of his fingers. <Because sometimes it's fun to just let someone think they're about to depose you, then disembowel them and toss 'em to the lower demonspawn. They crawl their way out after about ten thousand years, but they know their places after that.>

"O ... kay," Bradley said, to show he was still keeping up. "So what happened this time?"

<Skullduggery and smartarsery is what happened this time. I'm seriously impressed. I'll give 'em top marks for it too, right before I feed 'em their own arseholes. They somehow managed to tap into the angelic roster--trust me, we've got more hackers in Hell than they'll ever have in Heaven--and put my name down for the guardian angel pool. So when it came up and I ignored the summons, the buggers in charge of enforcement walked in, grabbed me, and punted me down the one-way chute to your shoulder. And here I am.>

"Wow." Bradley shook his head. "So ... what are you gonna do now?"

<Still working on that, kid. I’m a bit rusty on the rules for guardian angels. How do you get rid of one you don’t want?>

“Oh, um, I heard somewhere if you do something so bad it offends your guardian angel, they can leave.”

Lucifer sighed. <Well, shit. I invented bad, kid. There’s sins I created back in the day that you people haven’t even gotten around to committing yet, though I have to admit, you’re damned creative with the ones you do commit. I’d be honestly astonished if you could do more than mildly interest me. I mean, you’re what? Ten?>

“Twelve,” Bradley admitted.

<Interested in girls? The fairer sex? Just gonna say, what Eve tempted Adam with back in the day, it wasn’t actually an apple. If you know what I mean.>

Bradley felt his cheeks redden; he was pretty sure Lucifer had just said something dirty. “Girls are stupid,” he said firmly.

There was a sigh from the devil on his shoulder. <Welp, there goes Lust. How about Gluttony … yeah, nope, you’re nowhere near fat enough. Wrath? You ever want to just punch someone? Dig your thumbs in their eyesockets-->

“Nope, nope, nope.” Bradley shook his head. “I don’t like fighting.”

<Wow, we’re certainly running down the list here. Sloth? You ever just not feel like getting up and going to school?>

“Well, yeah,” admitted Bradley. “But I gotta go. If I don’t, I won’t get a good education.”

<Boy, do they have you brainwashed. Hmm … Greed, then. You ever shoplifted? Stole someone’s lunch money? Gone into your mother’s purse? No?> There was another sigh. <I gotta hand it to ‘em. They picked a winner with you. How about Pride, or Envy? You ever wanted what someone else had, or thought you were too good for everyone else?>

“Well …” Bradley drew it out.

<Yeah?>

“I did kinda want a guardian angel like my friend Ty had. But then I got you, so now I have a guardian angel.”

Lucifer grimaced and looked like he was trying not to pull out his own hair. <That’s not how envy works. You’re supposed to always want what other people have. Hey, now that you’ve got me as your guardian angel, I bet you feel pretty good about yourself, huh?>

Bradley shrugged. “Not really. You’re weird. You’re not like other guardian angels. And I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to swear so much.”

<Watch your mouth, kid. I’m supposed to be keeping you on the straight and narrow, not the other way around.>

Bradley shrugged. He didn’t know what to do about his guardian angel. Maybe Ty would have some suggestions at school in the morning.

The next day started out … strange. His parents had been uncommunicative over dinner, and in the morning they were positively standoffish, even stealing glances at him when they didn’t think he was looking. It was the same on the bus; nobody was actively rude, but people looked at him oddly.

He was pretty sure he wasn’t wishing for Lucifer to be visible; when he turned his head, his guardian ‘angel’ was reclining on his shoulder, hands behind his head, apparently engrossed in the ceiling.

<What?> asked the gloriously radiant angel when Bradley looked down at him.

“Uh … people are staring,” Bradley muttered. “Can they see you?”

<Nope. I’ve got a glamour up. But I’m hella powerful—see what I did there?—and there’s always a little bit of energy leakage. With me, a ‘little bit’ equals a lot. So they’re getting a weird vibe from you, but they’re not sure what it is.>

“Oh,” said Bradley. “I guess I see.” Getting his guardian angel, he decided, wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.

He got off at the school and headed inside. If he’d thought people were staring on the bus, here they weren’t even pretending not to. When he walked into home room, every head in the place snapped around at once. Never had Bradley been the centre of attention for so many people before.

<Okay, the dweebs are starting to panic a little. Time to put a stop to this. Dropping the glamour … now.> Lucifer stood up on Bradley’s shoulder, flared his wings slightly, and cleared his throat. <Okay, everyone, calm the fuck down. This is not an invasion. I repeat, this is not an invasion. I’m here as a guardian angel only. Temporary situation, I can guaran-fucking-tee it. Once I’ve got this sorted out, I’ll be … ahh, fuck it.> Slumping a little, he sat down in Bradley’s shoulder.

“What’s the matter?” asked Bradley. “Why’d you stop?”

<Because they’re not listening. Check it out.> Lucifer negligently waved a hand and all of a sudden, Bradley could see them. All the guardian angels for all the students in the room, and the teacher as well. They were all plastered against the back wall, pressed up against it, eyes wide … with terror. They were all scared of Lucifer, he realized.

“I didn’t think guardian angels could leave their people,” he said slowly.

<Pretty sure they can’t.> Lucifer shrugged. <What can I say? I’ve got a way of getting people to break the rules.>

“Bradley, what’s going on, man?” Ty sounded more than a little rattled. “Why has your angel scared Fylariel so badly?”

Bradley sighed. “Because mine’s called Lucifer.”

The whispering spread across the classroom, and Bradley was certain he knew what they were saying. The other names of Lucifer.

<Okay, fuck it, glamour going on again.>

As the other kids calmed down a little (probably due to their angels returning to them), Bradley found his seat. Having the Devil as his shoulder angel, he decided, was a pain.