A Difficult Week (Patreon)

Hi patrons. James here.

It's been a difficult week, to say the least. And right when I was feeling at my lowest, I was hit with unthinkable news: the sudden departure of Tony Todd, which we learned about on Friday. He was only 69 years old. Same age as Bowie and my dad when they passed.

It's difficult to figure out what to say. Yes, obviously, Tony Todd was a horror legend. He was Candyman. He lent his voice and stature to so many projects, from Final Destination to Hatchet to the Scream TV series. He was a prolific actor outside of horror, too. I don't watch Star Trek, but I've heard his episode of DS9 is among the franchise's best.

Tony was also a friend. Not a close one - he wasn't someone I'd casually text, or get lunch with on a whim. I would never try to say I truly knew the man; he clearly had depths that I never quite breached in my friendly conversations with him.

But every time Chelsea and I would enter a convention hall where he was tabling, he'd see us from across the room. He'd give a big smile, a wave with his giant hands, and motion for us to come over. We'd feel so lucky as we made our way over to chat with him, however briefly. He'd give us hugs. He'd take a picture with us. He'd wish us well. He had the kindest soul.

Chelsea said it best Friday night: "This is such a huge loss. He really classed up the place."

And boy did he. He was an elegant man, often dressed sharp as a hook. And it wasn't just his appearance. He was someone who spoke so knowledgeably about the intersection of art and politics. Of course he did - he lived it. And he was never afraid to discuss it. Never in a combative way, either; Tony was a man of the people. He was always able to stand firm in his convictions without alienating anyone who may have disagreed. He was an ambassador of truth and righteousness. It can't be understated. This is a huge loss.

I first met Tony in person for the CryptTV show "Meat Up" in 2018, 6 years ago. We had lunch together at Jitlada, a renowned Thai restaurant in Hollywood (Tony had taste). It was the only "Meat Up" interview Chelsea accompanied me for, because she couldn't turn down the opportunity to meet Mr. Todd.

In that interview Tony talked about a wide array of subjects, all while delightfully getting me to try new foods. One of my fondest memories is when he talked about his cats. He even imitated them, and spoke in a little cat voice. It didn't make the final video edit, God knows why - that is golden content if I've ever seen it. I pray the footage exists somewhere.

That interview was the start of a few collaborations that included Tony lending his powerful voice to the first ever Dead Meat Horror Awards. The man opened the show for us. He was the very first thing anyone saw in our very first awards show. You couldn't pay to get that credibility - and we didn't have to. The man did it as a favor. As a friend.

I'll be honest with you, patrons, I'm struggling a bit right now. This was pretty bad timing after the election results on Tuesday. Those rocked me an entirely different way, one that has me questioning my ability to connect with my fellow Americans. I've tried to write out how I feel in the wake of the results - first on Twitter, which I wound up deleting, and then in a post I nearly published here. In the end, I took the 2000 words I had written and put them aside in a private notes document.

I want so badly to influence change and make things better. But right now I don't feel like I'm able to. I think part of it is my tendency to focus on solutions and nuance, which doesn't tend to go over well in the online space. But part of it is the realization that, honestly, who really cares what I have to say? I'm a horror movie YouTuber. No one cares.

In the past two days I've taken some steps to help my mental health. I've removed Twitter from my phone and muted any subreddits that have to do with politics or cultural topics. I've been highly plugged into politics for 20 years straight - it's always been an interest of mine. And part of me feels like I'm being irresponsible by disconnecting from what's going on. I know I'm only able to do so because I'm in a privileged position where, all things considered, my life will probably be just fine going forward.

But for my own sake it's something I have to do right now. I'm choosing to focus on my friends, my family, and my work. I'm going to continue being the best person I can be to those I interact with directly, and try to find fulfillment through new artistic endeavors. I'll still have to do Kill Counts to keep everyone fed, but I'll be cutting the output in half next year so I can try my hand at other things.

Not many people know this, but I decided to make Dead Meat (or at least, what would become Dead Meat) on the night of the 2016 election. I felt lost and hopeless, and wanted to find a way to influence an audience in a positive direction. I wanted to encourage people to be good.

Maybe I succeeded for a little while; maybe it was always a vain and egotistical idea. Regardless, I took the way I felt that night and pushed myself to take a big step. I created something. And whether or not it's influenced people in bigger ways, it's clearly been a success.

I'm going to try to do the same thing now, 8 years later. The feelings I have are similar, but different - there's not as much shock, since I've been through this before, but there is more alienation and disappointment, especially since Trump's victory this time was more decisive and included the popular vote.

Likewise, my response will be similar but different. I'm no longer going to focus on getting the biggest audience I can to listen to me. That time in my life, at least as Dead Meat, is probably long gone. Instead, I'm going to try to find truth and meaning in new artistic pursuits. They may not reach as many people, but hopefully their impact will be more profound.

This is something I've been wanting to do for a while, and it feels like the right time to do it. I gave the Kill Count my all in 2024, and I'm proud of the results. It's time to try something else, as scary and uncertain as it might be.

Life is simply too short to wait. We were all reminded of that on Friday.