A rundown of the crazy thing that happened last week (Patreon)

I dunno if I should really be even discussing this because 1) it's a private matter between someone who I don't wish to start a gossip-y "conversation" about, and 2) it was technically resolved, so there's technically no need to even go over it. But at the same time, after making a lot of promises this month and not being able to make them, I think I need to properly give some level of context as to what exactly messed me up so badly, plus it was just so fn buckwild that I'm still left processing it in hopes it will actually make any sense.

But like, I want to stress that I don't want this to be a "thing" for anyone to pursue, and me and the folks involved have worked together in mutual agreement to ensure that this be put to bed, so adding a disclaimer to preface things: if someone brings it up, this never happened.

With that out of the way, tldr: I spent the last week being harassed and bullied by someone who explicitly threatened to ruin my life.

I got into an awkward scuffle with this person (I'll just call them "Sam" for convenience) who I share a lot of social overlap with and, while I wouldn't say I was ever "friends" with them, I generally respect as a peer within the community and WANTED to be able to eventually get to know on a more positive level. Unfortunately, for all the good they contributed to folks around them, Sam had this habit in private of being intensely confrontational regarding certain topics, especially political matters, with their constant pressuring of negative and upsetting content (almost never anything positive or affirmative) steadily getting on my nerves and making me uncomfortable around them, as I am admittedly sensitive to negativity and don't like risking becoming upset any time I engage in a social group where that sort of stuff is to be expected.

Last week, Sam and another mutual friend (who I'll just call "Chris") were chatting about another upsetting topic again, and I asked -- to the best of my ability to remain in good faith -- how to really engage with them as friends and not have to risk potentially damaging my mental health by being exposed to uncomfortable conversations like this. Chris was sympathetic and understood where I was coming from, saying "yeah, we think that conversations like these are important, but I understand that if you need to dip for your own sake," suggesting that I probably just ignore them while in "serious political drama" mode and wait for later to chat with them again, apologizing that this type of topic made me feel uncomfortable. That's inconvenient, but also reasonable, and I'm glad we established an understanding and what our boundaries were on certain topics, and that is useful information going forward.

Unfortunately, Sam really did not like me asking this and began taking it extremely personally, quickly accusing me of trying to control their conversations and social group, calling me selfish for asking about how to deal with the upsetting topics they wanted to discuss. This wasn't something I appreciated, but also something I didn't want to push further (again, I already knew that Sam was very aggressive and borderline hostile with their opinions) and simply insisted that me establishing the boundaries within our group wasn't "selfish", and that I wasn't going to pursue it as such. Chris quickly recognized that things were getting a bit heated and broke it up between us, and while I felt bad for inadvertently trampling over the topic they were discussing and treating seriously, I was happy to just move on to something else less stressful, and so we quickly shifted gears.

That was, until not long afterwards, I started receiving more text messages from Sam along the lines of "okay, here's why you are ACTUALLY the selfish one here" along with rants about my behavior when speaking around them.... I immediately made clear to them "look, I'm not gonna pursue this further, do not talk to me right now." Sam didn't respect this and continued sending me angry messages, and so I blocked them.

I reached out to Chris letting them know that this was happening (who remained patient and understanding, apologizing for Sam's behavior), as well as what my plan was: I figured that Sam was still really upset by something I did, but could still be reasoned with once they calmed down, and that I should just give them time. I only planned to have them blocked for like 30 minutes or however long it would take for them to take the hint, and then reach back out to them when I felt enough time had passed for everything to have settled down for us to talk with level heads once again. I went to bed and waited til the morning to see if that would be the case.

When I woke up, I had found I received two messages from Sam while I was asleep: one from 6:30 AM of "Cosmo, we need to talk," followed by another at 7 AM of "never mind". I was confused by this, though I could definitively conclude that Sam did notice I unblocked them. My best guess is that they were meaning to talk not knowing where I was, and got impatient from me not responding. From that, I assessed that I should give Sam more time because the subject might still have been on their mind, but maybe they didn't trust themselves to be able to discuss it calmly yet, so I just went about my day and looked to seeing them chill out further before talking again.

Then at lunchtime, I received several texts out of nowhere of Sam explicitly threatening my life. "I can show screenshots of shit you've said that'll destroy your career. You're still lying to other people about me. If you ever fuck with me again, I will use everyone and everything I have to ruin you."

Sam also acknowledged a kinda-open secret regarding my personal history of being in a really bad past relationship. Sam threatened me further with "You've said you dealt with abuse in your life. I can get SO MUCH worse."

So uh.... yeah that freaked me out a lot. Definitely wasn't a good idea to talk to them anymore.

I contacted Chris again letting them know what the fuck just happened, and spent some time hashing out our potential options: me saying anything or showing my face to Sam AT ALL was probably going to be extremely dangerous, and it probably wasn't a good idea to let folks who knew Sam know what they just said to me, or even to say that they might be potentially dangerous at all because they'd definitely be able to connect it back to me and do some really frightening attempts at retribution towards me. After giving it extra time and thought, Chris offered to talk with Sam in private -- not regarding me or the beef Sam had with me, but just in general -- to check on see if Sam was feeling alright, like maybe they were dealing with some deeper personal matter making them upset. In the meantime, I agreed to lay low and just... not engage socially, partly because I was scared, and partly because like............ just......... no. I cannot deal with other people right now.

After a few days of quiet back-and-forth and correspondence with Chris, I did end up receiving an apology from Sam, who acknowledged that they were out of line for threatening me and assured that they'd leave me and my career alone. However, they also insisted that they hadn't "forgiven" me for what I'd done -- for "insulting" them and then "never stopping", insisting that I had done some offensive faux pas in asking for safety in a safe space -- and telling me to get out of their life.

This was a very backhanded exchange.... but whatever, I take the apology of acknowledgement that they in fact crossed a line, and ultimately agreed with them that it was for our best interests that we never speak to each other again, even though I wish that in a better timeline, we would have indeed become friends. Though like... responsibility on the matter it seems fell pretty much entirely on them to not be intensely hostile, so idk what I could've really done -- if that wasn't a path they were interested in and remain uninterested in, then good riddance.

Anyways... it's been rough. I talked further with Chris, and I apologized for them having been dragged into this whole mess that really wasn't any of their business; even Sam also apologized to them for getting them involved. I really need to reimburse them in some way -- having to figure out and mediate this situation fucking SUCKS.

Things have more or less stayed calm since then, and I'm only now just starting to get over what the hell just happened. Like... more than being scared by someone's intensely personal threats to my life, I'm just so confused as to why any of this even happened??? I literally said nothing to them after telling them to back off, and then the next day I just get some of the grossest shit I've ever been sent and am left thinking "huhh?????" It's mental..... and been really really stressful.

My mind has been a fog for the last while from exhaustion, and I've admittedly kind of lost track of time in the process. I really wanted to be able to get more artwork done, but the stress of this exchange and trying to make sense of it without giving myself another panic attack really threw off my rhythm and occupied my mind rent-free for way longer than I would've wanted. I feel like I should be getting over it by now, and I have been doing my best to catch up on my continually overdue projects (including the fairy sword comic, should be done in the next day or two), but this has still been a lingering thorn in my side I've needed to say aloud and process, and hopefully I can truly expel this and put it to bed for good and never have to mention it ever again.

Sorry again for the wait, and reminder: this didn't happen.

Thank you for understanding.