Well, how does it feel? (Patreon)

The first time I put on a strap on, I felt so lost. Hadn’t anticipated the identity crisis that would come with it. I’ve never thought about having a cock before, let alone what I would do with one if I was driving it.

“What do you fantasize about?” Was the question that sparked this project. When I was asked that for the first time, I had one, pretty lame fantasy about an obscure blond, wavy haired knight from the show “Merlin” that I’ve been replaying while touching myself since high school. It was pretty basic: village girl gets swept away by a handsome knight with sparkling eyes, sex ensues. Fin.

Lots of things aroused me, but I was too ashamed to think of them beyond the initial physical response. For example, Tim Curry in Rocky Horror Picture show was my first sexual awakening. I would visit my friend’s lake house every summer and the only two movies we had on VHS were that and Clue. (Tim curry is a recurring theme here and I’ve realized upon reflection that he may be the most influential sexual figure of my life) Anyway, I remember laying in bed and absolutely vibrating with arousal after watching that movie. My body was clearly feeling something but, I never allowed my mind to investigate why.

I never let myself fantasize because I felt guilty about it. I shamed myself into shutting those thoughts away in a dark corner of my mind and threw away the key.

Fast forward into my early 20s and restraint I had been keeping on my sexual imagination was taking its toll physically. Penetration started to become very pa inful for me, I couldn’t get wet and I feared I was broken. I thought, this is just something I have to live with now and the best of my pleasure was behind me. I mourned the loss of what I used to feel.

Eventually, I figured out the discomfort with diet change, lowering stress levels and most importantly, dismantling the fear I had built up around my sexuality. I killed it dead for stopping me from reaching my fullest potential and I started to let my partner take the time to warm me up instead of feeling guilty for taking too long. I started to think about things and ask, “do I like this?” “Does my body feel good when I open myself to this?” I was honest with myself and gave my mind and body the freedom to explore instead of shutting it down.

Now, I’m cool as a cucumber because this experience has allowed me to hunt down the fear that haunts other parts of my life and do battle.

My first boyfriend asked me to wear a strap on. I had never heard of them and I was willing to do it to please him, but I never once let myself think how I felt about it. I would have done whatever he told me to, without feeling a thing. We never got around to using one and I never re-visited my feelings on the subject.

Until now. Upon request, I dawned my dildo and this time, I took some time to think. I didn’t feel much in the beginning, and it became clear this was going to require more than a few minutes to find my arousal and my confidence.

Some things make me instantly wet ie: watching “Legend,” listening to Sleep Token, drawing monsterfucker smut or reading the blowjob scene in “A Court of Silver Flames.” Sometimes arousal is an instant, biological, subconscious response. But this challenged me a bit. I felt, nothing. It wasn’t like, an “I don’t like it” nothing, just, benign nothing. Upon further investigation I scented… insecurity and embarrassment lurking in the depths of my soul. I drew my long sword and prepared to enter the darkness.

What I found in the neglected dungeon was a rat king of tangled emotions about gender roles. I put my sword away and sat criss cross applesauce on the dusty floor of my mind and began freeing each rat one by one. I’ve always identified as female, especially in the bedroom. I was supposed to act a certain way to convey intimacy and sexuality. But I put on a dick and for some reason, my normal, default wiles didn’t appear ready for action. I was forced to think about who I was outside of gender roles.

It shouldn’t matter, I should just be myself. It’s just a cock, I can still be myself with a cock. But a part of me thought, “you need to act more dominant, more masculine.” And I didn’t know how because my whole life, I’ve been told not to do those things. No lie, it was a real mind fuck. I had to peel away societal expectations and listen to my body. What felt good? What are my true feelings in this moment? How do I want to act vs how do I think I’m supposed to act?

It’s still a work in progress, and I’ve come up with a few strap on fantasies that make me very wet, (I’ll have to draw them for you ;) but, I feel like I’ve cleared away most of the bullshit and now, when I put on a cock, I can just be, me. Pure and simple, free of external and internal boundaries and boxes. Not just a numb, unfeeling body going through the motions because someone asked me to.

I almost apologized for writing an essay, but I’m not sorry. I know many of you are here jerking off and I just dragged you into a thought experiment. But, the purpose of this is to clear the negative emotions to find deeper pleasure. I’m doing all this so I can make sure that when I’m loving others and loving myself, that love is full, pure and honest. The bedroom is no place for fear, shame and insecurity. Shutting parts of yourself away can have serious physical and emotional consequences. I say, look into those shadows and reach out your hand.

What kinks have you unlocked? Any that were game changers? Any that surprised you? Any that you think you might like to try that you’ve been afraid to? You don’t have to answer, just something to think about :)

Your imagination is a safe space, you don’t have to feel guilty for what goes on there. As long as you do things out of love and you’re not hurting anyone, you don’t have to feel shame. Try new things. Ask why until you can’t anymore and maybe you’ll find a piece of yourself that you’ve been missing.