Kisses (Patreon)

Hey guys! 

Happily thriving at 23 weeks pregnant! I've been feeling my creativity come back after months of trying to stay focused on being a freelance illustrator, pregnant lady and building our home! My husband and I started planning on building our own house 3 years ago and its finally happening! We've cleared the lot and the excavators are putting the foundation in as we speak. We are acting as our own general contractors so it's been a lot to juggle but, we are optimistic and excited to finally get this thing finished just in time for the baby in September. Most people are super supportive of our ambition but a few have said they are worried for us. I appreciate their concern but that kind of energy isn't helpful. I've been in more overwhelming situations before and what makes this phase of our life different, is the wisdom we have developed from facing the unknown is keeping us focused and unshaken. We love problem solving and thrive on risk taking. Tell us we cant and we'll prove you wrong. When this is all said and done and we're smiling from our self built home with our baby boy, Im going to get "Fear is the mind killer" tattooed on my arm, so I can remember, the only thing holding me back in life is the lies I tell myself, often placed there by society and naysayers. Thanks "Dune," for that one.

Instead of adding unnecessary stress to my plate and forcing myself to create content for both of my accounts, I decided to take a step away from social media to focus on myself, my closest relationships and my work. I've spread myself thin before and every instinct was telling me pregnancy was not the time to try it again. Im happily starting to draw again and have been filling sketchbooks for my SFW account with happy memories I've been making during these exciting times. I admit its taken me a couple more weeks to find my spark for the NSFW work again due to my changing body and transition into motherhood. 

When I found out I was pregnant, I immediately felt detached from my sexuality. Thoughts of, "I cant be doing this stuff if I have a kid" and "my body will never be the same" buried my sexuality under a familiar but newly camouflaged fear. I feared the changes my body would undergo during pregnancy, like weight gain and the inability to move like I used to. I feared The pain and trauma of labor and the aftermath of childbirth as well as exhaustion and complete self sacrifice to my child. People love to tell you how awful labor is and how tired you will be and how you never will have time for yourself when you're pregnant. Again, Not helpful. Top that with the same fear I felt when I met my husband; the fear of welcoming and surrendering to a new love into your life that is haunted by the shadow of losing it. 

In the first trimester I felt like I was sitting on an ocean cliff with a box full of my drawings, my lack of responsibility for a human life, my sexuality, my youth and any future hope of those cherished quiet moments when I could pop in my headphones and sink into a flow state of sketching, wondering if I should say my goodbyes and toss the box over the cliff. For months, I analyzed each fear and meditated on a positive mindset so that optimism became muscle memory. I searched for positive stories of birth and motherhood to drown out the negative ones people seem to offer with reckless abandon. I was reassured that I could continue being a children's book illustrator as well as use my NSFW work to fight against societal expectations of moms. I will make time for art because it gives me life and helps me grow, and I owe it to my son to continue to learn and strive to be better every day. I am prepared and equipped to take care of this child and have everything I need to keep him safe and happy.  I developed more and more affirmations that eventually gave me the resolve to stand up and walk the box back to safety where I promised I would never let go of the things that made up my identity. I know this may sound dramatic, but I feel if I didn't have this time of reflection and fear clearing with myself, I would have left the box on the cliff until a storm took it out to sea. I needed to face each one of my fears, establish its source and counter it with a rational, positive solution. by taking this time, I made a promise to myself, to mindfully hold onto self love and the creativity that gives me life. 

I did a lot of this work on walks with my dog and time alone but after organizing my thoughts I voiced them to my partner. He assured me moms can be very sexy and directed me to MILF porn on reddit.  He also assured me that even with my growing belly, like when I came off birth control and was stricken with severe acne, that I was still beautiful, In fact more beautiful than ever. We are taking birthing classes to learn how to manage fear and anxiety for a less painful birth. Even if I tear, wounds heal. We were built to do this and everything would be ok. Its crazy how difficult it is to look yourself in the mirror some days and say one positive thing about yourself and believe it. Sometimes we need to lean on others to lift us up and give us the momentum we need to be able to practice this kind of self love on our own. 

I think it's natural that when we encounter life milestones as humans we encounter fear and doubt. Milestones signify change and the passing of time, ultimately bringing us closer to death, the ultimate embodiment of fear. When faced with fear of change and the unknown, we can choose to numb the parts of ourselves that are difficult to reckon with or, face the changes with grace, gratitude and compassion. Every time I choose the latter, I find that I grow stronger, I am less afraid of death and the unknown and more grateful for every beautifully serendipitous moment I have on this earth. 

I remember as a young artist, I always wanted to draw people kissing but, the anatomy was too hard and I was afraid someone would find my drawings leading to shame and embarrassment. In honor of change, growth, acceptance and love, I figured I would practice drawing some folks smooching. I just googled "People kissing" and tried to focus on the tiny nuance of form that communicates and embrace in 2 dimensions. There are a million angles heads can be turned and lips can overlap. I feel like a kiss is as complex as drawing the many planes of a hand. With this exercise, I faced two fears; drawing people kissing and faced my fear of drawing the complex anatomy! I remember having the same frustrations when I decided to stop phoning in hands and study them. I've credited the photographers so you can check out the images if you'd like to practice, or see these lovely moments captured by the artist. 

Thanks for your patience while I was away! Im excited to get back to drawing and chatting with fellow artists online! 

Best wishes, 

Sabine