[MA] 268. Baptism of Self (Patreon)

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[Sorry for the delay. I'll release more information on what caused it later this week.

Long story short: 1. shit happened; 2. I'll release all delayed chapters throughout this week and the next.

Chapters this week: 1/3

Delayed chapters: 2 

Next release: Tomorrow or Thursday]

In the demonstration's first stage, Liya pointed out Shen's problems while he did the same for others. Meanwhile, the participants kept growing weaker and closer to a place in power where those problems had appeared.

The demonstration was about finding and fixing foundational issues and weaknesses. Such problems were easier to spot and tackle when the Guardian was closer to their foundations. Luthdel's problem with his Path, for instance, was much easier to solve by getting in touch with the very basis of his Path at the Conceptual level instead of the Laws he had trouble controlling.

Shen was no different. It was easier for him to make better decisions about his body and how to use his Path at a lower level now that he knew who he would become at a higher level. It was as if reaching C-rank was like building a house, but he had no idea what kind of house he was building the first time he got there. Instead, he had just laid a generic foundation and made things more or less at random. The most significant evidence was how he had picked his heart for his core because he didn't want to focus on his arms or legs; rather, he had thought of himself as a generalist fighter.

Now that Shen knew what awaited him further down the road, he could fix some structural issues. He knew how he liked to fight and his Path, so he could change a few things to maximize his advantages and decrease his weaknesses.

For instance, Shen decided he wanted to focus on speed instead of unpredictability. He felt being too fast for his enemy to kill spoke closer to him than moving in a way that confounded his enemy.

His speed was still limited by his agility stat and qi usage, but picking speed and rebuilding—yes, again—his body from the ground up allowed him to accelerate or decelerate faster, move with less air resistance, or turn around better, improving his fighting style. He could only do that at the Law level without affecting his physiology, but some minute gains for maximum efficacy had to start at his commoner body.

A commoner; G-rank.

He had perfect memory yet never thought of those times. Getting there after reaching C-rank was shocking. Breathing felt heavy and difficult, moving his body was a chore, and his mind felt so sluggish that he wondered how humanity had ever realized one plus one equals two.

He was sure some of his opponents had never existed at G-rank, and that had to be even more shocking to them. The omnispider, for one, just stood there, dazed all the while. Going from a being that partly existed in phase space to the basest physical being in Reality affected it deeply.

From there, Shen rebuilt himself and helped others do the same. He reminded them of their weaknesses and suggested ways to improve them at F, E, or D-rank—if they wanted. Compress your muscles for marginally greater strength when you punch, elongate your limb only a couple of inches for greater reach that might be the difference between life and death, or cut off a few inches of height so you become even harder to catch with your elusive fighting style. Feel each Concept in your Path and connect it to you, recall why you picked it, and find a way to have your Concepts strengthen each other in synergy. Feel your Path, find yourself, and become your Path. Evolve from a talent aimlessly roaring on the river of death into a Guardian with the purpose and power to destroy the entire river if you don't like the destination.

Shen somehow became a kind of lifestyle coach, pulling those talents' potential, inner selves, and hopes to bear, so they could become the best versions of themselves. They might still die in the end, but they would die as themselves.

Incredibly, three talents, the mudball, the treat, and a gazer—and abomination of eyes with eyes—started walking a True Path while he watched.

Shen himself improved significantly. By changing himself to move faster and better at G-rank, he took advantage of the laws of physics. Then, he used it as the basis of accumulation for everything metaphysical. He changed how his qi moved on his body for maximum efficiency, despite physical matter not impeding his qi at C-rank. Yet, even the metaphysical energy somehow flowed better by having a better foundation to build upon.

That was another of his discoveries, closely linked to finding out that the physical battlefield mattered when battling mastered Laws: physical reality mattered.

Laws were nothing but the rules that made Reality work the way it did. When he used Laws, he simply potentialized said Laws in a certain space. There was a metaphysical factor to it, and while it was arguably more important than physical matter, matter was the basis. Said matter was the culmination of every Law in perfect harmony, the ultimate representation of existence itself. What affected one also affected the other; what affected matter also affected the Laws to some extent, and vice-versa. Or, as some mystics on modern Earth had found out: as above, so below.

Reality, Shen found, was a Stream of perfect Conductivity that went back and forth, a Shaft that supported all Extremities, existence Breezing so Gently among itself that it was indivisible even when divided, Truly Boundless in its absolute individuality and perfect communion. It was like a Killing Weapon, a weapon that only existed when its purpose was to destroy something else—it was linked in codependence in its independent goal.

That demonstration made Shen metamorphose into something new, better, and unique as much as any other—or maybe even more.

The Killing Weapon bit was especially provoking. He found that Law was the closest representation of himself in his Path's Laws. He was the union of multiple things that wanted to destroy other things. Could a Killing Weapon exist without the Laws of Life? Could Shen exist without the things he wanted to destroy? If he ever accomplished his goals, could he keep existing?

Even the way he saw True Boundlessness was as a way of removing boundaries he didn't accept. Without those boundaries, he would have nothing to complain about. Who would he become, then?

Was he to become a finely honed tool to be used when he saw fit? Or should he have a higher purpose?

He was no longer Feng. His clan had expelled him. He unconsciously kept thinking of building a family in the future, but he always knew it would be dishonorable to his wife and children to have them live with a disgraced person like him.

Should he subject people he cared for to that out of his egoism and search for purpose? How egoistical was he? How much of that was healthy, and should he accept it? How much of his egocentrism should he cut off?

As the days passed, Shen spoke less and less with Liya and the other talents. He still improved himself and won every battle, but his lack of identity made him taciturn. He could never stop thinking about it.

"I only Realized my identity the day I fought Uk'Gaar the last time," Liya had shared. "Don't try to force it."

Shen ignored her. Maybe she was happy with not knowing her place in existence until she reached B-rank, but he wasn't. Her identity was hers to live and figure out, and his was his.

His musings always saw him return to the matter of purpose. He had none except revenge against Valentina. Even the people behind the Dreamer, whom he resented, weren't that important. They were on his kill list, but their lives weren't enough to drive him, just as he found he didn't care for Alliance-wide justice as much as Liya. He would change things if he could, but as a cultivator, he was used to those in power dictating the rules. It was natural for him to change said rules if he got into power. For him, it wasn't a crusade for all that was good.

To sum up the core of his existence: Shen would always have to keep fighting because the Void was always around. There was no avoiding that. He also would find revenge or die trying. Lastly, he would never let go of Valentina for what she had done.

So... that was him?

A Guardian in the truest sense? Protecting Reality while doing whatever he felt like? Fighting for existence while pursuing any temporary goal he got on the way?

In the end... was he just a tool, after all?

The realization—with a lower-cased "r"—disheartened him. Shen didn't believe in such a life. That's the thing he was telling the talents not to do; not live as disposable objects. Yet he, himself, didn't have a dream, a drive, a purpose that burned so bright within himself that he would do whatever was needed to accomplish it.

He had had such sense when he had been a cripple. Also, when he fought for his life, he pursued survival more than anything. But he had been healed, and his survival was guaranteed enough out of combat.

Shen's heart didn't beat for anyone or anything.

When the demonstration returned to D-rank, he just went through the motions. He improved himself with absurd precision. He and Liya did a great job together on that front; Shen was good at it, and she had a lot of knowledge. He became faster and stronger than ever before, even without his Laws. When his Laws were added, he became a beast.

But other than that, he only stared at nothing.

When he was back to C-rank and would face Luthdel for the last time in the demonstration, the high elf did something that changed everything.

= - = - =

"Heart Sage!" Luthdel said overly energetically as soon as they saw each other. "We meet again, master! I talked to my mentor about your situation. He has an idea to help you!"

The unexpected words arose a little interest from Shen. He raised an eyebrow at Luthdel. "Yes?"

Luthdel cleared his throat—which he had done for the first time as an F-rank in the demonstration and found amusing—and declared, "I, Luthdel Elafir, bring a message from Tathdel Elafir. Henceforth, I shall speak in his name."

Then, Shen's Law-vision saw the high elf's eyes shine blue as an alien Law appeared in his body out of nowhere. Shen immediately grasped his spear and prepared for whatever was coming.

Luthdel's voice came changed then. It became deeper. Not in tone but in power.

"I, Tathdel Elafir..." That was his mentor's name. "...have a message from the Queen of Spring and Autumn, may she rule forever. Henceforth, I shall speak in her name."

The alien Law became stronger than ever. Luthdel's eyes shone so blue that Shen could see no other color. The pressure was among the greatest he had ever felt, and he was forced to kneel. All Laws outside his body refused his call.

"No!" Liya screamed in the distance.

Then, the world warped.

Shen was still kneeling, but before the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Liya was garbage in comparison. The woman was tall, lithe, with golden hair and golden eyes. Her every proportion was perfect. Every detail of his appearance had been hand-drawn by the best artist in existence. She wore a white and golden robe and looked at Shen like a goddess looking down at a mortal—and he felt it very fitting.

Around them, countless flowers and leaves flew in an eternal loop. They were bright and full of life, and brown and dead. The four seasons were represented as a neverending cycle in such a simple yet profound way. It was so deep in its false simplicity that Shen's mind hurt just from witnessing it from the corner of his eyes.

"I," she said, and the world bloomed with life, "Saelihn Herfiel, command you to live the winter of your false pretenses, the spring of your most intimate seed, the summer of your dearest existence, and the autumn of your maturity. Shed your mortal coil and be reborn in glory."

Her words weren't grand nor delivered with strength. She said it almost boredly. And yet, when she spoke the last one, Shen's world shook.

"No!" Liya screamed again just before his mind exploded.

Everything he was, all the things he took pride in after his journey so far, all his power and feelings were washed away.

Only it remained.

It was less than what he had been at his tribulation but also more. It wasn't limited but also wasn't filled with needless layers. It was his innermost existence, pure and simple.

It instantly found that it wasn't a tool as it had thought. It would've been surprised if it could get surprised. It wasn't justice, either; it had been right about that.

Instead, it was the most superficial yet one of the most impossible of existences: it was omnipotence.

That was the thing it sought, the core of its existence, the center of its goals and purpose. That deep into itself, when all pretenses were shed, it didn't honestly mind being a tool. It chose to be a tool because it was the better way it knew to accomplish what it truly wanted: everything. It sought the power to have its every desire accomplished, whichever they may be. It had only felt bad about it because it was weighed down by feelings and morals that had no place in its true existence.

Yet, it found no joy, for its mortal coil was returning. A thick layer of HONOR covered it and refused to be removed ever again. It recognized that, indeed, being a tool wasn't so bad. But its feelings and morals were as much a part of its existence as the most fundamental truth of its purpose. It would never kill the innocent to find omnipotence, for instance. That would be as false to itself as believing itself purposeless.

After honor, all else returned with haste.

A moment later, Shen was back to himself.

He had found his ultimate goal: omnipotence. It was always there, sometimes hidden, sometimes obvious, but now he knew that's what he yearned for the most: absolute power to accomplish whatever he wanted.

With that, he had also found other goals. Smaller ones that he hadn't cared much for while searching for what made him tick. Now, however, they were both the way he would accomplish his ultimate goal and the proof that he was walking toward it.

Shen would build himself a clan, and it would reach S-rank with him.

Then, he would rule over the strongest force in all existence, a status which it would accomplish with time and effort, not by destroying all competition—unless said competition came for him.

Shen would kill Valentina, whoever supported her, whoever had supported the Dreamer, Yinhu Lanfen, and whoever supported Yinhu Lanfen. He didn't care if the Alliance ceased to exist for him to accomplish that. Later, if he so wanted, he would have the power to reforge it anew.

And he would eradicate all Void Prophets from the Alliance because his omnipotence would never accept such an enemy infiltrating his reality to destroy it.

And maybe...

Maybe he would also make the absence of existence also cease to exist.

Unmaking the Void itself; now, that would be the ultimate proof of his omnipotence, wouldn't it?

But much before that, each step would prove his strength to himself and the world. Each step would give him strength. They would be his own self-fulfilling prophecy.

That demonstration was called "Remembrance and Rebuilding."

He remembered the need and fantasy for absolute power that he had felt as a cripple. He had rebuilt himself to reach for omnipotent power.

He was an arrogant C-rank, and Liya was right; he would use that arrogance to reach further than anyone ever had.

That was Shen.

He opened his eyes to find himself kneeling before Luthdel, who lay unconscious on the ground. Shen guessed he would also remember the high-elven queen's favor. He suspected that she would try to use it against him. It would be her mistake.

Absolute power meant not being shackled by gifts, no matter how useful.

Shen was power, and he would always be free—only he would ever limit himself, not poisoned gifts, not expectations and morals he didn't accept. For instance, he was drow and accepted some responsibility that came with it. He was grateful. But he would never be limited by such an identity.

Yet, wasn't he already poisoned by that gift?

He knew this wasn't a Realization like Liya's. He also knew he wasn't supposed to reach this absolute, cold certainty about himself and his Path at this stage of his life. Liya had screamed "no" when he was given this gift. It had changed him in ways she disapproved of.

Shen chuckled.

In the end, it didn't matter, did it? He would reach omnipotent power. That would allow him to solve any issues his current weak self was still vulnerable to.

Or he wouldn't, and he would die a dog's death, and that also wouldn't matter—because a life where he didn't reach the ultimate goal of his existence wasn't worth living.

Luthdel was unconscious, and Shen's experience hadn't taken more than a few minutes. He had a while before the battle.

He sat down in meditation, pushing his absurd precision to even greater lengths. Paradoxically, he reverted some changes. In his Path of Omnipotence, he wouldn't give up on what he currently perceived as himself. He refused to believe he had to give up on his humanity to accomplish such power. If he did, it wouldn't be true omnipotence, for it would be limited by his form.

His True Boundlessness made him feel both limited and freed by his new certainty; it prevented him from moving beyond his self-certainties while also making him draw power from them.

Shen agreed and moved on with laser focus.

Luthdel didn't wake up for their fight. Shen killed the man when a few minutes remained in the battle. One Standard hour later, his new self met with a clearly worried Liya.

Shen stood up wordlessly and smiled at her. "Don't worry; I'm as one with myself as I can be at this point in my life."

"Shen, a Baptism of Self is—"

He raised his hand to stop her. He felt with everything he was that if he heard that, it would affect him negatively. That it might undo his Path.

Right now, his change was too fresh, too raw. He didn't have enough willpower to receive that knowledge without suspecting his very existence. Refusing to listen to it and think about it was the most he could do at the moment. Even hearing the name of what he had gone through was almost too much.

"Nothing we can do can change what happened," he said. "Not without terrible consequences. I know that instinctively, and so should you." Liya bit her lower lip and nodded. "So we shouldn't worry about it. If the situation calls for it, I'll seek revenge at the appropriate time. This will not hinder my Path. I swear that to you."

Liya stared at his eyes, then closed her eyes and sighed. "Your words are sensible. That you can think like that lightens my heart. You... should be as okay as you can be. You're right. Don't doubt yourself. That would be much worse."

Shen's smile broadened. Her confirmation firmed his conviction. She had likely done it on purpose, and it didn't matter. He felt this was for the best.

"If I'm not wrong, I feel I must center myself?" he said, and she nodded. His smile tightened. "I feel detached from my humanity. I just reverted some physiological changes that set me apart from humankind. Now, working on my Path, especially on how I use it with my body, will help me more. I have a few ideas on how to use my Laws to create new C-rank techniques. Please, give me some feedback."

Liya's entire body relaxed at those words. "You really withstood it without sequelae, didn't you?" She smiled slightly. "You're made of far sturdier stuff than I ever gave you credit for. Go ahead, show me what you got."

Shen nodded and did as told: he unleashed all his power and creativity on her.

[A/N: This demonstration went very differently from what I originally envisioned, but it feels right. We'll take a while longer to see Shen's power in action against worthy adversaries, but it's for a good cause. Even the story feels more solid now that Shen understood this about himself and his goals.

This is a crucial point in his life and the novel. Basically, his breakthrough and rank-up couldn't have gone better (this part was planned; I wanted to contrast it against his previous breakthroughs). He couldn't be better prepared for what lays ahead.

We're at a much stronger point to do all sorts of exciting things from now on =D]

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