All Right! Fine! I Should’ve Taken You! – A Cakeverse Isekai (Patreon)

In recent years, there’s been an increasing trend in the Japanese youth to try and emigrate to foreign countries where some of the societal issues they face in their everyday lives are somehow mitigated. Of course, we being Japanese, and with our identities so deeply rooted in belonging to our culture, such a radical drive can only be accomplished by extreme measures.

Usually, dying.

OK, some wusses who end up picking up the washboard, pinkette tsundere rather than the busty maid, the tanned redhead, or the Rei Ayanami with serial numbers filed off may get away with merely jumping through a weird glowing portal, but for most true Japanese, being away from their country and being run over by a truck are synonymous enough as to make functionally no difference. Thus, most of our migrants to countries filled with leisure and less objective danger than working for a black company end up having a temporary leave of their vital functions before the border officer of the divine persuasion rushes them to either a new life as a summoned being or turns them into a newborn baby who would have made Freud salivate worse than anything Pavlovian.

Of course, despite knowing fully well the Hell that awaits me should I ever enter the workforce, I am far from a cowardly traitor such as these men. I won’t leave behind my home country just to enjoy a generic harem with no less than one token loli and a (hopefully not the same character) loyal beastgirl. No. I, Hachiman Hikigaya, shall forever remain rooted not only in Japan but in the Chiba Prefecture that saw my birth. Nothing can take me away from my homeland. Not even a cushy relocation to generic European setting number forty-two!

“Senpai! I was so worried!” Iroha Isshiki says.

Which should be par for the course from the foxy student council president, a transparent ploy to get me to drop my guard so she can squeeze a few extra favors out of me (wait, have I ever denied Iroha anything she’s asked for?). Except…

Except she’s hugging me.

Yes, all right, I just had yet another reminder of why jumping in front of moving traffic to save a small, dumb animal (even if it’s bipedal and doesn’t have feathers) is a really bad idea, but…

But waking up in the hospital with my whole body bandaged and having Iroha, Mrs. Hiratsuka, and Yukinoshita’s sister looking down at me with the kind of worry you only get when you’re at the end of the line in Comiket and you see the cosplaying girl manning the table write on the sign announcing the remaining copies is kinda… Disorienting.

‘Oh. Oh, fuck.’

… Why is there a voice inside my head?

‘Apparently, because Brain-chan finally eloped with Self-Preservation-kun and left her apartment vacant.’

What?

‘Later. Now, it’s vitally urgent that you do one thing and one thing only—’

What are you even talking about—

‘Pat the Iroha.’

… What?!

‘Pat the Iroha! Hurry! And reassure her we’re all right!’

Who’s we?!

‘Doesn’t matter! Tell her we’re fine, or she will—’

“Senpai? Are you refusing to show physical affection to your girlfriend in a public setting after having given me the scare of my life? Do you want me to persuade you? Does your silence mean that you won’t acknowledge me until I go above and beyond, dress up as a hot nurse, and give you a blowjob beneath the covers? I’m sorry, Senpai, but that’s impossible! As much as I’d love to give you a full physical, I forgot my nurse’s cap at home! You’ll have to wait until my evening visit for that.”

… What?!

‘I tried to warn you, man…’

What?

‘Look, she deals with stress in her own way. And I’m guessing she isn’t your girlfriend where you come from?’

Iroha is my what?

‘… Did you at least get both Yukino and Yui?’

When was that even an option?!

‘You dense motherfucker—’

“Oi, brat, do you need me to call the doctor? We’re starting to get kinda antsy,” Miss Hiratsuka says.

‘… You resisted the barrage of “Take me.” You resisted the damn barrage of “Take me.” How did you resist the barrage of “Take me?!”’

I don’t know! Arousal-induced paralysis, I think!

‘… OK, I can get that. Look, for the time being, just... repeat after me.’

Why—

‘Because I know what is going on, and you don’t. So, unless you want to deal with Haruno’s equivalent of an Iroha rant, you’ll shut up and—I mean, you’ll speak and say what I want you to say.’

… I’ll be good.

‘I doubt it. And I owe Brain-chan so many apologies…”

What the Hell is a Brain-chan?

‘The voice inside my head that helped me deal with all this bullshit. Now, repeat after me—”

“I’m sorry, Shizu, it looks like my brush with mortality left me slightly confused, and seeing three goddesses right after waking up isn’t helping matters.”

… What did I just say, why is Miss Hiratsuka blushing, and why is Yukinoshita’s sister laughing?

‘Those are all good questions, but you should ask yourself the fourth one. The actually dangerous one.’

… Which is?

‘Why is Iroha’s head beneath the blanket and over your crotch?’

Wha—

“Fffffffffuuuuuuuuckkkkkk!”

‘Yeah, she does that. Enjoy.’