Self Insert of the Dead – Chapter 2 – The Bath Fanservice Episode Should Not Be in First Person POV (Patreon)

Kouta Hirano is, apparently, in Heaven.

“This—this… This is a Springfield Armory Super Match M1A! Modified with a laser sight and a scope; it even has a bayonet attachment! And that’s an Ithaca M37! Modified with a dot sight! One of the most reliable shotguns in the world! And that… that… this… An Armalite AR10! Modded with both a folding bipod and a scope! Perfectly suited for sniping in urban environments! Uooooohhhhh!”

What… What is happening, Lee?

‘Well, the guy was voiced by the same dude who did Zaimokuza in Oregairu, so… I guess the casting was really good?’

What is an Oregairu?

‘That’s it, I’m taking your soul.’

Don’t even joke about that.

‘Yes. Joking.’

Lee…

‘Hey, you’re the heretic who doesn’t even know about—oh, wait, this is the early 2000s. Never mind. You’re officially not a heretical existence that should be purged from this plane of existence.’

Says the dead guy from another world.

‘Which should lend some credence to my verdict.’

Fine. Now, why’s Hirano hugging a rifle and rubbing himself up and down its length like a dog with a negligent owner?

‘Told you he’s a gun maniac. Once again, what I thought to be anime-hyperbole turns out to be disturbingly real.’

I feel like I should have a headache.

‘Oh, it may not all be bad. Let’s just say the apron and thong were canon.’

The what?!

‘Spoilers~’

“Takashi?” Rei’s voice interjects, and I can feel Lee’s attention shifting outwards.

“Yes? Sorry, I was discussing things with Lee,” I tell her with all the calm I can affect as I turn toward her, my back to the couch, the balcony, Saya’s disapproving glare, and many other things I’d rather ignore at the moment.

Rei smiles gently at me in that angelical manner she has of—

“Agh! My ribs! You crazy woman, you’re supposed to poke below the ribs!”

“And you’re supposed not to finger me in public, you jerk!” she accuses, once more bringing back the subject I’d been trying to run away from by focusing on Hirano’s disturbing, and quite possibly not-Platonic, love of guns.

“I don’t think Komuro was… fully in control, Miyamoto,” Busujima tries to bashfully defend me from where she’s leaning against the living room’s wall. Still, said defense may have been slightly more effective if she was able to meet my eyes without immediately blushing like a tomato.

‘I know how much you like it, don’t try to even pretend otherwise.’

You’ve bombarded me with erotic material featuring her since you woke up inside my head! It’s not that I like her; it’s that I’m mortified!

‘Sure. Mortified. That’s what the kids are calling it nowadays.’

“Maybe it was Lee’s fault?” Saya asks from where she’s sitting on the absurdly spacious sofa that, according to Lee, smells like lilies. Whatever that means.

‘You uncultured swine—!’

“If I say it is, will the violence stop?” I ask as I rub a disturbingly sore spot on my left side. And then I catch Rei smirking for a split second before she goes back to her indignant, arms crossed below her breasts, chin pointed up, pose.

… So, jumping on my dick, you said?

‘Dude, I won’t say something as loaded as ‘playing hard to get,’ but… does she really look as upset as she should be at you making her howl out an orgasm in the middle of the street with plenty of witnesses?’

I… I don’t even know what’s the proper amount of outrage for such a situation.

‘Playfully poking your side and hiding smirks when you look at her is definitely not it.’

Right. Before I accept your word as gospel, Lee… Just how many girls did you make orgasm—

‘Fuck you. Fuck you with a rusty spork. Sideways.’

Wouldn’t you feel it all the way?

‘It shall be a worthy sacrifice.’

“You done?” Says asks with that very pointed tone she usually reserves for teachers who won’t accept her correcting their lectures.

“I mean… On the one hand, Lee is being kind of an asshole; on the other, I’m safe in there—will you stop trying to stab me with your fingers?!”

“Just testing. They call it ‘spear hand’ for a reason, you know?” Rei says with a saccharine smirk that makes her eyes go almost completely closed.

“Right… If you two have had enough of whatever skit you’re trying to pull, maybe we should discuss the slightly more important issue of you potentially losing control in the middle of a fight and becoming a rape monster.”

I feel a chill go down my spine, and Rei’s eyes shoot to Saya in a frankly impressive glare.

And then Busujima walks between the three of us, her steps clacking with an imperious melody that all but that demands our attention—damn it, Lee!

‘Don’t blame me for you finally developing some good taste!’

“That’s not what happened,” the swordswoman states with a voice that’s as sharps as—fuck it. All right, you win: she’s hot. Like, very hot. Like, I could spend days just on her thighs without getting tired, and they’re definitely not her best feature.

‘Thank you for your acknowledgment, Captain Obvious.’

“Oh? And what do you think happened, Busujima?” Saya asks, her voice just shy of outright sarcasm.

Which Busujima obviously doesn’t take that well, seeing as she takes a pause before answering, during which I could swear I hear her teeth creak.

“He was stronger and faster than he should’ve been. By a large margin.”

I…

‘Sit down.’

I can stand—

‘Yeah, but I’m about to faint if she says what I think she’s going to say, so, sit down.’

I sit down.

The blue couch sinks beneath me, and my shoulders slump.

“Miyamoto,” Busujima turns toward Rei, “You’ve known Komuro longer. Did you ever notice some talent for the martial arts, something that may explain… what he just did?”

“He’s about as talented as the average train molester.”

“Hey!”

“Oh, excuse me. We weren’t on a train,” she snipes at me with yet another smirk that she tries to hide as soon as she notices.

Bitch.

‘So, I take it you want to make her pant with her tongue lolling out of her mouth—’

Lee!

‘Get used to it, bud. We’re a package deal. More than I suspected if Saeko’s going for what I think she is.’

“Nothing special? You never felt any intent from him, maybe?” Busujima continues, brushing an errant strand of hair back behind her ear.

‘I wanna tap that~ You can bet I’m gonna get~ Youuuuu~’

What the Hell are you even singing?!

‘Megan McAuley. Now listen very carefully, because we’re about to get our egos stroked in a way most people need to pay obscene amounts of money for.’

“I… don’t think so. But I also just started feeling it, so…”

“You… what?” Busujima’s staring at Rei like she just slapped her.

“I… just started feeling intent?”

Busujima keeps staring, And Rei looks like she’d rather be sitting on the couch with me than standing under the scrutiny of the older girl. And then Busujima strides forward and takes Rei’s hand between two of her own while staring straight into her eyes.

‘More lilies…’

I find your obsession with flowers baffling.

‘And I find your lack of faith disturbing.’

And now Rei’s gasping.

“What… what was that?” she asks Busujima without removing her hand.

“That is you either developing very quickly through real battle and danger or… something else,” Busujima says as she turns to look at me.

‘Shit, no ego-stroking for us. Let me out.’

Are you—

‘I think I know what’s going on. Let me out, and I’ll explain.’

Fine.

“Ever heard of double cultivation, Saeko?” I ask the violet-haired girl as soon as I emerge.

Who suddenly looks a bit flustered, so I guess she has—

“Saeko?” Rei looks at me quite angrily—ah. Right. Japanese customs.

And I just poked the proto-yandere bear. Fuck.

“This is Lee. America. Gaijin-smash and all that, you know? Please don’t hit Takashi because I don’t know when to stop using surnames like we’re all in the army rather than schoolmates?”

Rei’s eyes narrow at me, but she ends up nodding in a way that doesn’t promise future retribution, no sirree.

‘I hate you.’

Yeah, I kinda get it. Sorry, buddy.

“It’s… all right. I suppose standing on formality doesn’t suit us after spilling so much blood together,” Saeko ends up answering with a light blush dusting her cheekbones.

… Fuck. I hope none of them notice the incipient boner.

“Right. Makes sense. So, Saeko, Rei, Saya, and… the gun-nut still lost in his own little world. Double cultivation is a term often used in a kind of Chinese-themed story about developing martial arts and ki. It’s basically when two practitioners, often male and female for that whole yin-yang thing, have sex in a way that makes them develop their internal energy in tandem, supposedly boosting the effects of solo practice.”

Three girls are staring at me in silence, and one guy keeps mumbling about different calibers and whatever else gets his motor running.

‘… You are a pervert. Your stories are perverted. Your whole world is perverted.’

I’m pretty sure any culture shock it’s just because you’re sadly lacking in the ways of the internet.

“That… I’ve never heard about such… practices,”the samurai in training says.

“Yeah, I don’t think I’ve ever heard of them in Japanese culture. Which is weird, seeing as you guys literally worship giant penises.”

“Must you be so crass?” she asks, her hips shifting as she brushes even more hair behind her shoulder with the back of her hand.

She must be doing that on purpose.

‘What does that even mean—’

“Sorry, I’ve been shoved into this guy’s head, my identity is fraying with every passing second, and I’m pretty sure we are well on the way to completely merging with one another, so I’m kinda exaggerating my own personality traits in a rebellious attempt to affirm my own existence before I’m effectively erased and subsumed.”

There’s a bit of an uncomfortable silence after my declaration. I couldn’t tell you why.

‘Dude, are you really—’

I’ve got no fucking clue, but it certainly seems likely.

“I… don’t think I’m equipped to deal with this conversation at the moment—” Saeko tries to… I don’t know. Comfort me? Us?

“None of us are,” Saya interjects, likely getting pissed off at us talking about things she isn’t more knowledgeable about than the rest of us put together, “so I’d suggest putting the issue aside until it’s something more than Lee’s conjecture. About this double cultivation thing… I’m leery of using only your stories as a framework to understand what happened, but Busujima says Rei just skipped a few training sessions, and it seems like you have some idea that would make you bring up this ridiculous notion of yours, so explain it to us rather than keep beating around the bush.”

Ah, right. She’s the smart one.

‘You keep calling her a genius.’

Those are two very different things.

“Saya’s right. Saeko, I assume you need physical contact to feel another’s ki?”

“Unless they’re projecting intent, yes.”

I nod as if I understand what she’s saying and then proffer my right hand.

She slowly lets go of Rei’s own hand (lilies, I tell you!) and grabs mine while bashfully averting her eyes.

Damn it, boner…

Anyway! On with the show!

“Notice anything?” I ask her.

She frowns, her eyebrows furrowed in a very cute and visible show of concentration.

“You’re stronger than the average person. I would say you’ve been training for some time, if not for how… unfocused it all feels.”

“Right. Keep that focus going because I’m about to change things up a bit.”

Her eyebrow slowly raises as she looks down at me, but then she nods.

And I remember the Heat.

It surges forth, the thing that possessed Takashi, that drove him to protect the ones closest to him until there were no more enemies left, and then drove him to Rei, to the girl he’s loved and poured all his lust on since he discovered that the stork is a myth.

‘What the fuck has a stork to do with anything—’

I remember our fingers going in and out of a tight, wet body, remember Rei’s softness pressed against us, her howl as she reached her climax and part of the Heat poured out of us and inside her.

And the Heat answers.

It pulses twice in our chest before shooting down our arm, pooling in our hand and reaching out for Saeko, for the girl whose every stride is sex manifest, the stern eyes that make me want to see her go cross-eyed as I pound my cock inside her and she pants and gasps, holding onto her composure by a thread every time I bottom inside her and make sheer ecstasy bolt through her whole body, as I drive both of us closer and closer to glorious, all-consuming bliss that she’ll be unable to withstand, that will sever that last thread of dignity and turn her into a howling, wrecked mess like Rei was—

Saeko gasps and lets go of me, jumping back across the room and cradling her hand to her generous chest as if she’s just been burned.

And the Heat feels… disappointed.

I take a deep breath, holding back the urge to rise, to chase her, to take her down to the floor and tear off her clothes and show her everything I can—

‘Lee!’

Wha—ah. Fuck.

“S—sorry about that,” I tell her through a very raspy throat.

She keeps staring at me, her eyes wide, her cheeks flushed, her chest rising and falling with her own ragged, panting breath that makes the Heat surge again—

‘Lee!’

… Sorry.

‘Want me to take over?’

No. No, I can do this. We just need to finish this conversation, and then I’ll rest for a bit.

‘All right…’

“This was what Takashi felt. It got stronger throughout the battle, with every zombie he killed. I could feel it on the back of his mind, growing and searing the thoughts out of him, but… I’d felt it earlier, as well. It was why I asked him to take over when we handed Shidou to the cops.”

Saeko keeps looking at me, not answering in any way other than biting her lip and massaging tingling fingers. Or, at least, I imagine they’re tingling.

I don’t even know why. I suspect ki shenanigans.

“Searing his thoughts?” Rei asks, her tone… carefully blank.

Oh, dear… Well, I guess this could be fun in its own way.

‘Lee! Don’t, you bastard—’

Shush, you. I’m about to get you your childhood crush eager and ready to trot.

“He was reduced to his basic urges. Protect his loved ones, and… take them.”

And now she’s blushing and smiling a silly grin that she keeps trying to suppress.

Heh.

‘I don’t know how, when, or where, but I shall have my vengeance.’

Get back to me when you figure any of those out.

‘You prick.’

“Loved ones? Plural?” Saya asks.

… Fuck.

‘Vengeance. I shall have it.’

Not my fault!

“Yes, Lee. Plural?” Rei asks with an icy tone that suddenly has no trace of that adorable, silly grin from seconds before.

“Woman, stop being so damn jealous of every little thing! The guy’s single; he’s allowed to appreciate the top-shelf eye candy!”

‘Stop! Digging!’

“Eye candy?” Oi, Saya, you can’t wear the tsundere twin tails and pretend it’s by accident! You know preciselywhat you’re doing to any heterosexual male you come across.

Also, when did Hirano fuck off, and how can I get him to teach me his ninja ways?

“You! You three are mouth-wateringly gorgeous! Really, it’s a wonder we haven’t had to stop in the middle of a fight to get a quick wank! You don’t even know what this guy’s mind looks from the inside—”

Saeko’s grabbing my collar and pulling me off the couch.

“Hit me,” she mutters.

“Wha—”

She slaps me. It stings.

“Hit. Me,” she grits out.

I blink like a moron a couple of times.

Then I punch her stomach.

‘What the fuck?!’

She asked for it. Literally!

I see a savage grin spread through her lips, and I swear light glints off the tip of her fangs.

Then she twists slightly, and her hand on my chest drives me to the couch so hard I feel the frame below the cushions dig into my back.

“Again,” she whispers, that grin still taunting me and doing very weird things to my libido.

The Heat surges, and I wrap my left leg over her hips as I try to twist our bodies around, dragging her down to the couch but not managing to get her below me. Her hands shoot to my wrists, and her body is between my legs, so I’m unable to attack her in any way I—

She just headbutted me.

Saeko Busujima just headbutted me.

…

Fuck it.

I let the Heat out, all of it, and I dive for her neck, and she twists at the last second so my teeth and lips end up around her collarbone as her shirt shifts open with our violent movements. And then I bite, harder than I should bite a girl, but not harder than I should bite her, because the Heat is guiding me, and the last thing it wants is to hurt her.

No, it just wants to have her eyes widen in surprise the first time I dive my cock right up—

She moans and shifts us so she’s above me before trying to drive an elbow through my skull that ends up buried in the cushion right beside my left cheek, but that means my hand is free, and so I immediately grab her breast, as roughly as I can, my hands digging in her flesh and twisting as she arches her back and moans, letting go of another hand that immediately goes to her ass and pulls her down on top of me as my hips shift.

And then I feel my rigid erection poke at something that yields between her legs, and Saeko cries out, her hips twisting in a way that makes the front of my pants suddenly drenched as I keep trying to fuck her through too many layers of fabric.

And it’s quick, far too quick for my male ego to contemplate, but the Heat surges once more. Through my palms into her ass and breast, and through my cock into her pussy.

Saeko howls as her body goes rigid, and my pants are suddenly warmer and wetter than they should ever be.

She slumps down on top of me, her frantic breathing right by my ear almost more than I can take as the Heat stops receding—

And then Rei pulls Saeko off me, the older girl obviously out of it and moaning at the brusque maneuver in a way that has Takashi’s crush blush like she’s discovered her taste in lilies.

“What. The. Fuck,” Saya eloquently summarizes the whole situation.

I blink at her hugging her knees and peeking above them from the other end of the sofa. A sofa that’s still not crowded even though Rei’s sitting between us with Saeko lying against her front, the back of her head cushioned by breasts that—

‘What. The. Fuck.’

Dude, Saya just said the same thing. Try to keep up.

‘That’s not an answer!’

To be fair, it was barely a question.

***

The girls allow me a moment to take off my soiled pants and boxers, but, unfortunately, it’s not like there’s any male fashion conveniently lying around, so I’ll have to make do with a towel I find in a closet. Miss Marikawa’s still hogging the bathroom, and Hirano’s still doing ninja stuff, likely spying on us from the ceiling.

So, I’m soon back at the sofa, a powder blue towel wrapped around my waist as two girls glare at me, and another keeps fighting a little smile off her face.

No points for guessing.

“Explain,” Rei says, either to Saeko or me; I don’t think she particularly cares.

Saeko seems to care, though, because the smile finally disappears as a crimson blush spreads over the bridge of her nose, and she stops breathing.

Oho~

‘Don’t. Not with Rei in thatmood.’

Spoilsport.

“I… I do apologize for my unseemly behavior…” she timidly fidgets.

Come on! Don’t tell me I can’t take advantage of that!

‘You can, but you can’t do that and keep your liver. Choose.’

We don’t even drink!

‘I’m pretty sure we need our liver for something other than processing alcohol…’

Blasphemer!

“You… were affected by whatever it was Lee did. As was Rei,” Saya says.

And Rei freezes.

… Come on, not even a little teasing? It’ll be fun!

‘I’m starting to find it very hard to believe you lived long enough to die in such a stupid way.’

Low blow, dude. Low blow.

“I… I think so. I could feel his ki prodding at mine, and I… There was a surge of something, and I just wanted… Wanted to…” Saeko trails off.

Oh. Oh, so that’s what this is about.

‘Share with the rest of the class?’

Nah, it’s private. But I guess I should bail her out.

“You wanted—no, needed to fight. And that was the only thing in your mind after you finally let it, the same way as the Heat makes Takashi and I protective and horny. It... amplifies base urges. Which I guess it’s why Rei was so into showing off when Takashi got his ki all over her.”

She, predictably and arguably justified, kicks my shin.

I hiss and rub the bone up and down until I remember I’m wearing a towel and my posture may be the reason both Saya and Rei are now staring at…

How do girls do it?! I would be flashing my panties continually and not even realizing it!

“I’m not an exhibitionist,” Rei finally says with an icy tone that belies her blush.

“No, but you’re jealous and possessive,” I reply.

And she kicks me. Again.

“Woman! Tone it down with the domestic abuse!”

“Stop it with the slander!”

“It’s not slander! I’ve seen your story! I know how you tick! If it was up to you, you’d lock yourself in a room with Takashi and not come out until the guy was dehydrated!”

“That’s a lie! I would never… uh… I mean, Takashi, don’t take this the wrong way… I mean, I maybe would, I don’t know—”

“Right. Jealousy and possessiveness, I can see it,” Saya interrupts with a tone so dry I’m surprised her lips don’t crack.

“See! Even the socially maladjusted genius gets it!” I say pointing at—

And a pillow strikes my face.

I may have deserved that.

When the thing that’s not as soft as it should have been falls down, I see a very irate Saya glaring at me, a mildly bashful yet still combative Rei doing much the same, and a grateful Saeko softly smiling—ah. I guess she caught the implications. Sorry about knowing your deepest secrets, girl. On the other hand, not sorry about all the panty shots.

‘You’re despicable.’

Want me to share?

‘… Not now.’

“Right,” I try to move the conversation along, “we now know the Heat triggers impulses, and, when they’re realized… Actually, we don’t know that. Saeko? Do you feel any different?”

She closes her eyes and takes the stereotypical loud breath of a martial artist centering herself.

And then her eyes shoot open.

There’s… something. Something poking at the edges of my awareness. It’s almost like pressure, the kind of feeling you get in your hands when you try to push two magnets together and you feel the shape of the field surrounding them in the shifting force as you move them around, but it’s all over me, and it…

Before I can learn that last thing, the one that I know is vital and key to understanding something I never named before, the feeling vanishes.

And Saeko slumps against the back of the sofa.

Rei’s looking at her with wide eyes, and Saya is looking at the three of us like she doesn’t understand anything, which, predictably for her, quickly turns to barely restrained anger.

“Busujima…” Rei mutters, “that was…”

Saeko closes her eyes for a moment. When they open, they once more brim with the confidence and composure I want to see melt in sheer ecstasy—

‘Down.’

Right. Sorry.

“Lee and Takashi gather ki from their environment. That ki is not clean; it carries… something. A taint. They can share it, but it needs to be… exorcised in some manner. And then it becomes yours and… And I guess the two of us will…” she looks at Rei, the confidence flagging for a moment as something passes between them. “We need to be strong to survive this new world. I’m sorry, Miyamoto, but I think the two of us will need to… share them. I can’t refuse this chance to grow so much stronger, so much faster. Not when our lives are at stake.”

“Three,” Saya says before the silence has a chance to settle.

“… What?” Rei asks, her tone dropping as she shifts to directly look at the tsundere pinkette.

“Even if this wasn’t a chance to investigate this whole ‘ki’ business without having to spend grueling years devoted to exercise and meditation that I can’t afford to waste, I also want to be strong. I refuse to be a burden while you three fight to keep me alive,” she explains with a calm it’s obvious she doesn’t feel, going by the white knuckles on her tight fists.

Rei stares at her, maybe trying to intimidate her, maybe to gauge her determination.

‘Don’t interrupt.’

You’re right. Sorry.

‘Don’t be. Just let them... work it out.’

“I think we may have forgotten something,” Saeko says.

“What?” Rei doesn’t even bother looking away from Saya.

“How do… Takashi and Lee feel about this?”

…

Damn it, Saeko! I trusted you!

“Oh, that’s certainly something we should allknow about.” This time, Rei looks away from a momentarily relieved Saya, but only to have her look straight at me.

Which soon turns to Saya and Saeko doing much the same.

…

Tag!

‘Don’t, you fucking coward!’

They are your childhood friends! You handle them!

‘Lee, you damn bastard, I swear I will—’

Be forced to deal with this whole thing. Damn it, Lee…

“Takashi here, because, apparently, Lee’s a pussy,” I announce the change in interlocutor.

And both Rei and Saya reel back.

What?

“You… you speak like him,” Saya clarifies at my confused look.

Ah.

“I… He keeps getting my memories, and I keep getting his. I think we’re… blurring.”

And suddenly, Rei’s not glaring with anger and jealousy. No, she’s kneeling on the sofa, almost crawling over me, my hand between hers, and she looks at me with clear anguish.

“Are you… Are you going to be all right? Are you going to be… you?”

I blink at the earnestness, at the clear fear in her eyes.

And then smile as I pat her head much as I used to do when we were both still kids who didn’t know that much about jealousy, love, and all the messes it could get us into.

“I’m with you, aren’t I?” I answer as softly and gently as I can make my voice go.

She blinks up at me, a relieved smile flitting over her lips, before her brow creases and she looks back over her shoulder.

At Saya and Saeko staring at us and not even bothering to pretend otherwise.

“With me. And with them. Apparently,” she says with a bitter edge.

…

‘Proto-yandere. Called it.’

Shut up, Lee.