I Guess you wonderin’ where I been (Patreon)

We’re sorry, but the Nik you are trying to reach is Stuck in a Madripoorian holding cell with Bluey’s dad precisely 18 minutes before Magneto claims the entire island as the home of the Brotherhood ( sexiest much !) of evil ( that seems a wee alignment specific) mutants ( and one guy named cylde who convinced Magneto that he had the mutant ability to make every cup of coffee in the world cold instantly with his mind ( Cold-Coffee-Kinesis) )

In an attempt to automate your possible requirements in Nik’s absence, please select from the following options:

For Telepathic Powers which come with the awkward side effect of teleporting you for 8 seconds into the bathroom of a random alien species which is occupied by someone or thing having a poo every time you sneeze, press 1

For 11 inflatable versions of yourself that can operate autonomously but each one ends every sentence with “ that’s what she says” and craves Cherry slushies even though brain freeze turns them evil , press 2

For the keys to the great glass sex toy-vator which houses every sex toy know to creation past present and future , which you can take out and return at your leisure, but every time you orgasm , they toys you borrow perform a highly choreographed musical number written by Andrew Lloyd Webber and composed by Machine Gun Kelly with dance by Bob Fosse, press 3

For infinite, calorie free cake that has all the nutrients you need, that also allows you to shapeshift when you wake up tomorrow, press the screaming pink glitter rift in reality that moves with the predictability of a squirrel that has just shotgunned 8 old school 40 lokos .

For 50 dollars cash to appear every time you reach your hand into your left pants ( or shorts or skirt or kilt) pocket but you occasionally stop and break the fourth wall in order to do ads for whatever product you are holding ( it happens like a hiccup , randomly and confusing), press 4

&

For the ability to fly , including carrying around anyone or anything you need to effortlessly, but the only way you can safely land is to rip a window rattling fart while assuming a perfect pirouette as thoughthe gas you pass is an organic retrorocket, press 5

Thank you , and whatever you do , don’t piss off Clyde, because I’m actually afraid he can do it.

https://youtu.be/Ki9WkD7kP2I