The Official Monthly Patron Story - The Heist (Patreon)

The Official Monthly Patron Story

In which I randomly assign each of you a part in a story based on the snippets I write for each character and then the computer randomly assign you each a job.

February’s Theme:

Las Vegas Casino Heist:

( Please note that I have every intention of adding the people who have signed up in the next day or two)

( Please also note: You are all the absolute Best ! )

Kara- Lion Tamer who is going to release them into the Casino as a distraction, but is going to be gravely disappointed when the Tigers get distracted by the fountain in the lobby and just laze within the waterworks

Tara - Daredevil base jumper who is going to zipline run the exterior of the building from the top of the tower to grab the cash bags the armored car drivers are carrying out after the “ distractions” commence

Sonya - A ventriloquist / mad scientist who has created small robots that perform the act with her and will utilize said robots to seed havoc throughout the gaming floor, but will lose them at the end…. For they will have run off to live in the desert and create the next generation of self aware mini robots

Melissa- Retired Nasa Pilot who is going to utilize a skyhook to fly the loot off, but can’t fly without Cheetos and a stuffed Barney the dinosaur tied to the nose of the plane.

Erika- The ex con slight of hand artist who used to work the Vegas strip but got disgraced by the owner of the Triple R Hotel and Casino, and now is going to lift the keycard of every employee and copy them in an effort to gain access to every nook and cranny of the Triple R. You wouldn’t expect someone who insists on wearing a fez to blend in to the crowd as well as she does, and yet somehow it works every time.

Kira- Firearms specialist who designed a magnetic cannon that is going to stick to the bottom of the plane and tow the loot off. Has a real love of Twinkies and the work of earth wind and fire.

Sarah - Master of Disguise. At points throughout the heist we stumble across The Pope, Adam Driver, Kermit the Frog, Every member of BTS , and the Queen of England…. Say what ??? Nope, all just Sarah, doing what she does the best. The objective: Keep the management focused on the VIP’s.

Bibi- Explosives Expert. After years of working demolition in Vegas, the Triple R had your license revoked and so you have a plan to detonate a path through the sub levels of six casinos in order to steal the loot and get it to the extraction point which is on the roof of the Triple R Hotel

Kathy- Lounge singer who did one two many stints on Cruiselines and became a modern pirate. Will have hijacked Jeff Bezos’ new yacht and will be waiting off the coast of Imperial Beach in California.

Susan- Modern Day Emo illusionist who is going to invite the Owner of the Triple R on stage to assist with an illusion. At which point Susan will make the CEO disappear and reappear in a laundry van in New Mexico two days later. How you ask ? Magic….and a Rhino Tranquilizer dart to the butt.

Vicky- Engineering expert who has designed a magnetized rail system that will allow you to load the loot from all six of the casinos into carts that weigh nearly nothing and look exactly like dirty laundry carts.

Heather- Head of the FBI Anti Terrorism TaskForce who got burned out 4 years ago while trying to break up a illegal sock smuggling ring and ends up being the teams inside person, misdirecting law enforcement to the first hotel when in fact the team is in the Triple R

Emily- The Elevator Mechanic who spent your entire life working on casino elevators and are 2 years from retirement when you got fired. You have designed a universal remote for every elevator in Vegas and will force all of them into lockdown while allowing the team to use the elevators in the Triple R to get the loot to the roof

Mary- The Retired Assassin who makes omelets at the breakfast buffet at the Triple R. You have spent years killing bad people for good money and now will take on one more job to steal from horrible people and fund every animal hospital and shelter in the United States. You are the hitter. Anyone who gets in the way of the team has to get through you… but you have sworn off killing, so you use kitchen utensils to subdue all your opponents.

Jordan- The tech expert. Once a noble Genius at the Genius Bar at your local Apple Store, Jordan has existed as a Hacktivist who is finally decided that being a modern Day Robin Hood is the best option. The Brains of the Heist knew of your work and brought you in with the promise of one job that would fund you and your causes forever. Your Hacker Handle: FluffyDeath41

Amanda- The Backer. A rich ex casino owner who started investing in charities and got swindled out of your stake in the Triple R. These new casino owners don’t know what it used to be like back in the day. And so you have decided to fund the Team for 10 percent of the cut, but end up getting dragged into the act by the Brains when you get told that the grand opening of the casino will include your ex, who will be the opening act in the arena.

Catherine- The Opening Act in the Arena. International PopStar who got blackmailed into performing for free at the Opening of the Triple R. Your ex, Amanda, has talked you into faking a pyrotechnic malfunction in an effort to get back at the owner of the Triple R.

Morgana- World’s greatest Jewel Thief who knows the Brains from jobs way back when and got offered all the jewels in the vault of the Triple R in exchange for cracking every vault in the six casinos you will be robbing.

Siobhan- The Brains. It was all so simple once. Vegas was the kind of town where everyone could find work. But once the owner of the Triple R evicted the orphans from the orphanage that you grew up in, blew up the orphanage, causing Sister Gretchen to have a heart attack , you decided it was time to teach an old school lesson about Vegas.

Maren- The Getaway Driver. The plan is for a quadruple misdirect. The Money will go up to the peak of the Triple R and be airlifted to the yacht. Meanwhile you are going to lead them on a merry chase utilizing the four supercars that are sitting pretty in the lobby of the Greedy Gopher Casino, which is the first in the row of six which is getting robbed. Once beyond the perimeter of the city, you will rendezvous with the stunt person who will facilitate your escape.

Jo- The Head Chef of the Triple R. Having put all of your life work on the line to be the best and responsibly source your food, The owner of the Triple R had your Michelin Star revoked and will have in restored if you give him a year to get the Triple R on the map. The 13 foot jello Dragon that you made sits pretty amidst the grand dining room, but what you know is that once the fire extinguishers go off in will expand by a factor of ten.

Amy- The confidence person who took a job in the security office of the Triple R in an effort to confuse, discombobulate , and distract the security in the building. Your plan: the Lord Woofington Dog Show and shaving cream.

Shaetur The Stunt Person. Having perfected a method of safely shooting a human more than three miles through the air, your intercontinental ballistic man cannons will safely fire the escaping team three miles to the left of the extraction point. Once all of them are away, you will shoot yourself, detonating the entire man cannon using a Rube Goldberg style rig that hinges on the owner of the Triple R’s childhood Jack in the box.

Friday- The worlds greatest wing suit flyer. Your mission: Fly through the streets of Vegas dropping smoke bombs and fake 100 dollar bills, creating confusion. After which you will rendezvous with Maren and drive a supercar out of the city. Your soundtrack : My Heart will go on by Celine Dion on repeat.

Krys- Gaming commission investigator who told the Nevada gaming commission that there was a fatal flaw in the programming of every slot machine in Vegas. They didn’t listen, made you sign an NDA and now you bag groceries. You have built a device that will set off a subsonic signal causing every slot machine to jackpot at the exact same second in every casino in the world.

DeadMansDolly- intergalactic thief from the 42nd century who has traveled back in time to stop the heist because you want to pull off the greatest heist in history, but get charmed into helping the team and thus end up being part of the greatest heist ever.

AmazonQueenie- The sniper. In order to maintain complete control, the brains hired you to keep an eye on everything from a weather balloon, but also told you there were to be no casualties, so you are just up there offering colored commentary from a ridiculous vantage point and watching as Vegas descends into madness. On occasion, you shoot out tires.

2AcesMom- The immortal monster hunter that approached the Brains and tells them that their plan will awaken a giant lizard monster on the outskirts of Vegas, and that you will fight the monster thus allowing them all to succeed and survive.

Kary- A Froyo cart owner who just keeps ending up in the wrong place at the wrong time, to the point where you lose it, punch out a guard, and offer to drive a distraction supercar with the driver and the wing suit operator.

Kimberley- Bunny wrangler for all of the magicians in town who has a secret telepathic link to all bunnies, and thus will finally liberate them during the heist.

Jade Blue- The Engineer who figured out a way to make a cargo plane stealth capable, and thus helps the Pilot get the Loot and get it safely to the Yacht.

Jenny- The former owner of the Casino that existed where the Triple R now stands. What no one knows is that you had a mystical prison beneath the old casino and since they demolished your casino and put the Triple R in it’s place. So now you stay in the Triple R, using your magical abilities to recapture all the entities that were imprisioned there, and once the Heist goes off, you will finally have access to the prison once more, and so you waited patiently until today.

Emily J- The Personal Assistant to the Owner of the Triple R, and after years of getting yelled at and having mineral waters thrown at you, you have decided to betray your boss, but are doing so ignorant of the Heist, so once the Heist begins, you decide to take advantage of the situation, freeing the owner’s pet giraffe and then stealing his solid gold plane so that you and your cousin can melt it down

Faye- The Bartender at the Bar in the foyer of the Triple R Hotel. While the whole heist is going on, you act totally normal because this is seriously not the weirdest thing you have seen in Vegas.

Allyson- Your the playboy billionaire who is secretly the vigilante known as there Justice Jerboa, who came to Vegas to see justice served against the owner of the Triple R, only to find yourself getting in a fight to the death with a giraffe in the hotel lobby the entire time the heist is going on.

Rene- Fire eater from the circus who is hired by the crew to formulate a simple formula to melt the secure hinges of the vaults.

1485becks- The Cooler who works the floor of the Triple R. You are kept around by old superstitious casino owners because you are believed to have the worst luck and so you can stop gambler’s streaks when they are on a roll. You are met by the Brains of the Heist during an all you can eat meatloaf dinner and offered 8 million dollars to spend the entire night of the Heist next to the Owner of the Triple R.

Suzie- The Pirate who attempts to hijack Jeff Bozo’s Yacht from the lounge singer pirate, but ends up finding far too much in common with the person who stole the yacht and joins them

AdventureGirl927- Amish person who took the ox drawn cart to sell quilts in Vegas and stumbled upon the whole debacle

Susan K- Devious owner of the Greedy Gopher who has a heart of gold and has been looking for a way out of Vegas for a while and so uses the heist to abandon earthly things and become a zen hermit in the desert

Eva Destruction- The Grizzled Vegas Cop who has spent too many years undercover to know who the good guys are and who the bad ones are. While hunting after the car thieves during the heist, you find yourself sympathizing with the plight of the criminals and so help by driving one of the supercars out of Vegas, because lord knows you are getting too old for this shit

Monica- The disgraced news anchor who nearly lost everything when you accidentally punched the baby capybara at the Vegas zoo. To be fair, it looked like it was going to attack. Once the Heist begins, you see it as your opportunity to shine, so you change into your best suit, call up your action news crew, and hit the streets.

Mary G- The Old world mob boss who was going to invest in the Triple R but backs out when you discover how awful the owner is. On your way out of the casino you get an epic fight scene with the league of janitorial assassins. You versus 12 of them, fighting until the head of the league of janitorial assassins calls of their janitors. In that moment both of you part the field of battle with the upmost respect for the other.

Darcy- (Writers Note:I should have known it was gonna be you, Darcy.) You are “ The Broker”. You are the one the Brains of the Heist comes to in an effort to secure all of the tech needed to pull this off. Nothing happens in Vegas without you providing clean equipment, and thus you get to charge a service fee. Think Giant marble desk, cat to pet, assistant who takes fantastic diction but can also murder eight men with an apple pen.

Sheena- Expert T-shirt Cannon Genius who lost everything when a freak T-shirt cannon accident put the Pope in the hospital for three weeks after attending a Dodgers Game. You have been recruited to create the worlds smallest net launchers so that the entire team can pull off the heist without a single casualty

Steph- The German mastermind behind the construction of all of the security systems and bank vaults in Vegas who gets seduced by Jason Momoa ( who is actually our master of disguise) while having all of the security details stolen during your tryst. You get to pull off the grandest of freak outs when everything goes wrong, and ride a llama off into the night.

Janet- The Owner of the Triple R. You get to play a complete and utter over the top type where you slash famous art, burn down orphanages in order to light your cigars, and demolish a convent in order to erect your new summer villa. Think the cheesiest villain ever and dial it up by 22.

Kayla- The concierge working the desk when this all goes down, who intentionally loses the owners keys, throws off your blazer, pitches your name tag into the lion infested fountain, and decides to start over in the desert raising Corgis.

Jezebel- At the 1913 Worlds Fair, you, a world famous magician, stepped into a vanishing cabinet. You step out of the broom closet behind the concierge desk in the foyer of the Triple R. This is gonna take some adjustment.

Susan M- The harpist who plays in the foyer of the Triple R. Bless you you keep playing even with the stampede and the tigers and the giraffes and the little creepy robots…

Stephanie H- The Head of the European Gambling Investors Association, you have always hated the owner of the Triple R, and sit back casually at the bar as the whole place goes bananas

Lori Beth- Your time has finally come, after ten thousand years you have arisen to conquer earth and as you crest the mountains which housed your sarcophagus, you see what is going on and your all like…. Or maybe I walk in the other direction and conquer over there…where its less all that

Jennette-Reporter for the local news affiliate, you end up stumbling across the heist while recording a puff piece about a local ventriloquism convention

Wendy- Vegas Animal Control. You get called when the tigers climb into the fountain in the foyer of the Triple R. When you get there your all like, “ nope. Above my pay grade. “

Lil Miss Stubborn- The celestial interloper who, after sneezing while in the possession of the Infinity Keychain, ended up in Vegas right at the start of the Heist. You saunter over to the bar in the Foyer of the Triple H and say, “ So…Typical Tuesday?” The bartender serves you your drink of choice and pours themselves one as well

Jaime- The high wire artist who put up wires between the six casinos in order to keep a Birdseye view on all proceedings and keep everyone updated.

Shelley- The leader of the league of janitorial assassins. Your organization had been plotting the downfall of Vegas for years and upon seeing the chaos and destruction of the heist simply says, “ Welp, our work here is done.” And heads out with your crew

Lois Bell - The first time Vegas visitor who sits down just as the slot machines erupt pouring millions of dollars onto the floor. You will later buy the sight of the Triple R and turn it into a family friendly resort and casino