The Patreon Pirate List in Text ( sing along if you know the words lol ) (Patreon)

The HMS Caffeinated Crow

Commissioned by Queen Victoria, the Caffeinated Crow was lightly borrowed after it’s original crew decided to leave it in port unattended for the feast of Saint Guyfort of Patron Saint of Trampolines

Lisa-The Doctor who should have retired but got caught smuggling Welsh Corgis and so is serving on the ship as your prison sentence and can often be heard saying im too old for this ship

Faye-The Accordion Player who doesn’t know how to play accordion so every time someone wants you to play you create a distraction.

Allyson-The ships person at arms who got turned into a clairvoyant puma by a sea witch and now you wander about the ship having visions of the future and caterwauling at the crew in an effort to warn them

Rene-The first mate who can hear the narration but can’t tell anyone or else they will think you crazy

Becky-The Captain, fearless, smart, and constantly trying to turn the whole thing into a musical. Even ship to ship combat.

Suzie- The resident explosives expert….with no formal training and narcolepsy

Adventure Girl 927- The Crow’s Nest attendant who got assigned there first day and decided that you like it so much you’re just going to live up there.

Susan- The mystikal magic casting being on the ship who has really horrendous memory and also suffers from random bouts of partial nudity.

BohoHippie- The Cook who graduated from the finest culinary arts school in all of christendom but serves aboard this ship because you lost a bet with the Pope.

Eva- The map maker who has a crippling coffee habit and insomnia and has turned the lower deck into a giant world map that you can stand in

Monica- The black market connection who “ has a guy” in every port, and can always find the crew work, no matter how ridiculous.

Mary- The wayward trickster god that got in trouble with your pantheon and got cursed to serve aboard this ship until you have proven your sorry.

Darcy- The raven master. You were brought on for communication purposes but decided along the way to train the ravens in your care to attack on command, but also to sing Bohemian Rhapsody

Sheena- The ensorcelled masthead that serves on the ship as a normal part of the crew but has turns back into the masthead when others see the ship

Steph- The French aristocrat who fled in search of adventure, lost all their money to the captain, and now serves as the resident swords person and interior decorator

Janet- The Rowboat technician who has invented a electrostatic propulsion system using coconuts and old porridge but can’t tell anyone lest they think it witchcraft

Kayla- The second mate who maintains the cannons, fashions things to shoot out of the cannons and organizes karaoke night

Jezebel- The Parrot. But not really. Everyone sees you as a parrot but your really a doctor of particle physics who shot himself back in time and reconstituted into the form of a parrot

Susan M-The lowly deckhand who is unaware that you are a master of every combat style ever to be invented. If only you didn’t have a chronic balance disorder. On a ship on the ocean.

Stephanie- The bloodthirsty mercenary who just went through a bad breakup so you doing a lot of emotional exploration even when you should be stabbing and slashing.

Lori Beth- The Ships HR supervisor. Amongst a crew of mystikal beings, blood thirsty killers, and mentally questionable sailors, you are the person everyone fears. But damn if you don’t make the best coffee.

Jennette- The marine biologist who came to prove the existence of the sea chicken, because if there is a sea cow, then there must be a equivalent animal in the ocean for every animal at a farm.

Wendy- The speaker of the seas. You communicate with the animals and supernatural beings of the ocean in order to ensure a safe journey for the ship. Secretly you struggle with the knowledge that everything living in the ocean is really obnoxious and overly sarcastic for now discernible reason

LilMissStubborn- The ship psychologist. The office hours are good, the pay is great, and the food is way better than you expected, but all of those barely make up for the level of crap that you have to put up with given the craziness of this crew

Shelley- The giant sea monster that follows the boat everywhere because you think of it as your pet and really ocean life get boring after a couple of thousand years, so you think of the ship as your own personal reality show, as it were

Lois B- The ships sommelier. You keep the beverage supply in tip top shape, on raids you only pillage the finest of drinks to replenish the ships stock, and when forced to fight, you use the empties as weapons.

And Me -The haggard old one eyed pirate who has all the anecdotes under the sun, and has had more body parts replaced by wooden replicas than should be possible.