HA! (Patreon)

His Majesty is back, and now that he's given me a list of names, heads will finally roll!  He hasn't seen fit to remove my magick antler, probably because I'll need it for a disguise!  Oh, and there is only one name on this list, but this is obviously the ring-leader.  Once I find "Kathy-Slou Drew," everything will fall into place and these ungrateful yew-man traitors will finally feel an elf's justice!

What's that, my liege?  What do you mean by muttering "The horror, the horror" over and over?  No no, your adoring subjects are right here, hanging on your every word.  Tell them some more of your story while I go take care of this unpleasant business.  It will help ease your troubled mind.  And don't worry, Kathy-Slou can't hide from The Sisterhood.  Not for long.

. . .

"By Jove!" the dog lowfolk person exclaimed.  "There he is! He was real all along!"

"REALLY?" the fancy-dressed femme retorted.  "One glimpse!  That's all it took to convince you?"

"Seeing is believing," he affirmed.  "I was somewhat undecided all along, so this was enough to sway my opinion."

"I cannot believe it!" the femme screeched.  "Why then were you scoffing and naysaying the entire time?!  Was that all just an act?!"

"Miss Venatrix," the dog stated solemnly, "SOMEONE needs to keep you grounded and focused.  You do have a habit of getting too excited and running off without a thought or a plan."

"You are not my keeper!  I am an adult, fully capable of taking care of myself!"

I was confused.  Had they come here to find me, or had they merely stumbled upon the stone circle while in the midst of what looked like a lovers' quarrel?

"Indeed," the dog said skeptically.  "The only reason I'm still here is the oath your father made me swear on his deathbed.   I promised to keep you out of trouble!"

"Oh you're always bringing that up!" Miss Venatrix sighed in exasperation.  "Father only trusted you because you were his favorite student!"

"Is that a note of jealousy I detect?" the dog grinned.  "You would have been his favorite student, my dear, had you actually bothered with your studies instead of fantasizing about elves all day.  His own daughter, and such a disappointment."

"Stick in the mud!" Venatrix shot back.

"Flibbertyjibbet!"

"Teacher's Pet!"

"Harpy Queen!"

This looked like it was getting good.  I sat down at the edge of the circle and watched the pair of lowfolk arguing just beyond the wall of underbrush.

"ROGER BARKINGTHWAITE!!" Miss Venatrix yelled.  "You INFURIATING mel!  That is IT!  I cannot put up with this anymore!  I want you gone!  I never want to see you again!"

"Fine!" Barkingthwaite replied hotly.  "Keeping you out of trouble has been a tremendous burden!  I've put my career on hold just to follow you around and keep you from getting yourself killed in reckless adventures!  No more!  You can wander about in circles until you starve for all I care, solemn oath be damned!"

"You seem to forget," Venatrix sneered, "I've saved you more than a few times!  You would have died in that bog if I hadn't thrown you a rope of my own silk to pull you out!"

"And why was I in that bog in the first place?" Barkingthwaite bellowed.  "Following you on another of your mad capers!  You would have been shot by that gang of thugs if I hadn't spent nearly my entire inheritance bribing them off!  I've been well nigh reduced to beggary, and for what?"

"They wouldn't have actually shot me!" Venatrix insisted.  "What kind of mel can't call someone's bluff?  Your current reduced circumstances are entirely your own fault.  At any rate, you should be thanking me for getting you away from your mouldy old ancestral hall and out of that dusty library!  I daresay you've spent every waking moment in there ever since we were both children."

"The library was safe and predictable!" Barkingthwaite asserted.  "That is the proper life of a scholar!  Not running around, engaging in fisticuffs with thugs, like some whip-cracking grave robber!  And you're the one who should be thanking me!  I'm the only friend you've ever had because no one else could put up with your unbearable nonsense!"

"WELL I -" Venatrix blurted, then paused.  "Well...  We two HAVE been stuck together for quite a long time..."

"Indeed," Barkingthwaite nodded.  "We've helped each other out rather a lot over the years."

"And this journey getting here," Venatrix added quietly.  "We've gotten each other out of quite a few scrapes."

"I must admit," Barkingthwaite admitted,  "we do make a jolly good team when the chips are down."

He paused for a moment and puffed on his pipe.

"EGAD!" he barked suddenly.  "The legend!  Of course!  The legend of the White Elf!  It is said that those seeking the White Elf would face trials to test them, and that there would be a boon awaiting them at the end of their journey!"

"What are you getting at?" Venatrix asked suspiciously.  "What is the boon?"

"Why, it's us!" Barkingthwaite exclaimed triumphantly.  "Each other!  How long have we been forced to work together while hating each other the whole time?"

"I begin to understand," Venatrix murmured.  "All those wasted years."

"Our journey here was the trial and this is the boon!  Do you see?  Lord Randal the White Elf, sworn servant of the love goddess Fuma, knew of our plight and set in motion all the troubles we've had on this adventure!"

"Forcing us to work together and realize how much we need each other!" Venatrix added excitedly.

"Oh how blind we've been!" Barkingthwaite lamented.  "We were the perfect team our entire lives and never realized it!  But Lord Randal saw it and made all of this happen to teach us our folly!"

"A perfect team, you say?" Venatrix asked coyly.

"Perhaps not JUST a team," Barkingthwaite mused thoughtfully.  "You know, Pellia, my dear, I've never noticed just how beautiful your eyes are..."

"And I've never noticed how dashing you look..."

"Sweetie!" Barkingthwaite sighed, enraptured.

"Honey!" Venatrix sighed back.

"Darling, let's never fight again!" Barkingthwaite suggested.

"Oh Roger, my love," Venatrix cooed, "Lord Randal in his infinite wisdom has shown us that we were always meant to be soulmates!"

The two of them embraced and kissed passionately.

I began to applaud.  I had no idea what was going on, but it was the most entertaining thing I had seen in decades.

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