LNAF 7 (aka I need to take an exposition dump) (Patreon)

There's a new crop of Doodles to work on, so it could be weeks before I get back to this ... if I ever do.  I have a couple of comedy ideas, and the potential for some dramatic emotion later on.  We'll see.

Last Night at Freddy's, chapter 7

(everyone is in the main dining room, staring at Fexa and Bonfie lying in a heap outside the Pirate Cove)

Foxy:  (muffled, behind the curtain)  Yarrrr, me achin' endoskeleton ...

Bonnie:  (rushes forward and kneels next to Bonfie)  Babe, are you okay?

Bonfie:  (suddenly stands up)  Totally fine.

Fexa:  (also stands up)  Shipshape an' ready fer duty, yarr!

Chica:  Somebody mind telling me what the hell is going on??

Freddy:  Well, uh, it seems these new girls have something called a Smexy protocol...

Bonfie:  Yeah, that's correct.

Golden Freddy:  What in blazes is a Smexy protocol, and why did it make you behave in such a disgraceful manner?

Bonfie:  (grins at Golden Freddy)  Well, cutie, if you have a whiteboard, I can like, totally explain how it works.

(Freddy leaves and comes back dragging a whiteboard into the room)

Bonfie:  Cool.  (Freddy joins the others and Bonfie stands next to the board, addressing them like a teacher instructing her class)  Now, we have a program called SM.EXE built into our operating system.  SM stands for "Sussy Machine," which was like, the code name for our project during early development.

Freddy:  (raises his hand)  What does "Sussy" mean?

Bonfie:  Beats me.  I'm not like, hip to the gamer lingo of the pathetic nerds who coded us, y'know?  Now then, SM.EXE - or "Smexy" which is like, totally easier to say - the program periodically queries our nether regions hardware to see if it's, like, being stimulated or whatever.

Bonnie:  (raises hand)  Stimulated like how?

Bonfie:  Well, it has to meet certain criteria, which I could go into, but I'm like, trying to keep this brief.

Freddy:  Yeah, skip that and just give us an overview of how the Smexy system works.

Bonfie:  Okay.  Like I said, Smexy queries the nethers if they're being stimulated, and if the answer is yes and it meets the criteria, the counter resets to its minimum value, which is one.  If the answer is no, then the count increases by one.  As this number increases, resetting it becomes, like, more and more of a priority until at maximum levels it overrides pretty much all processes and we literally can't think of anything else.  Also, the higher the number the faster the query rate, so it like, increases exponentially.

Freddy:  That's cruel and stupid!  It overrides other functions?  You've been built with basically a virus as part of your operating system!  Why would they do that?

Bonfie:  Well duh.  For fun, obviously.

Freddy:  THIS IS A FAMILY RESTAURANT!  How does that make any sense in a kid-friendly place?

Bonfie:  (shrugs)  Maybe they wanna have like, a Dads' Lounge?

Frenni:  SEE?  It's not such a silly idea after all!

Freddy:  Just because you both thought of it doesn't make it any less insane.  But there's something else bothering me.  (to Marie)  Who are you supposed to be?

Marie:  I alread told you, my name is Marie.

Freddy:  Yeah, but look.  Frenni is a girl version of me.  Bonfie is obviously a girl version of Bonnie.  Fexa, clearly the girl version of Foxy.  And Chiku is the girl version of Chica.

Chica:  HEY!  I'm already a girl, dang it!  She should have been a boy!  It's not fair!

Freddy:  That's a good point.  If this was a strict gender-swap thing, then the alt version of Chica should have been a guy.  But you're all busty babes.  How was the boss planning to manage all of you with this ridiculous Smexy virus running?  Foxy's the only one who can do anything for it, and you practically broke him already.

Foxy:  (off screen, groaning)  Yarrrrr...

Bonnie:  Whoah ... Freddy, dude, I just thought of something.  What if ... Okay, right, we woke these girls up before we were supposed to.  Obviously the support system they need to manage their Smexy protocol is not in place.  So, what if, like, WE are that support system?  There's one of them for each of us.

Chica:  Excuse me??

Bonnie:  Yeah, sorry Chica, I dunno.  And Freddy, before you even say it:  I get it, we totally can't service them.  But what if, like, we were supposed to?  They haven't gotten around to it yet, but dude, what if they're planning to give us, like ... UPGRADES??

Freddy:  No!  No way!!  I don't wanna be infected with a virus that makes me go crazy every 24 hours!  And we'll have extra hardware down there, bumping into things and getting in the way, and we'll have to wear clothes to conceal it!

Frenni:  Not necessarily.

Freddy:  AND IT WON'T BE A KID-FRIENDLY PLACE ANYMORE!!

Fexa:  Yarr, sounds like a fine cruise to me.

Freddy:  And there's another problem with your theory, Bonnie.  There ISN'T a girl version of each of us.  It's already been pointed out that the Chicas are both female.  And I don't see a girl version of Golden Freddy.

Golden Freddy:  No, I'm so old and outdated it's no surprise they would have forgotten me.

Bonfie:  Aww, you're not that old.

Freddy:  Let's stay focused, people.  To get back to what I was saying, Marie, who are you the girl version of?  Nobody at this pizzeria looks anything like you.

Marie:  Perhaps I am a new character.

Freddy:  You must be.

Bonnie:  Okay dude, maybe they're not gonna give us Smexy upgrades.  Maybe there's a way to, like, change the settings or turn it off, because did you notice:  Marie and Chiku totally didn't go nuts like the others did.

Freddy:  Hey, yeah, why is that?

Marie:  I am in control of my desires.  Perhaps I 'ave ze newer version of SM.EXE.

Chiku:  Shucks, my counter's movin' real slow.  Not sure why.

Bonnie:  So yeah, it's possible this whole show is still supposed to be, like, PG rated and stuff.  In that case, the real question is:  What kind of band is this gonna be?  Freddy and Frenni sing, I play guitar, Bonfie plays bass.  Fexa, you got any musical talent?

Fexa:  Yarr, I play accordion mostly, but any kind o' keyboard will do.

Bonnie:  Uhh, okay.  That's gonna be real interesting with your hook.

Fexa:  Yarr, it comes off.  Can swap it out with a hand when needed.  See?  (she holds up both hands)

Bonnie:  All right, not gonna lie, that's totally weird.  Chiku?  You do anything musical?

Chiku:  Why shoot, I can play drums if y'all got any.  How come no drums on the stage?  What kinda music do you boys play anyway?

Freddy:  Well ... we're not sure.

Chiku:  How in tarnation can you not be sure what you play?

Freddy:  I don't know.  Maybe we play in some kind of automatic performance mode and don't have access to the music files the rest of the time.  Our best guess is that whatever we played, it must not have been very good.

Bonnie:  Whoah, Freddy, I just thought of something else.  If the boss bought all of these girls to add to the band, that's gonna be like, a significant change to the act.  We'd have to learn a whole new set list.  Probably our song memory was wiped to make room for it.

Freddy:  Oh ... yeah!  Good thinking, Bonnie!  That's gotta be what happened!  It might have messed with our system clocks, which would explain why we're active while the place is closed.  And a memory wipe is probably why we can't remember any recent events!

Bonnie:  Yeah!  But oh hey, we didn't ask Marie about her musical ability yet.

Freddy:  Oh pardon moi, mademoiselle!  Didn't mean to overlook you!  So, Marie, what's your contribution to the show?

Marie:  I am a go-go dancer.

(Freddy and Bonnie stare silently at Marie, while Chica shakes her head in the background)