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"It used to be a lot worse," (Patreon)

Published:
2023-03-16 02:01:04
Imported:
2023-10

Content

I informed Rebecca.  "At least now they only bet on mission critical things.  Instead of wagering all the time on absolutely everything, they only place bets before their mission starts, and don't collect their winnings until the mission is over and everyone has been debriefed.  Before I put these rules in place, it was pandemonium and nearly impossible to get any work done."

"He remembered!" one of the Ixies yelled.  "That's a lot of aphids I would have won!"

"Not mission critical," Typantronn chuckled.  "Therefore, no bet.  Regulations, thou knowest.  Too bad."

"I'm glad to see you sticking to my rules," I remarked.  "Now I have a new mission for you.  Find Oak Marten and invite her back here for a meeting with me.  Tell her I will cover her travel expenses.  If she agrees to come, escort her.  And also ... come closer ... I have a secret message which you must relay to Oak and to no-one else."

Typantronn stuck her head in between my cupped hands and I whispered, "Tell her not to trust Ash Marten."

"Got it," she replied.

"Take as many agents as you need," I authorized.

"Four should be enough.  We don't want to be too conspicuous."

As Typantronn buzzed away on her new assignment, I turned back to Rebecca.  "I can think of some other tests later if needed, but for now, the easiest would be to see how long you can stay awake."

"Uhhhh, I'll try my best," she replied gamely.

"Excellent," I stated reassuringly.  "You'll probably fall asleep though.  It just occurred to me, Lana shot you with Elfshot, and I'm pretty sure that only affects lowfolk."

"Well that settles it then," Rebecca shrugged.  "Do I still have to do the test?"

"Yes, because I'm not a hundred percent certain that Elfshot doesn't affect elves.  Now I need to go speak with Burnside, so I'll leave you to meditate on, uh, whatever you were meditating on before.  Anyway, it's been a long day so you should get some rest - er, wait, no.  Do the opposite."

"Meditation is relaxing and restful," Rebecca pointed out.  "Should I stop?"

"As long as it's not sleeping, keep doing it."

I strolled the short distance over to the dolmen.  Burnside and Angela were still covering their ears and humming two very different tunes.  I approached Angela first.  It sounded like she was humming the Vulpitanian anthem.  Without the baglutes, it was actually pretty catchy.  I reached up and gently prodded her to get her attention.

She spun around, gave a rather awkward salute, and hovered, awaiting orders.  I was glad to see that my touching her didn't seem to cause another attack of the Vapors.

"You may go and join the rest of the Ixies," I informed her.  "See if Typantronn wants you on the mission to contact Oak."

"Like, lol rofl zomg," she replied with another salute.  "Im totes on it, bussin 4 l33t realz, etc."

As I watched Angela flutter across the clearing, an alarming thought occured to me.  She had a very convincingly thick Vulpitanian accent, and I was sure she had been humming their anthem when I interrupted her a moment ago.  She also had demonstrated an uncanny knowledge of Vulpitanian culture and espionage tactics in the past.  Come to think of it, before I transmogrified her, she DID have vaguely fox-like features... could it be??  There was always a risk of an undercover agent forgetting their true identity and "going native."  Angela must have absorbed a lot of Vulpitanian culture when she was spying on them!  Poor thing!  Some day, when I had the time, I definitely needed to sit down with her and give her a full debriefing - and if necessary, deprogramming.

After making that mental resolution, I turned to Burnside.  I couldn't even begin to guess what tune she was humming, but she seemed to be enjoying it.  She was bobbing her head and putting in occasional "doosh doosh tss-tsssh" drum solos.  For a second, it was almost endearing to behold - but then I remembered how irredeemably contemptible she was.

"Time to help with some experiments," I thought at her with Elfmind.

"GAWP," she replied, evidently startled by my interruption.  "What kind of experiments?  Do I get to use a scalpel?"

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Comments

Anonymous

If Burnside were a musician she would probably devise a song that kills people.

Anonymous

>Adler: You continue using elfmind. No, she won't need a scalpel, she just needs her mind. >Burnside: That's boring. It's just like your old Stabbing Teacher from back in the Antglade used to say, "A sharp wit is no mach for a sharp blade." He said that all the time, right until you stabbed him to death. You made a necklace out of his jawbone. You might still have it, actually. >Adler: "ELFMIND!" You think angrily at her. >Burnside: Using Elfmind. Ugh, fine. What does he want to test out? >Adler: You want to find out if the trees can hear elfmind. >Burnside: Why doesn't he read that forest magic book Ash wrote back in faerie? Adler should still have. >Adler: Oh yeah. That's how you found out what his real name is. Wait. How does she know about that? >Burnside: Ash told you. You did mention that you've met him and have spoken with him while he was working with the Duchess. Did Adler forget he has it? >Adler: Uh, Well... Um. You instruct her to go back to humming. >Burnside: You gladly go back to your private jam session. >Adler: You fish the aforementioned book out of your elfintory. You also find Ash's "How to be Unseelie and Look Good Doing It" book. You refused to look at in on principal before. But it might be worth thumbing through to get a better idea on how your unseelie "allies" will probably betray you. You have no intention of being unseelie and it's not like the book can hypnotize you. What's the harm? You make a mental note to thumb through that one later. You quickly skim through Ash's forest book to see if it mentions if trees can hear elfmind. It doesn't give any conclusive answers on the subject. Figures. Ash mentioned he didn't put all his secrets in there. Rather than waste time arguing with Burnside, you decide to just ask a tree directly. As long as you don't mention your plan with Oak, it should be fine. It should be obvious that elfmind would be your first method of going around him. Ash would probably be pleased that you're trying to be subversive, the weirdo. You walk to the edge of the circle and look at the nearest tree. "Hey, can you hear this?" You think at it with elfmind. >Tree: It's up to the author whether trees can or can't hear elfmind. If so, Adler asks it if trees can hear elfmind conversations between other people. If not, then they obviously can't eavesdrop on mental conversations and there's nothing to worry about. >Adler: With that answer in hand you get an idea for another test. Time to find out if elfshot can affect elves. You call out to Burnside and tell here there's something else she can help you with as you ready your bow. >Burnside: What is i- Woah! Hold on! There's no need to do anything rash! You can change, you swear! >Adler: Twang! Head shot.