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"It's a lot easier'n it sounds," (Patreon)

Published:
2023-01-05 03:05:12
Imported:
2023-10

Content

Burnside continued.  "An' then, once you work yer way up to his brain you can-"

"ALL RIGHT," I interrupted, starting to get queasy myself.  "Thank you, Raccoon Monster, for perfectly illustrating my point.  That's enough now!"

"Hold on," Burnside objected.  "I ain't finished yet.  If you poke the brain in just the right spot, you can make him dance around an- OOOHHHHH!"


I applied a generous amount of Orgasmic Touch, and Burnside crumpled happily to the ground.

"So are you gonna teach us that move?" the mouse (bear?) asked.

"It's pretty advanced," I replied cautiously.  "We'll see what sort of progress you make first."

I took a moment to compose myself and try to clear the gruesome imagery of Burnside's descriptions out of my mind.  After a few deep breaths, I knelt next to Mother Didelphis and applied a few well-chosen Gramaryes to revive her.  I also soothed the duck and offered the vixen a stomach remedy, which she politely refused.

"If you're all feeling better now," I declared after these ministrations were finished, "let's continue the briefing, or orientation, or whatever you want to call it.  You've heard the Raccoon Monster's gruesome testimony, and I presume you know the old adage 'Elves do not lie.'  This means her story is true.  And yes, she is an elf, an Unseelie one," I added as the vixen raised her hand.

The vixen lowered her hand with a nod, and I continued.  "What the Monster told you is an extreme example, yes, but this is ultimately what the Unseelie lifestyle leads to.  It is a path of ever increasing violence and destruction.  It may start small, but it ends with you crawling inside someone's ribcage and poking his brain.  The first few steps you take, you can justify your actions:  This person was mean to you, or he's just bad in general - but eventually the excuses melt away and you start hurting people just for fun.  Where do you think this leads?  Do you suppose the Raccoon Monster has any friends?  Or do you think she sliced them all to ribbons and ate them years ago?  Go Unseelie, and you'll truly learn what isolation is.  You think you're outcasts now?  How will you feel when villagers grab their torches and pitchforks and start hunting you?  Will you be pleased with your choice while you're living in the roots of a dead tree, cold and alone?  Will you be happy when you look at your reflection and only see a monster looking back?"

"He's got a point," the vixen murmured.

"I never thought of it that way," the duck quacked quietly.

"But how do I get even with that SHREW who took away my pie trophy?" Mother Didelphis objected.


"By being better than her!" Rebecca exclaimed.  "Like all of you, I turned to witchcraft out of spite, to get revenge on the world.  But success is the best revenge!  Spite just breeds more spite.  Instead of sabotaging your enemy's recipes, you can use magic to bake a pie so delicious, she will never be able to top it!  That's the Seelie way!  A positive, constructive way!  I implore you to at least give it a try.  Even though I've only just started, this is the happiest I've ever felt!  It could work for you too."

As Rebecca gave her impassioned speech, a cluster of tiny sparkles flew around her head.  When did she learn to do that??

"That makes sense," the bear (mouse?) admitted.  "But a blood ritual still sounds pretty bad-ass.  I didn't sign up to be nice and bake pies and crochet doilies.  I am looking for thrills."

"Don't let yourself be duped into thinking Fuma is all goody-goody," I interjected.  "That is the result of your erroneous lowfolk assumptions, which your cockamamie religion has instilled into you.  Fuma has very different definitions as to what is good and evil.  Fun is encouraged!  A little mischief is expected!  You can be as theatrical and broody as you want.  Wear black!  Be mysterious!  Tie bones in your hair!  Cackle fiendishly at your own private jokes!  A little showmanship and mystique will go a long way."

"Could you wear pink and glitter if you wanted to?" the duck asked.


"I mean, hypothetically," she added sheepishly, as all the other witches stared.  "If somebody wanted to do that, would it be allowed?"

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Comments

Anonymous

Glad to see Burnside once again helping Adler by providing the perfect example of what not to be.

Anonymous

>Adler: Uh. Sure? You didn't plan on having your followers wear a uniform. They can wear pretty much wear whatever they like. >Vixen: She doesn't like wearing black? >Duck: You like black just fine, it's just sometimes you want to wear other colors, like pink with glitter. And maybe sequins if it doesn't look too tacky. You mean, is there a rule that states witches have to wear all black all the time? >Mouse/Bear: Dude, you feel like you don't even know her anymore. >Adler: Okay, okay. Let's get back on track here. You have no intention of enforcing a dress code, as far as you're concerned, they can dress however they like. Though you would suggest to the duck to break up the pink with an outline of another color. All pink on pink wouldn't look as good on its own. Anyway. To finish addressing the mouse's, uh, the young lady's concern. There will indeed be thrills involved. As one of your acolytes, she will be able to travel extensively. And as you said earlier, there will be mischief involved. Rebecca is learning the ways of pranks and japes, a number of which are magical in nature, and so can they. Villagers are less likely to chase them out of town when they're laughing too. This is what you can offer them, and in return they need only go out and spread tales of your deeds, set an example of what you expect of your followers as well as what prizes they might expect in your service, and keep the mischief at "lovable rogue" levels. "What say you?" >Witches: Well... >Rebecca: Pleeeaaase. Just try it out. You guarantee they'll like it. Plus they've been trying to summon a demon for months with no results, so this is probably the best offer they're going to get. >Witches: Alright. You'll give it a try. >Mother Didelphis: Well, all that may be fine and dandy for the youngsters, but what about you? Traveling, telling stories, and setting an example? You're bones are half dust already, how exactly do you benefit from something this long term? >Adler: It is within your power to restore her youth is she impresses you. >Mother Didelphis: . . . Alright, you're sold! Where do you sign? Is there a ritual?