"Vulpitania?" (Patreon)

I exclaimed in astonishment.  "You started to say Vulpitania just now!  I should have KNOWN they'd be involved with the Duchess!"

"What the heck is Vulpitania?" Lysander asked.

If I had paused for a moment to reflect, I would have realized that because Vulpitania is a realm of Faerie, there's no way this lowfolk could know anything about it - but at the moment I was convinced he was lying, so I focused my Elfmind on him.

"Is it possible this fool has never even heard of Vulpsylvania?" Lysander thought.  "I can make a fortune selling  him basic information out of the Monkeypedia!"

"Don't assume I am a complete ignoramus who's never heard of Vulpsylvania," I told him.  "I just naturally thought of the Elvish equivalent first.  And don't think you can foist off basic information from the Monkeypedia and expect to get paid for it.  I want the good stuff."

"WHAAAT?" Lysander exclaimed.  I continued eavesdropping on his thoughts.  "How is it possible he knows about the Monkeypedia?  Does he also know I'm charging him more than double for the Blunderettes?"

"I also know you're overcharging me for the Blunderettes," I exclaimed.

"You can't expect to pay wholesale," Lysander protested.  "I have to have them shipped over special for you, and that bumps up the cost!"

"Nonsense," I scoffed.  "You seem to think I am infinitely gullible as well as infinitely wealthy, when in fact I am neither!  You can procure five Blunderettes for FIVE gold, and you can get some quality information for that same price, therefore I'm giving you TEN gold for this entire order."

"Gevalt!" Lysander yelped.  "You're stealing bread out of my children's mouths with those prices!"

"He is a confirmed bachelor," Vernier interjected.

"That doesn't necessarily mean I don't have children somewhere," Lysander pointed out.

"Sir, I suggest you sign Lysander on as a retainer," Vernier suggested.  "Having a contract guaranteeing continued employment will allay some of his reluctance to work at a smaller profit margin than he is accustomed to with his usual fly-by-night business.  Just think, Lysander, a steady paycheck and no angry mobs chasing you.  Plus, a formal contract with penalty clauses will help ensure you keep up your end of the bargain."

"Madam, you wound me unjustly," Lysander protested.

"I'm not sure she does," I muttered.  "I heard about how you betrayed the Duchess of Daisies, your best and most dangerous customer."

"Well excuse me, but the army of walking trees seemed to have a better argument at the time," Lysander scoffed.  "Anyway, Catherine - bless her soul - has put all that behind us and we're on the best of terms now."

I was suspicious of this story, but I decided not to intrude further into Lysander's thoughts at that time.  I scrounged a piece of parchment from the end of one of the Scrying Tower scrolls, and Vernier drew up a contract which Lysander and I signed.

"All right then, off you go," I said, handing him his ten gold pieces.

"What, by myself?" he asked, looking around nervously.  "I was dragged here unconscious, and I don't know my way back.  What if I'm waylaid by those awful rabbits?  They don't like to see people coming and going from these woods."

"The forest serves me, and will guarantee you safe passage," I reassured him.

"And besides," Vernier added, "if you're in trouble, you can always just swing into the trees where the rabbits will never reach you."

"That is a hurtful stereotype," Lysander stated icily.  "Fine, I'm going.  Maybe the rabbits catch me, but at this point I'm starting to think they're less antipathy-filled than you."

"You and I need to talk," Vernier whispered to me as Lysander stalked off into the bushes.

"Yes, I need to know how the propaganda campaign is going," I replied.  "Are my followers spreading the Good Word about me?  What is the current state of that rival shoe cult?"

"We can discuss all of that too, but the first order of business must be your personal issues with lowfolk femmes and venery."

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