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"How do I wake this guy up?" (Patreon)
Content
I asked, prodding the unconscious monkey with my foot.
"You should be careful about doing that," Vernier warned. "Monkeys are larcenous and crafty. He will surely try to swindle you."
"Trust me," I remarked. "I've dealt with sneaky & sly schemers before."
Poking Lysander in the ribs wasn't having any noticeable effect, so I got a glass of water from the basin and threw it in his face.
"WAKE UP, LYSANDER!" I yelled, shaking him.
He did not respond.
"That didn't work," Typantronn observed. "That's an aphid each from Aspidastra, Calliope, Peregrinetta, and Margaret."
"Double or nothing on the next one!" the other Ixies insisted.
"Stop your incessant gambling and help me!" I snapped. "Can't you awaken him with another magickal zap?"
"Why would he be wakened by the selfsame force that knocked him out?" Typantronn replied saucily. "Carry on, Sire. Thou'rt doing great."
I slapped Lysander vigorously across the face, but he still did not respond.
"Two aphids!" Typantronn cackled.
"Let it ride!" the other Ixies wailed. "Double or nothing!"
"Well," I declared loudly. "I guess there's nothing left but to administer the Crotch Punch of Life."
Suddenly the monkey leaped to his feet.
"Four aphids!" Typantronn crowed. "Pay up, sisters!"
"PAY UP, MISTER!" Lysander exclaimed. "I demand full financial restitution for the loss of potential earnings after being involuntarily spirited away from my place of business -"
"The tavern," Vernier interjected.
"I also require compensation for the cleaning bill on my shirt and trousers after being dragged through the woods," Lysander continued without missing a beat. "As well as full replacement of a suede vest, damaged by sloshing water on it, and one premium butterfly net destroyed by dangerous and untamed insectoid creatures. I'll be sending you an itemized invoice for all items, plus pain and suffering and emotional trauma from being repeatedly abused and threatened with the Crotch Punch of Life."