"Not to be useless in a fight I have taught him," (Patreon)

Sam explained.  "Why before now this was done not, I seriously wonder."

"Sure an' it moight be because scions o' Irenaeus are dangerous enough already!"

"Your ass handed to you, you got," Sam observed with a chuckle.  "See the day I thought I would never."

"We'll just add that to the list o' his croimes," Estvan sulked.

"You attacked me, old man," I snapped.  "Without warning and for no reason!  You jolly well earned your trouncing and I'll gladly give you another if you want it."

"Gentlemen, please," Sam sighed, holding up his hand.  "Sure I am that just a big misunderstanding this all is.  Adler, on the details that during his magickal imprisonment Estvan missed, fill him in."

"Sure an' how d'ye know about moy imprisonment?" Estvan asked suspiciously.

"Many things I know," Sam replied mysteriously.  "Ham, all is.  Plus, mentioned it a few minutes ago you did."

"I'm not divulging anything until Estvan tells me where he's been all this time," I insisted.

"Foine," Estvan sighed.  "As oi recall, twas roight afther that naked buck showed up an' ye all got twitterpated on the funny poipeweed he was smokin.  Me lovely daughter Sofie appeared an' lured me away with the call o' daughterly bondin.  Sure an' no father's heart can resist that call, bedad!  Oi dandled the lass on me knee an' proceeded to tell her stories.  O, but she was good!  She listened with such rapt attention oi was completely bewitched, an' scarcely noticed the trap closin' about me.  WHAM!  We were in a stasis spell insoide a tree trunk.  One o' the classics from the Long Ago!  Sure an' it brings a tear o' proide to me oye to think me wee Sofie could pull off such a magick as that.  Oi wonder if she had help.."

"You're rambling," I interrupted, tapping the shillelagh meaningfully against the palm of my hand.

"If oi'm to be afther tellin' o' this story, then begorrah, oi'll tell it in me own way.  But ach, oi see yer impatient, so let me see .. oi think oi already told ye how oi cunningly bored the lass beyond her ability to tolerate."

"Are you sure that was deliberate?" I quipped.

"Sure an' if ye want the story told quick, ye'll not be breakin' in with the impertinent interruptions, at all at all.  Where was oi?  Ah yes.  Afther oi escaped from the spell, oi had trouble foindin' me bearings on account o' Faerie itself bein .. BROKEN, afther a manner o' speakin.  Oi was in a patch o' woods all hemmed about boy Gaps.  Foinally oi came across a few miserable elves huddled in a toiny shack, an' the tale they told me .. well, if they hadn't been elves oi wouldn't have believed it.  They said you'd unleashed a Plague o' Battles an' murthered everyone in Albric Tor, an' would've killed every elf livin' if the Queen hadn't used her last scrap o' power to trap ye there. Well, oi did some quick calculations and risked a pook to the top o' the city wall, for oi had to see with me own oyes.  Oi figured if the story were false, if oi missed the wall an' fell in the field, twould do me no harm .. but if the tale were true oi'd not want to live anyhow.  So oi pooked, an' oi saw, lad.  OI SAW."

"I was tricked," I insisted.  "I never meant to use the Plague of Battles, but in Ixie showed up right as I went into a battle trance.."

"Trance or no, ye still did it," Estvan glowered.  "Sure an yer not Seelie, lad, at all at all.  Oi don't know where Yolanda an' Boris are, but if it's killed them ye have, then oi shall never ever forgive ye."

"That they are alive, a feeling I have," Sam remarked.  "Ham, all is."

"At that point oi think oi went a wee bit daft," Estvan continued, with a suspicious glare at Sam.  "Oi pooked roight into the Gap an' fell through to the lowfolk realm, where oi wandered for who knows how long, til oi almost ran into the blasted Duchess o' Daisies an' her entourage!  Begorrah but oi'd have been in for it if they'd caught me!  Fortunately they seemed distracted, clearly on the retreat from somethin, so oi was able to hoide til they passed.  'Well Estvan,' oi said to meself, 'the Duchess is loose, an' that's bad.  But she's runnin' from somethin' an' that's worse.'  Oi recalled that the back door to one o' the Albric Tor scroyin' towers was off this way, so oi figured to sneak up behoind ye an' make ye pay fer yer sins in the Long Ago tradition.  But oi found it hard goin' since the forest has been set to guard ye most strictly.  Anyway, oi got through, an' here we are."

"Your story now relate," Sam urged me.

"Okay .. well .. after you left, I decided to try to sneak into Albric Tor and parley with Estmere.  The Vulpitanians, you see, had dome some sort of history-altering spell that completely deprived Estmere of his elfliness, so he could no longer be king.  I thought maybe if I could explain the situation, he could abdicate peacefully and live out a normal lowfolk life span in ease and comfort.  Nobody would have to get hurt!  So I disguised myself as SALV Fauxfox and infiltrated the city .. but there was a Pie Fight Valkyrie convention going on, and I got distracted."

"Sure an' some of those lasses to great justice to the Valkyrie uniform," Estvan chuckled.  "Was Valerie there her own self?"

"I don't know.  There was going to be a winner's banquet which I think she was supposed to attend, but I don't remember seeing her at the competition stage."

"More's the pity.  Sure an' she was .. or is .. a memorable femme."

"She is," Sam piped up.  "Ham, all is.  Your story, continue."

"I finally got away from the convention and made my way to the Hall of Ancestors after an Ixie told me Estmere was there.  More Ixies met me there and tried to prevent me from entering the Coronation Chamber, but I went in anyway and saw Estmere's corpse sitting in the throne .. gruesomely proving the legend that it will blast any unworthy person who dares to sit in it!"

"Sure an' oi could have told ye that was true," Estvan remarked wryly.

"It was an Ixie who told me where Estmere was .." I mused, as something slowly began to dawn on me.  "Ixies were there at the throne .. they told me Queen Edessa had just been there .. an Ixie showed up during the battle and urged me to use the weapon the Duchess had given me .. Ixies prevented me from leaping to my death when I saw what I had done .. at every turn, there have been Ixies!  TELL ME WHAT YOU'VE BEEN UP TO!!" I yelled at the Ixies on top of the dolmen.

"Weeellll, Sire, tis hard to say exactly who was where and did what when," Typantronn explained with an embarrassed shrug.  "We all look so much alike, tis nigh impossible to tell us apart.  It seemeth that we were accepting work from all parties.  Some of us were spying on thee for the Queen, others spying on thee for the Vulpitanians.  All of us were guarding as well as guiding thee in accordance with the aims of The Sisterhood, except where such aims jeopardized thy safety or virility ..."

"HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?" I screeched in exasperation.

"Sugar is one netherhells of a drug, sire," Typantronn admitted.  "But we've mended our ways and shall henceforth serve only thee."

"Glazed ham, all is," Sam intoned mystically.

"Well, lad, oi'm willin' to admit that maybe ye've been a bit of a victim o' circumstance," Estvan sighed from where he sat on the grass, rubbing his knee.  "Now if you'll just be givin' me back me shillelagh, we'll let boygones be boygones."

"I'm not giving this back just for you to hit me again with it," I scowled, clutching the stick tighter.

"Come on, boyo, sure an' ye've grievously injured me!  Begorrah, oi may be crippled fer loife, an' oi need me shillelagh to stand up!"

"You haven't said you won't hit me," I noted, turning to hold the shillelagh farther away from him.

"DAMN IT LAD, OI NEED ME STICK," Estvan gekkered angrily.

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