Cautiously, reverently, I tried on the mustache. (Patreon)

EALA!  I instantly felt more powerful, more confident, more ELFLY!

"YES!" I exclaimed.  "It's brilliant!  Gather up all the twigs and splinters you can find, so I may arm all of my Ixies with tiny hatchets!  Percysthorpe will have firewood enough to last for years!  Bards will sing songs of this victory for generations to come!"

"I was thinking more along the lines of pests that devour trees," Ethel remarked.  "Like wood-boring beetles or -"

"Termites, of course!" I exclaimed.  "I just need a bunch of termites and I'll Gramarye them up to the size of dray ants!"

"I'm pretty sure termites only eat wood that's already dead and rotting," P.J. theorized.

"I have plans for you too, bird," I chuckled.  "How would you like an exclusive interview with one of the few elves to survive the Battle of Albric Tor?  Oh, the startling stories I could tell you!  The lore!  Yes, you shall be my unwitting propaganda officer, and after your book is published, volunteers will flock to join my army - OW!"

The mustache fell off as Ethel smacked the back of my head.

"Yes, very interesting," P.J. murmured as he scribbled in his notebook.  "I'd be glad to take you up on that, Your Lordship."

"Later," Ethel scolded him.  "Right now we need to find out exactly what these insects can do.  Lord Randall, if you would summon them?"

"Ixies!" I yelled.  "Report!"

"Yes, Sire," an Ixie buzzed before me.

"I need you and your sisters to go devour the Shrub Army," I commanded.

"Sorry, Sire," the Ixie replied.  "We do not nibble trees.  Tis beneath us.  However, we dine on numerous pests that do, many more than just aphids.  I believe Typantronn hath a sizeable stash of destructive leaf-cutters, stem-nibblers, and pith-borers .."

"Well, have her bring them immediately," I ordered.

"She is presently away with the party carrying out thy previous order, Sire."

"We're back!" Typantronn called out at precisely that same moment, as her squadron appeared - lugging several bags of explosive powder through the air.

"That was fast," I observed.

"We knew where to look," Typantronn replied.  "Which I think qualifieth me for promotion to at least Spymaster, if not Generalissimo and Undersecretary of Espionage."

"Excellent work," I replied, rubbing my hands together.  "Set the bags aside for now, until I have a chance to properly steam them."

"Randall, you can't steam black powder!" Ethel reminded me, with an exasperated sigh.

"Maybe not with water," I chuckled.  "But what about with aqua vitae?  Specifically, grain spirits, which I know are flammable."

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