Pie Dodging Contest (TBOAY) (Patreon)

As we approached the front of the line, I observed that each contestant had to step up onto a platform and dodge a barrage of pies thrown at them from all directions for approximately three minutes.

The portly vixen in front of Izzy took the stage.  The bell rang and the pies started flying.

She did surprisingly well, considering her mass.  Great-Uncle Roland would never have been able to move like that!  But, unfortunately she provided too large a target to defend from every attack, and she lost several points when a couple of well-aimed custard pies managed to land on her fur.

......

Meanwhile, in GHQ:

"Very well, Sergeant, you are dismissed," Theronmyathus croaked.

Before the words had ceased reverberating, the mole was gone.

"Dude," Earl remarked.  "That guy is like, way tense."

......

"I'm next," Izzy exclaimed as the con staff swept pie debris off the stage.  "Wish me luck!"

The bell rang and a hush fell over the crowd as Izzy spun and twisted, effortlessly dodging the onslaught of pies with the consummate ease and grace of a longtime Frolic Club member.  When it was over, he stood unblemished and not even breathing hard.  The crowd went wild.

"Best performance we've seen yet," one of the judges called out after the applause died down.  "But I'm afraid we must deduct points on account of you not being a femme."

"That's discrimination!" Izzy protested.

"The rules state that contestants must make a serious attempt at disguising themselves to look like SALV Kraekenhoepfer," the judge retorted.  "At least put on a wig or something."

Izzy stomped off the stage, muttering something about unfairness and what did you expect from Unseelie judges.

"Let me go next," Fifi blurted as she cut in front of me and ran up to the stage.

......

Meanwhile, in the woods nearby:

"All right!" Jimmy the Bard exclaimed as he pulled Scuti Preston out of its jar.  "Today must be my lucky day!  Good thing all the porta-garderobes were occupied.  If I hadn't stumbled out here to take a leak, I never would have found this sweet fake Irenaeus tail!  I wonder why it was left out here in this hollow tree?  Oh well, finders keepers!  This will go great with my act!"

......

"Time to see a real vixen do this!" Fifi declared loudly.  She put her hands on her hips and began to sing, "I wanna be pied by you, and only you .. boop boop-a-splat."

"DISQUALIFIED," the judges barked.  "Using Wiles is against the rules."

"WHAAAAT?" Fifi gekkered incredulously.  "Since when?"

"Since this year.  Didn't you read the convention bylaws?"

"No way, that's totally bogus," Fifi protested.

"Yes way.  Now clear the stage and bring on the next contestant."

......

Around the corner:

......

Fifi stomped off, snarling under her breath, and I nervously mounted the contest stage.

I had dodged pies before, at the Embassy on Saint Reynard's Day.  That time, I had worn a tight-fitting uniform and a tall silly hat which encumbered me.  Now I was dressed in a manner allowing full freedom of movement.  This should be a breeze.  I rolled my shoulders and cracked my neck, then took a deep breath.  The bell rang.

The world seemed to go silent as the pies floated toward me in slow motion.  I imagined a light minuet played on lute & shawm, as Dame Chitterleigh's dance instructions drifted through my mind.  I easily sidestepped one pie, pirouetted away from another, and leaped ever so gently over a third.  Despite the absurdity of the situation, I began to feel a rush of euphoria.

"More pies!" I laughed as I ducked and spun.  "This is way too easy!"

......

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