Murder in the House of Mystery - Episode 07 (Patreon)

EPISODE SEVEN: SEVENTH CIRCLE (VIOLENCE)

INT. INTERVIEW PARLOUR

HARLEY: If there was something positive I could take away from all this? Uhmmm... the fish was really good. Eddie made a really good Singapore Sling, but I had to stop drinking it when it got brains in it.

INT. HOUSE OF MYSTERY - NIGHT

EDWARD: Oswald, we can talk about this!

OSWALD: The time to talk is over! You didn’t want to talk when you had the gun!

EDWARD: Of course not! It’s called leverage, you pompous maniac!

JON: You’re not helping, Ed!

OSWALD: Your conspiracies will be your demise!

EDWARD: A little help, Harley!

HARLEY: You’re doing great, Eddie!

EDWARD: Not moral support! Go find something to hit him with!

HARLEY: On it!

OSWALD: You could both make this easier on yourselves if you just died!

JON: Oh right! How selfish of me!

EDWARD: Jon! Fireplace!

JON: Pokers! Here!

EDWARD: Thank you!

OSWALD: Gah! A fair fight. Detestable!

Clangs and clatters; sword fighting.

EDWARD: Oh Oswald, you’re getting slow, old man. You call that a riposte?

OSWALD slashes. Catches Edward.

EDWARD: Shit!

JON: Ed!

OSWALD: A prime parry when you should have used a quinte? Pathetic!

Clings and Clangs.

OSWALD: You think you can best me, Doctor Crane? I used to fence for Oxford!

JON: Oh yeah? Well I used to… ah, fuck it.

JON kicks OSWALD in the groin.

OSWALD: Oooh, right in the lads!

OSWALD rages out and knocks the poker out of JON’S hand, knocking him over; he curses.

OSWALD: Any clever last words from the former Master of Fear?

JON:  Heh, yeah. Rock beats scissors.

OSWALD: Eh?

HARLEY smashes her hammer across OSWALD’S head. He falls over, unconscious.

JON: Good timing, Harley.

HARLEY: Thanks, Jonny.

JON: You bring that thing with you everywhere?

HARLEY: Ya never know when you’re gonna pass a state fair, or someone who needs their eggs scrambled.

EDWARD murmurs.

HARLEY: Oh, Eddie! Are you dead?

EDWARD: I may as well be, for the damage he’s done. My face. My... beautiful face. I mean - punch me all you like, but a knife? And an umbrella knife at that? It’s over.

JON: It probably feels worse than it actually is. Let’s see.

EDWARD sits up. HARLEY winces. EDWARD has a scar IDENTICAL to JON’S.

EDWARD: It’s horrible. It’s awful.

HARLEY: It... could have been worse, Eddie.

EDWARD: I feel like my face is holding on by a thread. A string of viscera.

JON: Oh, it looks just like mine.

EDWARD: OH GODS... WHY WOULD YOU CURSE ME SO? I’m made a freak, a wretch before your divine eyes. LAUGH, LAUGH UPON OLYMPUS YOU FIENDS.

JON: Well, if I had any feelings, that hurt just about all of them.

EDWARD: I couldn’t give a tinker’s fig about your FEELINGS. This is terrible. Tragic! What else could happen now?!

OSWALD: (roars) I’ll kill the bally lot of you! Starting with YOU!

OSWALD lunges at HARLEY.

JON: Harley! Look out!

HARLEY dodges. OSWALD lunges right into the wall, striking the electrical wiring; he falls.

EDWARD: Wow. The wiring in this house SUCKS. Breathe easy, my friends, we may yet live to see the dawn. I can’t believe he thought there was a conspiracy.

JON: It is a bit far fetched.

EDWARD: I mean, obviously I could’ve planned something. Hell, so could’ve Harley. But you? A plan? Haha, that’d be the day.

JON: Well, I’ve planned things before, Ed.

EDWARD: Well yeah, birthdays, haha - maybe a little surprise shindig for Ikky, but we’re talking big brain here.

HARLEY: I’m sure he doesn’t mean anything by it, do ya Ed?

EDWARD: What, that Jon can just about manage to tie his shoes without drooling?

HARLEY: Oh boy.

JON: Hey - I can plan, dickhead. I could bring Gotham City to its knees, and I could definitely conspire to kill someone.

EDWARD: Okay, genius - show me. How would you kill... Harley?

HARLEY: Could we not?

JON: Harley? Easy. You wind up some chattering teeth and let ‘em out in the hallway. She thinks to herself, maybe my puddin’s still alive. Rushes out to see, and [neck cut noise].

EDWARD: Oh please, she’d see through that in a second.

JON: Alright, smartass - YOU kill Harley!

HARLEY: How about nobody kills Harley.

EDWARD: Easy! Sneak in while she’s asleep. Single bullet to the head. It doesn’t have to be Shakespeare, Jon.

JON: ‘Course it’d work better if we teamed up. Make it sound like one of us was on her side. The whole point is illusion, Ed. It doesn’t have to be Shakespeare, but it does have to have subtlety. I mean, Harley ain’t an idiot, but she does have to die.

HARLEY: I can’t believe it. Oswald was right about you two, wasn’t he? This is all some sort of sick joke you two brewed up! Well I’m not gonna fall for it! You’re not takin’ me down!

JON: Oh come on, Harley! It was just thinkin’ too far!

EDWARD: We would never ACTUALLY kill you!

HARLEY: Yer not gonna get the chance! You... maniacs!

JON: Harley. I know you’re mad - you have every right to be, but we’re all on the same side here. I know you might not believe us. At worst, we were sadistic, at best? Rude, but we didn’t mean what we said, and if you can’t find it in your heart to forgive, then at the very least... kill Ed.

EDWARD: What?!

JON: He’s had it in for you since day one, girl.

EDWARD: You ASSHOLE!

JON: Day one.

INT. INTERVIEW PARLOUR

JON: If it’s comin’ down to Ed or me... [scoffs] it ain’t gonna be me.