Murder in the House of Mystery - Episode 06 (Patreon)

EPISODE SIX: SIXTH CIRCLE (HERESY)

INT. INTERVIEW PARLOUR - NIGHT

JON: Apparently we were too loud.

HARLEY: Oopsie.

INT. HOUSE OF MYSTERY - NIGHT

EDWARD is awoken by arguing.

EDWARD: Oh god, what now?

EDWARD steps out in the hallway.

OSWALD: What did I say would happen if you didn’t keep quiet?

JON: Oh, so you don’t hear Jervis gettin’ popped down the hall, but THIS wakes you up?

HARVEY: Someone shot Jervis?

OSWALD: Call it selective hearing - but a warning is a warning.

EDWARD: Jon and Harley left alone in a room doing something loud enough to wake up Oswald. A part of me would be curious were I not filled with both exhaustion and apathy.

INT. INTERVIEW PARLOUR

HARLEY: We played Twister.

JON: Yes we did.

HARLEY: Then we fucked.

JON: Yes we did.

INT. HOUSE OF MYSTERY

HARVEY: Can we back up? Who shot Jervis?

HARLEY: Eddie - help us sort this out so we can get some sleep.

OSWALD: That’s all I’ve wanted all bloody night, you trollop!

HARLEY gasps and slaps OSWALD.

EDWARD: Ohhhkay! Everyone to their corners.

OSWALD: Nope! They’ve done it now! Someone’s going to fucking die!

EDWARD laughs.

OSWALD: This amuses you?

EDWARD: Of course it does! I’m just waiting for you to say, “Harvey go kill someone for me”! Because God knows you’re not going to do it yourself.

OSWALD: Are you insinuating that I can’t handle my own affairs?

EDWARD: No, no, no. I’m flat out TELLING you, Oswald. I wonder if you’d know how to wipe your own ass without Harvey giving you directions.

OSWALD: I... how... DARE... you! You think I can’t fight my own battles? Hmmm? You want me to handle business myself? Harvey! Your gun.

HARVEY hands OSWALD one of his guns. OSWALD shoots HARVEY; general surprise.

OSWALD: Anything to say now, Edward? Can I sufficiently handle my own business now?

EDWARD: Are you COMPLETELY deranged?

OSWALD: I’m starting to think I’m the only one who’s seeing the world for what it is. Seeing who’s plotting against who.

JON: Nobody’s plottin’ against you. Can’t you see this house is turning against us?

HARLEY: Jonny’s right!

EDWARD: And also, it’s “whom”.

OSWALD lashes out.

JON: Whoa now!

OSWALD: It was all a plan to get me alone, get me vulnerable! Removing pieces from the chessboard!

EDWARD: YOU’RE the one who shot Harvey!

OSWALD: You goaded me into it!

EDWARD: Oh! So if I told you to jump off a bridge, you would?

OSWALD: Aha! You heard it! He’s trying to push me into suicide!

EDWARD: Oh yes, because CLEARLY the REAL rogue here was PEER PRESSURE!

JON: Enough! What is goin’ on here? You two never fight like this. For Christ’s sake, if any two people should be bat shit crazy here, it’s Harley and me.

HARLEY: Yeah! Hey.

JON: Nobody’s gonna be killin’ anybody else tonight!

EDWARD: Especially since I have Harvey’s gun now.

OSWALD: How did you...? Edward - my most trusted friend and confidante.

EDWARD: Here it is...

OSWALD: Th-think of our... history! Our friendship! The exorbitant raise you’ll be getting!

EDWARD: Oh, Oswald...

OSWALD: What are you going to do, Edward?

EDWARD: I’m going to do what you should have done, old friend.

OSWALD: No, Edward!

EDWARD fires the gun. It hits HARVEY again.

OSWALD: I... I’m alive.

EDWARD: Of course you are.

JON: Well then who did you shoot?

EDWARD: Harvey again. Oh come on, it was driving us all crazy that Oswald only shot him once. It’s the LEAST we could do, to put his spirit at rest.

HARLEY: You’re an absolute mensch, Eddie.

EDWARD: Thank you, Harley. Now can we all PLEASE go back to bed?

OSWALD: Capital idea, Edward. And perhaps for safety's sake, Mr. Dent’s pistol should be relieved of its cargo.

EDWARD: Good idea.

EDWARD empties the bullets.

OSWALD: Most excellent. After all, I’d be a fool to bring a knife to a gunfight!

OSWALD arms his umbrella.

JON: Oh for fuck’s sake!

HARLEY screams.

EDWARD: Everyone run! He’s got an umbrella!

INT. INTERVIEW PARLOUR

EDWARD: Just between you and me, I’m starting to get the feeling that, maybe... just maybe, John Constantine was on to something about this place.