Murder in the House of Mystery - Episode 03 (Patreon)

Guest Starring Lucia Lobosvilla as Selena Kyle

EPISODE THREE: THIRD CIRCLE (GLUTTONY)

INT. INTERVIEW PARLOUR - NIGHT

HARVEY: Apparently we’re all going to be dead by morning. We’re okay with it. The only thing left on our bucket list was to guest star on Law & Order, but if Jerry Orbach’s dead, who really cares anymore, right? (sighs) He was so good in Chicago.

INT. HOUSE OF MYSTERY - NIGHT

CAIN and ABEL are bringing the guests in.

CAIN: Everything you could possibly want, in a variety of courses. Although - and we do apologise - there is only one steak. There was a mix up in rituals, and the steaks were sacrificed instead of the lamb I had specifically summoned for that exact purpose.

ABEL: I have already apologised.

CAIN: But as you mortals say, when life gives you lemons, you serve it with a braised rack of lamb and some chops.

JON: Yeah, that’s how that goes.

SELENA: Dibs.

OSWALD: Ha, hardly.

EDWARD: So, quick question. When you say we’re all going to be dead by morning... ummm... really?

CAIN: Oh that? Hahahhahahaha!

EDWARD laughs along with CAIN.

CAIN: Absolutely.

EDWARD: Ah.

SELENA: What about the camera crew?

ABEL: The who now?

HARVEY: Them.

CAIN: They’re filming this?

WAYLON: Yeah, it’s like a documentary thing. They said to just pretend they ain’t there.

ABEL: Hello.

CAIN: Shush, Abby. Well, we’ll think of them as your plus ones... which I guess... they, what... let them live?

ABEL: For the best.

CAIN: They can live.

EDWARD: Oh good. That was, really, my concern. Though one is left to wonder, what if we were to, say, flip you off and walk out the front door?

CAIN: Oh goodness, thank you for reminding me.

CAIN snaps his fingers and the doors lock, windows bar shut.

CAIN: I’d almost forgotten to seal you all in for the night. How kind of you to remind me.

JON: Oh, BRAVO.

HARLEY: Way to go, Eddie.

EDWARD: Well done Edward. High fives all around.

CAIN: Now, if there’s nothing else - take a seat! Dinner is... served.

OSWALD: I’ll take that steak now.

SELENA: It’s closer to me, it’s mine.

OSWALD: The hell it is.

OSWALD pulls his umbrella, the switch blade tip shoots out; OSWALD stabs the steak and brings it to himself.

SELENA: (curses in Spanish)

EDWARD: And here I was thinking you brought that umbrella for self defence, and not as a utensil.

OSWALD: It’s as efficient at procuring meat as it is removing it, Edward. Would you like a demonstration?

EDWARD: I’ll keep my brilliant observations and various appendages to myself.

OSWALD: Smart man. Though red wine can’t be thoroughly enjoyed without a decent red, so I propose a toast. The setting is strange, the company bizarre, and two people have already died, but I think we can all agree... we didn’t really have any other plans tonight, or else we would all be doing that instead.

HARLEY: Hear hear.

HARVEY: Absolutely.

JON: I wouldn’t drink that.

OSWALD: Oh no? Is the illustrious master of fear a sommelier in his spare time?

JON: Alright, first off - fear doesn’t take a day off so neither do I, and no - but I do know the smell of BTX.

OSWALD: Eh?

EDWARD AND HARVEY: Batrachotoxin.

JON: Comes from dart frogs. Doesn’t take much to kill ya, and if I can smell it from my glass, then there’s more than enough to do the trick.

OSWALD: Is there indeed. Well, as the Cobblepots used to say many... many years ago, (toasts in German)

OSWALD drinks and the crowd protests.

OSWALD: I can’t help but feel there’s the chance we’re being tested tonight. So perhaps our strengths may lead into our weaknesses. Poisons are not in my wheelhouse, so I will not fall victim to them. We should remember that our hosts are as cunning as they are bizarre.

OSWALD reels from the wine; crowd reacts.

HARLEY: Whoop! There goes another one!

OSWALD steadies himself.

OSWALD: No, no... the wine’s not poisoned. It’s just Australian. And now, my... where’s my steak gone?

SELENA laughs.

SELENA: Too slow, gordo. Hahaha.

SELENA takes a bite on the end of her laugh, and almost immediately begins to choke.

JON: Oh shit. We got a choker.

HARLEY: Does anybody know the Heimlich Manoeuvre?

JERVIS: Aren’t you a doctor?

HARLEY: Yeah, but I’m eatin’ here.

EDWARD: It’s not called that anymore.

JERVIS: What? Since when?

EDWARD: I’d say about... 2006? There was an article about it in the Gazette. Apparently, Heimlich said that back blows were harmful to saving a life, which was actually misleading.

JON: I read that one. That’s why it’s called the... five and five?

SELENA falls to the ground.

EDWARD: Yeah! Or just Abdominal Thrusts, but yes - five abdominal thrusts, and five back blows. Rinse, repeat, and there you go.

HARLEY: Well do the thrusts and the... blows!

EDWARD: Well, I would have, but she’s passed out now, so now she’d need chest compressions and rescue breaths, after checking if the airway is clear, which... haha, well, if it were, we wouldn’t be talking about it, right?

WAYLON: I heard they changed the beats to that. Didn’t it used to be slower?

EDWARD: That’s right too - It used to be 100 beats per minute. Roughly the beat of Stayin’ Alive, but now it can be from 100 to 120 - ironically, one of the best songs for keeping track is Another One Bites the Dust.

OSWALD: How delightfully macabre.

HARLEY: Can you do any of that right now?

EDWARD: Oh! Right. Haha, I got all carried away. Let’s see... oh dammit.

JERVIS: What’s wrong?

EDWARD: There’s red wine on the floor. Got it all over my knee. It must’ve been knocked over in the fuss. Oh, and Selena’s dead.

JON: What, dead dead?

EDWARD: Not mostly dead, Jon. This isn’t The Princess Bride.

EDWARD stands.

INT. INTERVIEW PARLOUR - NIGHT

OSWALD: I would never wish ill on another human being. What happened was both tragic and regrettable, and if I had known those children were playing in the street, I certainly would have told my driver to slow down. But I... hmm? Oh, this is about the steak incident? Oh... well Ms. Kyle simply got what she deserved.

INT. HOUSE OF MYSTERY - NIGHT

JON: Hey Oswald - d’you still want what’s left of the steak?

OSWALD: Eating a dead woman’s meal as if it’s some sort of culinary bequeathment? No thank you.

WAYLON: Hey, I’ll take it.

JON: Oop!

JON throws the steak to WAYLON eats it.

WAYLON: [begins to choke]

EDWARD: Oh, Christ.

WAYLON: Ha! I’m just kidding.

EDWARD: Waylon… goddammit.

HARVEY: Pass the fish. Harley, you want some?

HARLEY: Two pieces please.

HARVEY: A woman after our own heart.

General table chatter.

INT. INTERVIEW PARLOUR - NIGHT

JERVIS: We’ve been at the House of Mystery for roughly half an hour, and three of us are already dead. As far as nights out go, we’re doing better than I had expected.