Murder in the House of Mystery - Episode 02 (Patreon)

Guest Starring Lucia Lobosvilla as Selena Kyle

EPISODE TWO: SECOND CIRCLE (LUST)

INT. INTERVIEW PARLOUR - NIGHT

Edward and Jonathan are being interviewed.

EDWARD: Was it a bad idea to put this many rogues in one place? I don’t know, I’m not a doctor. But if one of us manages to die before the night’s over? I’m going to laugh my fucking ass off.

JON: Can we say fuck? We can? Fuck.

EDWARD: Fuck.

EXT. HOUSE OF MYSTERY - NIGHT

JOKER is standing triumphantly on the roof.

JOKER: I got it! I got it! Yes! This time, JOKER will save the day!

WAYLON: Ahh yeh got lucky. Now fix the damn bell so we can eat.

JON: Amen.

HARLEY: Speech! Speech!

SELENA: Are you kidding me with this?

JOKER: (clears throat) Four half-minutes and seven seconds ago, I scaled a wall and arrived at the severed cord that is preventing this party from starting!

DIGGER and JON talk while JOKER is pontificating.

DIGGER: Smuggled a few tinnies in. Figured why wait for someone else to start the party, eh?

JON: It ain’t Fosters, is it?

DIGGER: Foster’s piss, mate. VB.

JON: Oh damn, aight.

They open their beers.

JOKER: And like a feral raccoon saving its babies from the impending shark attack, I too will save you from your dreary, miserable lives by single-handedly fix--

EDWARD: Fix the fucking cord!

HARVEY: Fix the fucking cord!

JOKER: Okay! Geez!

HARLEY: I liked your speech, Mister J! Second best thing you did with your tongue today!

JERVIS: God I hope he licked a lollipop.

SELENA: I hope he ate pussy.

JERVIS makes a small noise of virginal despair.  JOKER attaches the wire, but a large spark sends him off the roof and onto the lawn.

JOKER: I’m alright! Everything is going to be A-OKAY!

The Gigglebombs from inside JOKER’S jacket tumble out and activate.

JOKER: Oop. Scratch that.

The Gigglebombs detonate, sending pieces of JOKER across the lawn in many new and exciting directions.

HARLEY: PUDDIN’!

JON: At this point...

JON AND EDWARD: He probably is!

EDWARD: Ahhh, classic. Right - who’s hungry?

HARLEY is now sobbing as she collects as much of the JOKER as she can. Her performance seems... too upset. Like she’s putting it on.

OSWALD: Famished.

EDWARD: Excellent! Harvey, ring the bell. Waylon, you have a little Joker on you, and Harley - for god’s sake dial it back.

HARLEY: Too much?

EDWARD: We’re looking for Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, and you’re giving us Cats.

HARLEY: [sniffle] Elaine Page?

EDWARD: Rebel Wilson.

HARLEY cries in disappointment.

HARVEY: Stop shitting on Cats!

HARVEY rings the doorbell. The door slowly opens, as if by a mystical force.

OSWALD: Did you open that?

HARVEY: No.

OSWALD: I’m sure it’s fine. Get in. Get in.

INT. INTERVIEW PARLOUR - NIGHT

DIGGER: Was it a bit jarrin’ seein’ Joker explode on the front lawn? Absolutely. Did I enjoy the fact the front door opened on its own? No, but I’m about ten tinnies in on a baker’s dozen, so Mother Theresa could come back to life and flash me her map of Tasmania and I wouldn’t think twice about it.

JERVIS: I’d be amazed if you could think once.

EDWARD: Oh, good one! Up high!

JERVIS: Down low?

EDWARD: That was down low, short ass.

A pause.

EDWARD: And one for Ed! Up high!

EDWARD high-fives himself.

INT. HOUSE OF MYSTERY - NIGHT

The rogues are making their way inside.

EDWARD: What an interesting style choice. American Gothic meets Satanic B&B. It’s like walking into my worst nightmare... or Jon’s wettest dream.

JON: Your worst nightmare is my wettest dream.

EDWARD: [scoff] Nice comeback, comeback.

OSWALD: I don’t smell any food.

SELENA: Uh oh. It’s been thirty minutes and Oswald hasn’t eaten.

JON: Next stop: cannibalism.

SELENA: Donner, party of 10.

SELENA and JON laugh.

SELENA: Wait, nine. Sorry Harley.

HARLEY: Eh, I’m over it.

JON: Oh yeah?

EDWARD: Put it away.

HARVEY: You could always grab a piece of Joker like Waylon did.

EDWARD: You did not.

SELENA: Ew.

WAYLON: I did not! I was gonna, but then I figured he’d probably taste funny.

JERVIS, JON, EDWARD, and OSWALD laugh.

JON: Where in the hell are the damn hosts?

UNKNOWN ONE: Damned, more like.

UNKNOWN TWO: And for those curious, it was the second circle. Wehhhh...

CAIN: Welcome, to the House of Mystery. I am Cain, and this is my brother, Abel. And let me just say, it is so wonderful that you could all put aside your petty grievances for a night, and come together in the bonds of friendship.

ABEL: Yes... for some reason… (chuckles)

CAIN: Quiet, Abby.

EDWARD: Wait a minute, what did the little one say?

JERVIS: I didn’t say anything!

EDWARD: I wasn’t TALKING about you, Jervis!

CAIN: Now, if you’ll be so kind as to follow me, it is time for dinner and a show.

HARLEY: Oooh! A show? Who’s in it?

CAIN: Why, my darling Dr. Quinzel, you are. All of you. For you see... by the light of tomorrow’s morn, one of you... will die.

Silence.

EDWARD: Are you kidding?

SELENA: One of us already died, tontón.

CAIN: Abby, is that true?

ABEL: I believe it might be, brother.

CAIN: How many people did you invite?

ABEL: Ten.

CAIN: How many are there here?

ABEL: ...I count nine.

CAIN: Then allow me to... rephrase. [clears throat] By the light of tomorrow’s morn... ALL of you... will die.

Everyone laughs.

CAIN: Why are they laughing, Abby?

ABEL: I don’t think they believe you, brother.

CAIN: Ahh.

CAIN snaps his finger and DIGGER explodes.

EDWARD: Jesus Christ! George!

HARLEY: Oh God, it’s everywhere.

CAIN: Do you think they believe me now?

ABEL: I... believe they do.

CAIN and ABEL laugh.

CAIN: Now! We shall take care of your bags, and dinner is just through the door ahead. We hope you brought your appetites!

INT. INTERVIEW PARLOUR - NIGHT

EDWARD: What the fuck?